The Legend Killer Randy Orton is interviewed backstage by Jerry “The King” Lawler. He hypes himself up to the moon, saying that he may have been the Legend Killer a long time, but his greatest glory is just on the horizon. (B)
Traditional Survivor Series Tag Team Elimination Match
American Alpha defeated Enzo Amore and Big Cass, reDRagon and Peligro Abejas in 11:58; Bobby Fish was eliminated first by Big Cass with a Big Boot. Cass put out Paul London with help from Enzo. Cass was then eliminated by a fired up Sami Zayn. Kyle O’Reilly tagged himself in but ran into American Alpha and ate the pin.
Alpha squared up to Sami Zayn, the last Raw man standing, and suddenly a wrestling match was happening. Gable and Jordan made frequent tags and went to work picking apart the Underdog from the Underground.
Sami came back with a Helluva kick to pin Chad Gable, then we got some dope ass chain wrestling between Zayn and Jordan before a lucky shot to the face gave Sami the chance to hit the Blue Thunder Bomb and pin Jordan for the win! (B)
Triple H storms to the ring, already talking. He has finally had enough of Paul Heyman and his bullshit on Raw. He’s not going to take it anymore. Triple H goes on a verbal tirade, running Paul Heyman into the ground for the entire WWE Universe to hear. ( B+)
Official Theme Music provided by some fucking garage band cunts who sound like Korn a bit. They’re called “Calves of Destiny” or some such shit. The song is alright.
“BOOM! BOOM! BOOM-BA-BOOM! BOOM!” The show starts with an impressive opening of pyro, before the lights are raised and several sections of the excited crowd are shown waving various signs. The focus then switches to the announce table where JR and Booker T introduce and hype tonight’s show. (C+)
A video plays hyping Tyson Kidd vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Johnny Gargano. (B-)
CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Dolph Ziggler defeated Tyson Kidd, Brian Kendrick and Johnny Gargano in 12:43 when Dolph Ziggler defeated Tyson Kidd by submission with a Sleeper.
Dolph Ziggler wins the WWE Cruiserweight title. (B)
Backstage at Fenway Park, Extreme Rules Champion and ECW Original Raven is trying to make his way into the ring without being spotted by anyone from RAW. He’s shit out though, because Mark Henry steps out of catering holding a big plate of pork ribs. They lock eyes, then Mizark smashes the plate of Ravens head and pins him, but there’s no ref around.
Henry looks for Jimmy Korderas or whatever, and he spots a stripey shirt and grabs the guy. He gets on top of Raven and demands the ref count, but it’s not a ref, it’s just some lad who works at Footlocker. Jay Lethal walks up to sign for his new kicks, sees what’s going on and hits Henry in the face with the box. He pins Raven, but again… no ref. He stands there arguing with Mark Henry and Raven tries to escape. He runs around the corner, chased by Henry and Lethal and the guy from Footlocker whose name is Kayden, and runs right into the pre-show briefing of the Referee’s Union.
15 of the cunts, stood around like fragile zebras.
Raven doesn’t get chance to think before he’s thrown through a plate glass window by Damien Sandow. Mark Henry throws Sandow 10 feet, then covers Raven for the title! Lethal has the shoes on his hands like boxing gloves, and it turns out they’re astroturf boots! He punches Mark in the fucking face with his AstroGloves and the big lad goes down like a lead church.
He’s gonna pin him, but who’s that jumping out the sky? R-E-Y. Mysteri-O. Here we… go! Rey Rey hurricanrana’s Lethal into Kayden, who buckles like a belt. Sandow comes back and he and Mysterio then argue over who gets the pin. Raven throws a chair between them and knocks their heads together, quickly pins Mark Henry and runs off with the title. (B)
Kofi Kingston and The Big Show, collectively known as Big Day, had an interview hyping themselves as the current big thing in tag team wrestling. They’re gonna show The Gilded that you can’t conquer what you can’t catch, and you can’t push around what you can’t move. (B)
WWE Universal Tag Team Title Match
The Gilded defeated Big Day in 13:16 when Uso pinned The Big Show following interference from Bad News Barrett. The Gilded make defence number 1 of their WWE Universal Tag Team Championship titles. (B+)
WWE Champion and leader of The Gilded Christian had an interview hyping his upcoming singles match with Rob Van Dam.
