WWE New Year’s Revolution 2016

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to WWE RAW’s final pay per view event of the 2016; New Year’s Revolution!
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Tonight every championship on Raw will be on the line as the members of The Gilded have put their respective challengers through the ringer to deserve their shots. We’re also going to see the final match in Shelton Benjamin and Alberto Del Rio’s Best of Five Series, with the scores standing at 2 wins a piece, tonight will be the decider.
ECW Champion Raven takes on three challengers in the hellish Barbed Wire Death Match, sanctioned by General Manager Paul Heyman, who has been showing signs of stress lately and this booking is just one of them.
We’re coming to you live from the seat of evil, Trump Plaza on the historic Atlantic City Boardwalk!
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Your announce team tonight is the Voice of Extreme Joey Styles, WWE Hall of Famer Booker T and the Hardcore Legend himself Mick Foley.
We go backstage to find Kofi Kingston in a Boom T-shirt, available now from WWE.com, standing in front of some mad backdrop.
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He cuts a promo on Christian and The Gilded, stating that Paul Heyman made their match a Lumberjack match to even the score and stop Christian was weaselling another victory with the numbers game. The Gilded can bring it on, because with John Cena and Daniel Bryan on his side, as well as a few other specially chosen Lumberjacks, the game tonight could go either way. Because unlike the Trump Plaza casino, in the WWE the house doesn’t always win. BOOP BOOP! ( B+ )
In the past few weeks we’ve seen increasing tension between the newly “awakened” Goldust and WWE newcomer Samoa Joe. Their backstage altercations have gone from cross words in promos to outright violence, and tonight they will meet in the ring for the first time.
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AWAKENED GOLDUST vs SAMOA JOE
In a physically brutal match, Samoa Joe defeated Goldust in 8:40 by pinfall with a Muscle Buster off the middle turnbuckle ( B )
(Joe and Goldust have pretty good chemistry)
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After the match, a bruised Joe is about to leave, but Goldust screams for him to come back. On his knees, the battered Goldust yells that he hasn’t had enough! Joe gladly obliges, getting back in the ring and kicking Goldust square in the fucking mouth.
The bizarre one goes down, but before Joe can step back out he grabs his boot. Goldust tells him he’s not finished! He’s not down yet! Joe looks furious and scoops Goldust up and hits him with another Muscle Buster!
The ref gets between Joe and Goldust, but the awakened one gets back up! He’s on his hands and knees, his paint smeared horribly across his face. He screams at Joe to hit him again! It seems like he’s enjoying the pain! Mick Foley comments that even he knew when to call it quits, but Goldust is taking this too far. Samoa Joe looks disgusted and turns his back on Goldust, but he just keeps bellowing for more! HIT ME! HIT ME HIT ME HIT ME HIT ME!
Finally Joe grabs a chair from ring side, battles his way through the refs and EMTs blocking his way and gets back in the ring.
Goldust gets up ready, and yells ” Wake me up!” Joe mouths “you’re fucking nuts” before laying Goldust out flat with the chair. He’s dragged away by officials as EMT’s attend to Goldust.  ( C+ )
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And here comes Sami Zayn!
The challenger for the Intercontinental Title is wasting no time here tonight!
Barrett put him through the IC Gauntlet in the past few weeks, forcing to take on and beat The Miz, followed by a handicap match with Mark Henry and the marauding Kane which ended when Kane went berserk on Mark Henry allowing Sami to get the pin, and then this past week Sami took on the so-called Final Boss, 11 time WWE Champion and current Universal Tag Team Champion Edge!
If Sami didn’t win each of those matches he’d never get another shot at the IC Title as long as Barrett holds it, and the same rule goes for tonight. If Sami Zayn doesn’t walk out of here with the belt, he won’t ever get another chance. ( B )
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INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH
In a hard fought back and forth match, Bad News Barrett defeated Sami Zayn in 15:09 by pinfall with The Bullhammer.
Bad News Barrett makes defence number 2 of his WWE Intercontinental title. ( B )
Following his match, Barrett starts to berate Sami about how he had his chance and now he’s NEVER getting another title shot! He turns to leave, but Sami grabs the IC belt and pancakes Barrett’s face with it, sparking him out. Zayn takes a good look at the belt, tapping it a few times. One day. He lays the belt on top of the prone Barrett and leaves the ring. ( B+ )
The announcers put over the fact that we’ll be seeing Stixx get his mandatory rematch for the European Championship. ( C )
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Jay Lethal defeated Stixx in 8:03 by pinfall with a handful of tights. Jay Lethal makes defence number 1 of his WWE European title.  ( C+ )
In the ring, Jay Lethal gets on mic and tells Stixx that’s it. Just like Sami Zayn, he has failed to capture the title and so just like Sami Zayn he won’t be getting another chance. Tell Europe they can come see the title whenever they like, around his African American waist. ( C+ )
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Having won the tournament in the Raw Women’s Division, Bayley earned the right to take on Amazing Kong for the Universal Women’s Title. Kong has been taunting Bayley as of late, holding up the match until tonight’s PPV.
WWE UNIVERSAL WOMEN’S TITLE
Amazing Kong defeated Bayley in 7:44 by submission. Amazing Kong makes defence number 1 of her WWE Universal Women’s title.  ( C )
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Christian is interviewed backstage by Renee Young. He hypes himself and his Championship reign, claiming to be the most dominating champion in the WWE today. He’s held the WWE Title for five months, ever since he took it from Daniel Bryan. From that day to this he has been champion and from that day to this he has worked every day towards REMAINING champion.
He assembled a group of the best talent on Raw, he aligned his group with the persuasive manager in WWE Hall of Famer Jake “The Snake” Roberts and his two monster clients in Big E and Rusev, and he stands here at the end of the best year of his career as the still reigning WWE Champion, and he intends to walk into 2017 still the reigning WWE Champion and it doesn’t matter if The GIlded are there or if The Snake Agency are there or if John Cena is there or if Daniel Bryan is there or if Hulk Hogan is there or if Shawn Michaels is there or if Wayne Gretsky is there or if the entire living cast of Monty Python is there because Lumberjacks are ok… but Christian works all night and he wins, all day! ( B- )
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Statistics for both Shelton Benjamin and Alberto Del Rio are shown on the screen in true big-match fashion. Booker T and Mick Foley then compare both sets of attributes in order to further hype the imminent match between the pair, which will be Best 2 out of 3 falls.( B+ )
SHELTON BENJAMIN v ALBERTO DEL RIO
The match gets underway with a series of quick counters and some fluid chain wrestling. Neither man able to get the upper hand over the other. They circle one another, trying for quick pins attempts, until Del Rio hits Benjamin with the rolling armbreaker to pick up the first fall. Shelton quickly fought back and dropped Del Rio with Paydirt for the pin to even the score to a fall a piece. The two men took each other on a technical mat wrestling tour de force, reversing holds and pin attempts left and right.
Ultimately, Del Rio hung Shelton up in the tree of woe and went for the diving double foot stomp, but Shelton crunched up to free himself at the last second, jumped from the turnbuckle and hit a second Paydirt to pick up the final pinfall and win the series. ( A )
The match is over. Shelton Benjamin walks over and offers his hand as a sign of respect to Alberto Del Rio for putting up a great fight, and the two competitors shake hands. ( B+ )
Backstage reDRagon are walking to the gorilla position ready for their tag title match with The GIlded, when Edge and Uso appear out of nowhere and attack. They seem overwhelmed, but O’Reilly and Fish are able to battle back and wind up standing tall as The Gilded retreat. ( C+ )
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WWE UNIVERSAL TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
After their attempted beat down was thwarted, you can tell The Gilded are fucking furious. They charge to the ring after reDRagon have made their entrance and immediately get into it with the challengers.