He said RVD was just another guy from the past trying to shine up his own legacy on Christian’s glory. Tonight he’s going to embarrass Rob and make him realise that no one messes with The Gilded. (A)
Backstage, Mr Kennedy is chasing Raven. He runs into Enzo and Cass and offers them a considerable sum of money to aid him in pinning Raven for the Extreme Rules Title. Enzo and Colin Cassady agree to the terms. (C+)
Kevin Owens has a microphone, and tears into Shelton Benjamin, telling him that he is going to get easily beaten in their upcoming match. Smackdown Live is The Kevin Owens Show, and Survivor Series is The Kevin Owens Show; The Movie! (A)
US TITLE MATCH
Kevin Owens defeated Shelton Benjamin in 13:06 by pinfall while using the ropes for leverage after a pop-up Powerbomb. Kevin Owens makes defence number 5 of his WWE United States title. (A)
The cameras remain focused on the ring, where John Morrison and Kevin Owens engage in a tension-filled staredown. Neither give ground. (A)
With the help of Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady. Mr Kennedy finds Raven and beats him down. He uses Enzo’s hand to call out MISTAAAAAAAH KENNEDY! But he never gets to the second Kennedy because Enzo punches him in his fool mouth. Cass clatters Kennedy with a bin lid and the three start to brawl. Raven somehow manages to get away (C+)
A video plays hyping the goings on in the Kane vs. Goldust storyline.
They have feuded each other into the dirt. This is the final match of a brutal rivalry which began back in the summer and has seen the two Attitude Era legends knock the piss out of each other in every dangerous match the WWE has to offer. Tonight it ends, one way or the other, with Hell in a Cell! (B-)
Hell in a Cell Match
Kane and Goldust massacred each other inside the Cell. Goldust shooting Kane in the face with a glitter gun and Kane setting Goldust on fucking fire. Kane grates Goldust’s face on the chain link until there’s no gold left on it. Goldust rips off Kane’s mask, sending the monster fleeing. The Bizarre One scales the cell, clutching Kane’s mask.
To hide his face, The Big Red Machine smashes it over and over into the steel steps until it’s just a filthy mask of gore. He climbs the cage, Goldust dumbstruck and with nowhere to run. They go at each other hammer and nails before Kane kicks Goldust in the guts, flips him around and hits a devastating Tombstone!
OH BAH GAWD! THE CAGE BROKE! KANE JUST TOMBSTONED GOLDUST RIGHT THROUGH THE CELL AND TOOK HIMSELF ALONG FOR THAT HELLISH RIDE!
The two men are lying in the middle of the ring like a murderer’s recycling bags, and Kane just manages to put a hand over Goldust’s chest for the pin. (A)
After the match EMT’s come running to the ring as the Cell is winched back up, but the ring posts explode in a blinding flash of fire and when our eyes adjust we can see that Kane is gone.
We find Raven is downed backstage, but kicks out of an attempted pin by Kota Ibushi. Before Kota Ibushi can take further advantage, Raven throws his aggressor into a nearby set of lockers and leaves the scene. (C+)
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH
Bad News Barrett defeated Cody Rhodes, CLEAN, in 12:21 by pinfall with The Bullhammer. Bad News Barrett makes defence number 1 of his WWE Intercontinental title. (A)
Cody Rhodes is being attacked by Bad News Barrett in the ring. Seeing the assault, Sami Zayn comes running in and chases Bad News Barrett off, saving Cody Rhodes from a serious beating. (B+)
Booker T and Mick Foley Hype Team Raw right into space. (B+)
EXTREME RULES TITLE MATCH.
THE BRAWL THAT STARTED IT ALL.