The ref forces the two teams apart and we begin the match properly with Uso facing off first against Bobby Fish.
Uso takes the action to the air, hitting Fish with a flying drop kick followed quickly by a rolling senton. The two men go back and forth before Uso isolates Fish in the heel corner. He tags in Edge and the Tag Champs make quick tags to keep Fish in the wrong side of town without getting disqualified. They make liberal use of the five count, beating Fish down.
Edge hoists Fish up in to the electric chair and Uso climbs to the top turnbuckle to hit The GIlded Edge, but Fish rolls into a Hurricanrana, leaps for his corner makes the hot tag to Kyle O’Reilly!
O’Reilly takes on Edge in the middle of the ring, brawling quickly with swift kicks and jabs. Edge whips Kyle into the corner and Fish tags him, but Edge doesn’t see it. He hits O’Reilly with the SPEAR and covers him, but the Ref doesn’t count. With Edge arguing, Uso realises whats up. He tags himself in too, but Fish is on it. He hits Uso with a spin kick, knocking him off balance.
Uso gets hit with a Vertical suplex lift by O’Reilly followed by a roundhouse kick to the back by Fish followed by a brainbuster by O’Reilly! CHASING THE DRAGON!
Edge is ejected from the ring by the referee and Fish covers Uso…
ONE
TWO
THREE!!
reDRagon win the WWE Universal Tag Team Championship titles! ( B )
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Bobby Fish grabs both of the tag team title belts and dives back in the ring to celebrate with his partner, Kyle O’Reilly. Ascending up opposing turnbuckles, the pair hold their newly won title belts aloft. Edge and Uso are clearly beside themselves. They cannot believe what just happened and neither can this capacity crowd! Edge and Uso just LOST the Tag Team Titles! ( B )
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KANE v ROB VAN DAM
No Disqualification
Former partners RVD and Kane go head to head in the ring, and right away it’s clear this is not a wrestling match. They knock the piss out of each other from the bell and the violence spills out into the crowd.
This is not the WWE Rob Van Dam we’re seeing here tonight. This is the ECW Rob Van Dam. The Whole Effing Show. Mr Monday Night! He’s matching Kane blow for blow in this hardcore fight!
The ref starts to count as the two battle in the audience. Neither pay him any attention. This has gone beyond a match. These two men are tearing strips off one another. Kane hurls RVD down the stairs, and Rob narrowly rolls out of the way as Kane attempts to stomp on his ribs.
The ref gets to ten and the match is over, but neither man gives two shits. Kane dumps RVD over the barricade and onto the announce table. Kane climbs up to the adjacent table, but Rob is up and the two trade punches each from their respective tables. Rob snatches up a chair and levels Kane in the face, sending him back but not breaking the table.
Rob throws the chair down onto Kane, then climbs the top turn buckle. The announcers are pleading with him to let it go. The match is over damnit! Mick Foley begs him to stop, but Rob leaps from the turnbuckle and drives Kane through the announce desk with the Van Terminator! ( B+ )
As Kane and RVD lie prone in the wreckage of the announce desk, the lights suddenly go out in the arena.
GONG
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The lights stay out, and RVD and Kane stir slightly. On the screen The Undertaker’s symbol is engulfed in fire and he appears. He doesn’t look happy.
“Rob Van Dam… it was my wish and my hope that you would help drag my brother back from the edge of his madness.
Instead you have joined him in the abyss.
And now… I must intervene. You will be brought back to reality Rob Van Dam, and then you will REST IN PEACE!” ( A )
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ECW TITLE BARBED WIRE DEATH MATCH!
This is the most brutal match the original ECW had to offer. So horrifying was it that they only ever held one Barbed Wire match in the history of ECW, between Sabu and Terry Funk, and they were both very badly injured.
Paul Heyman has sanctioned this match at Raven’s request, and now we’re in for some horror.
Raven was in his element in this match, using the barbed wire ropes to his advantage several times. Mr Kennedy received a huge gash in his back when Sandow whipped him into the corner, and Matt Hardy’s shirt was torn to shreds on his body from a drop kick into the ropes.
Mr Kennedy rolled out of the ring and was stretchered away by the ringside doctor. That lad with the ponytail.
Sandow is knocked unconscious by a Twist of Fate onto the ECW title, leaving Raven and Matt Hardy. Raven goes for a DDT, but Matt spins out of it and goes for a Twist of Fate. Raven back body drops Matt, who narrowly misses getting tangled in the now loose barbed wire.
Raven attempts a pin, but Matt catches him in a small package. Raven kicked out, but in doing so gets his legs caught up in the wire. Hardy grabs a fistful of barbed wire and starts to quickly wrap Raven up in it. The ECW Champion tries to fight free, but the barbs cut into his skin and tear flesh whenever he moves.
Eventually completely caught in a horrific web, Raven is a bloody mess powerless to stop Matt Hardy from stepping on is his chest for the pin.
One, Two, Three and Matt Hardy is the new ECW Champion!  ( A )
Following a particularly brutal hardcore match, a bloodstained Raven is shown grimacing as he’s cut free from a section of barbed wire by officials. ( A* )
Backstage, Edge and Uso are in the locker room with Christian, who is not happy.
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Edge is distraught at losing the Universal Tag Titles earlier tonight, but Christian is having none of it. He tells his former partner that The GIlded is an elite club and there’s only way to gain entrance. Hold the Gold.
Without the titles they’re not Gilded, they’re just guys. Christian says he doesn’t even have time for this. He’s got his own match tonight and he needs to be on his game. In fact… he doesn’t want any distractions. Christian tells Edge and Uso that he wants to be surrounded by winners, and tonight they’re not that. He tells them he doesn’t want them as Lumberjacks in his match, and if they don’t get those tag titles back… he doesn’t want them anywhere near him again.  ( A )
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WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE LUMBERJACK MATCH
Christian enters the arena, looking pumped up and cocky. He swaggers down to the ring, WWE Title slung over his shoulder. He stands in the centre of the ring and holds up the belt, at which point out come The Gilded. Defending Champions Wade Barrett, Jay Lethal and Amazing Kong, all wearing their belts. The sea of Gold, minus Edge and Uso obviously, is joined by Jake The Snake Roberts and his clients in The Snake Agency; Big E and Rusev.
Christian’s Lumberjacks surround the ring as Kofi Kingston’s music hits. The challenger steps out flanked on each side by John Cena and Daniel Bryan. A handful of marks boo because it’s John Cena, but the rest of the WWE Universe are going nut. The Face Team pause at the top of the ramp and Kofi signals for the rest of his Lumberjacks.
Stixx, Bayley and Sami Zayn walk out and join the group. All of tonight’s title contenders look across the arena and stare holes into their respective champions, but the odds still aren’t even. Christian has six people, Kofi only five. Kofi makes a point of counting off, Stixx v Lethal, Barrett v Sami, Kong v Bayley, Cena v Rusev, Bryan v Big E, himself v Christian… Jake The Snake v… ?
Jake shrugs his shoulders.
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It’s Paul Heyman! It’s the RAW General Manager Paul Heyman!
he has been marginalised, side-stepped and ignored by The GIlded for weeks now and obviously he’s decided he’s had enough! Heyman walks up and stands shoulder to shoulder with Kofi, then the face team advances!
The Heels get ready for a brawl, but Kofi slides into the ring and the face lumberjacks surround his corer. They’re not here for a fight, they’re here to act as a barricade for interference.
Heyman warns all of them to back off and stay backed off, then he orders the ref to start the match.