Raven defeated Damien Sandow in 13:32 by pinfall with a Raven Effect. During the match we also saw Enzo Amore run in and attack Damien Sandow, and Mark Henry do the same to Raven. Raven makes defence number 1 of his WWE Extreme Rules title. (B)
A video plays hyping Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns. (B+)
Roman Reigns defeated Dean Ambrose in 13:41 by pinfall after a blatant low blow followed up by a Superman Punch. (B+)
WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH
Rob Van Dam defeated Christian in 16:58 by count out when he hit the Five Star, went for the pin and Edge appeared to pull Christian out of the ring. The Rated R tag team champ lead Christian to the back and as a result the WWE World Heavyweight Champion was counted out. (A*)
WWE TITLE MATCH
Bray Wyatt had an interview hyping his upcoming singles match with Seth Rollins. (B+) RUN.
Seth Rollins defeated Bray Wyatt in 16:35 by pinfall with a…………….. MOTHER FUCKING Curb Stomp. Out of nowhere. Seth Rollins makes defence number 3 of his WWE title. (B+)
JR talks about Team Smackdown Live and also BBQ sauce. (B)
Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match
RAW vs SMACKDOWN LIVE
As soon as the teams were assembled in the ring, things broke right down.
We started with the Team Captains Daniel Bryan and Brock Lesnar, but The Undertaker immediately tagged himself in to take on Lesnar.
The two big men pummelled each other hardcore until The Bullet Club got involved, prompting Cena and Rusev to enter the ring. Daniel Bryan took out Cesaro with a high knee, but turned into a Big Boot from Doc Gallows, who was kicked out of the ring by The Brute Rusev, who got tossed out by Karl Anderson, who was clotheslines to the mat by John Cena who himself was suplexed out the ring by The Beast Brock Lesnar, leaving only Brock and Taker alive in the ring and still the legal men.
They went back and forth until The Undertaker hit Old School, followed by a chokeslam into the turnbuckle and a Tombstone in the middle of the ring.
1… 2… 3!
Lesnar is out!
But the battle has taken its toll on The Deadman, who woozily turns into The Bullet Club and a Magic Killer! Gallows covers Taker and it’s 1… 2… 3!
With the two big guns taken out, the match gets back under some sort of control. Cena faces off with Gallows, but the seasoned tag team competitor utilises his partner Anderson to great effect. The Bullet Club dominate Cena until he can get the hot tag to Daniel Bryan. The American Dragon runs rings around the big men, but he’s clocked in the corner by Cesaro and falls victim to the Magic Killer himself. Anderson pins him and Daniel Bryan is out!
Cena and Rusev struggle to get on the same page, and things are looking dire for Team Raw. Miscommunication between Big Match John and the Bulgarian Brute costs Cena a chance to eliminate Anderson, but he mounts a comeback and hits Karl with the Attitude Adjustment! A stupid name for a stupid move. But it gets the job done and Karl Anderson is out.
Things don’t stay equalised for the long as Doc Gallows gets revenge for his tag team partner and kicks Cena’s square head into a sort of comma shape. He gets the pin the Team Raw are down to one man!
The Bulgarian Brute Rusev faces off against The Swiss Superman Cesaro! Things couldn’t get any more European if the German Announce Team were drinking espresso and eating lasagne in at the WWE Bistro, which doesn’t exist but was probably seriously discussed at some point.
Rusev is a proper animal though, and he hoofs Cesaro out of the ring and locks Gallows in the Accolade! He taps! Gallows is Eliminated and now we’re down to Cesaro and Rusev once more.
The waiters at the WWE Bistro are incredibly rude, but they’re all got Playboy Buddy Rogers style sideburns.
Cesaro hits the uppercut train.
Rusev some devastating chops.
The final soldiers in the inter-brand battle smack each other around the ring good and proper until Rusev hits Cesaro with thumb to the throat, like Umaga used to do, then locks him in the Accolade.
He tries all he can, but that surgically repaired shoulder is wrenched back hard and Cesaro is forced to quit!
TEAM RAW WINS!
TEAM RAW WINS!
Paul Heyman and Stephanie McMahon appear on the ramp an give Rusev a round of the applause.
Triple H storms out and Heyman and Steph give him a wide birth, but he stomps by them and down the ramp. Rusev gets ready to fight The Game, but Smackdown’s GM rolls into the ring, scoops up his remaining player and Pedigrees him like a dropped sofa.
Stephanie is shocked, Heyman smirks and Rusev glares as Triple H gets out of the ring and stalks off into the crowd.
Overall Grade…. A