The bell rings and Kofi steps to the centre of the ring to tie up, but Christian doesn’t come out of his corner. He complains to the ref that he’s not ready yet, and to keep Kofi back. Kofi protests and Christian takes the opportunity and blindsides him with a forearm to the chops. They go back and forth, trading blows until it looks like Kofi is picking up steam. He hits a series of slap noise kicks to Christians ribs, midsection and legs, sending the WWE Champion down to a knee.
Kofi goes for a shining wizard, but Christian ducks it and tries to roll out of the ering. He is quickly scooped up by John Cena and hurled back in. Cena grins at the champ and wags a finger at him. I don’t think so mate.
Christian whines to the ref about Cena putting hands on him, but the ref explains the rules to him again of the Lumberjack match. Obviously Christian isn’t too pleased, and he takes it out on Kofi. Kicking the challenger in the stomach, Christian whips Kofi hard into the corner where he bounces off the turnbuckle.
Christian gets ready to hit the Unprettier and end this early, but Kofi twists around and tries for a backslide pin attempt. Christian kicks out after two.
Both back to their feet, Christian whips Kofi into the ropes and follows up with a clothesline to the outside, where Barrett picks him and gives him a quick jab in the ribs while he’s at it.
That’s when things get wacky.
Sami Zayn barrels over and takes out Barrett with a boot to the face. Lethal gets involved, sparking Sami out with a a superkick, which brings Stixx into play who drops Lethal with a german suplex. Kong comes to her Gilded brethren’s aid and clubs Stixx in the neck with some fast forearm smashes. Bayley sprints out of fucking nowhere and takes Kong to the floor with a running neckbreaker. Rusev and Big E approach Bayley to do some harm to her, but Cena and Bryan white knight it and come to her rescue as a full on brawl kicks off at ringside.
In the actual match, Kofi is back in the ring and Christian goes for the Unprettier again. He wants this match done with sharpish.
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Kingston again twists out, dropping Christian with Jeff Hardy style sit out jaw breaker. He goes for the pin… 1… 2… OOOH
Christian kicks out!
The fighting has spilled out into the audience where Cena misses with a clothesline and accidentally lays out Daniel Bryan. The crowd hiss like they’re at the fucking panto as Cena goes to check on his friend. The distraction legs Big E clamp on his bear hug and Rusev superkicks Cena’s fool head off as Big E plants him with a german suplex to the concrete floor!
Christian dropkicks Kofi out of the ring, but the lumberjacks are all too busy battling one another to do anything about it. All except Jake The Snake Roberts. He stomps over to put the boot into Kofi, but Paul Heyman gets in his way! Snake squared up, but Heyman isn’t backing down! he gets in the face of Roberts, giving him some lip. Snake prods a finger into Heyman’s chest, and Paul punches him in the mouth.
The Snake can’t believe it! He’s gonna go for Heyman but Sami gets in the way and warns him off. The ref is counting Kofi out now, and Paul helps him up and checks on him. The ref is up to a count of 5, but the crowd are all saying Ten because they’ve gone into business for themselves like twats.
Kofi says he’s ok to carry on, but he’s barely through the ropes before Christian knees him in the face. Everyone apart from the ref is smacking the piss out of each other, and control is breaking down like crazy. Barrett battles Sami up the ramp, and looks like he’s going to sling him off the entrance. He grabs Sami back the neck and forces him to the edge, but out of nowhere comes Shelton Benjamin! Shelton drops Barrett with Paydirt onto the metal ramp! He makes the shape of a belt across his waste and walks backwards out of the area.
The ref is briefly distracted by Stixx pressing Jay Lethal into the ring steps, and the veteran Christian uses the chance to kicks Kofi in his Kingstons.
The challenger folds like a smashed deckchair. Christian picks him up, and lands the Unprettier!
He gets the ref’s attention and folds Kofi up for the pin.
One…
Two…
OOOH!!
KOFI KICKS OUT! KOFI KICKS OUT AND THIS MATCH IS NOT OVER!
More refs have turned up to try and get the Lumberjacks back on Lumbertrack, Sami and Barrett are out of it and being attended to by EMTs. Jey Lethal is in bits under some stairs and Cena and Bryan are still laid out on the concrete in the audience. The Snake Agency, Bayley, Paul Heyman and final surviving member of The GIlded Amazing Kong remain. The odds are stacked heavily in the heel’s favour, and they get more so when Bayley attempts a Bayley-to-Back suplex on Kong. Kong plants her centre of gravity is completely immovable. The Women’s Champion grabs Bayley by the hair and hoofs her hardcore through a barrier.
Heyman runs over to Bayley and screams to get some help, while the three massive lumberjacks in Big E, Rusev and Amazing Kong now circle the ring. They take a corner each, with the fourth guarded by Jake Roberts.
Kofi looks around at the unfavourable situation, and Christian starts to laugh, He’s giving Kofi a slow clap, gesturing around the ring at all his allies still standing and all Kofi’s dead on the ground. Kofi goes for some offence, but Christian scouts it and ducks, hitting a neckbreaker on the challenger. Swaggering around the ring and taking his time, Christian stomps on the fallen Kofi a couple of times. He’s so full of himself that Christian rolls out of the ring and has a word in The Snake’s ear. Jake questions it, but Christian is emphatic. Roberts shrugs and calls for his clients. They’re leaving.
The crowd don’t know what to make of it as The Snake Agency roll out, leaving Christian and Kofi with Awesome Kong as the last lumberjack standing. The two Gilded members give each other a nod as Christian gets back into the ring. But Kofi is right there! He’s on the attack straight away, kicking seven shades of shit out of Christian. It’s an aggressive battering the likes of which we haven’t seen from Kofi before now.
Christian is reeling, and he calls for Kong to get in and help him. The Women’s Champion starts for the ring, but suddenly Bayley is there up and about. She twats Kong a good one with the women’s title belt. Kong rocks back, still on her feet, and Bayley hits a dropkick to put Kong on the announce table. As Paul Heyman begs her not to, Bayley runs up onto the apron and dives off, driving Kong and herself through the announcer’s desk with an elbow drop. Funaki and the other lad scatter and pick bits of table out of their coffee.
Now finding himself in a singles match, Christian stomps out of the ring and grabs the time keepers chair. Heyman gets in his face, but Christian just shoves him down. The ref tries to get the chair out of Christian’s hands, warning him he’ll be disqualified! Christian couldn’t give a fuck and he raises the chair over his head to clatter Kofi with it, but it’s pulled right out of his hands from behind by John Cena!
Cena is up, and he waves the chair at Christian before dropping it behind him and shaking his head. Nope! The same neckbeards in the cheap seats get to booing, but the kids and women in the arena are losing their fucking minds. The ref ejects Cena from the ring, Kofi is up on his feet, he goes for Trouble in Paradise, Christian ducks and hits the Unprettier right onto the chair!
He shoves the chair out of the ring and covers Kofi. The ref turns…
One…
Two…
THREE!!
Christian Retains! Christian is STILL the World Heavyweight Champion!  ( A )
John Cena is livid, pointing at the chair and trying to explain to the ref what happened, but it doesn’t matter. This is WWE and there are no video playbacks. The ref tells Cena the decision is final and Paul Heyman has calm Cena down and talk him into coming back away from the ring.
Christian holds the title over his head and gloats as Cena is lead away looking properly pissed off.
He’s almost gone when Christian puts up a hand in front of his face… “You can’t see me!”
John Cena does see that, and he calmly turns and walks awaOh no wait here comes!

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Cena pegs it to the ring, punches Christian in the mouth, rips the title away from him and clatters his skull with it.

He leans over the fallen champion and says “Did you see that?!” ( B+ )
Overall Grade… B+
Increased popularity! Finally.
Pushed half my storylines up to A grade, so I won’t be getting that warning anymore I shouldn’t think.
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