Raw, Week 2 2017

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In a decent pre-show match, Kofi Kingston defeated Samoa Joe in 8:11 by pinfall with a Trouble in Paradise. ( 66 )

Now then… WELCOME TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW!

We are live from the BOK Centre in Tulsa, Oklahoma, the fans up in here are going nuts and all we’ve done is play the Raw theme.

“BOOM! BOOM! BOOM-BA-BOOM! BOOM!” The show starts with an impressive opening of pyro, before the lights are raised and several sections of the excited crowd are shown waving various signs. The focus then switches to the announce table where Joey Styles, Booker T and the Hardcore Legend Mick Foley introduce and hype tonight’s show and the expected impact the likes of WWE Champion Christian Cage, John Cena and Daniel Bryan are likely to have. ( 82 )

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Also tonight ladies and gentlemen, Raw General Manager Paul Heyman has promised a huge announcement with regards the upcoming 30th Royal Rumble! ( 74 )

BRRRRABADOOOO!

Oh my effing life it’s Big Match John John Superman Cena! He looks cheerful at the top of the ramp, showing off his new t-shirt and matching towel which is Mint Green this time.

The Face of the Company John Cena slides into the ring to a chorus made up equal parts boos and cheers. He ignores the boos and enjoys the cheers, smiling it up and throwing an arm band into the crowd. You think a kid gets it, but chances are in one of the grown men booing Cena who jumps about four foot in the air for a chance to catch a piece of merch worn by someone he will later claim to hate.

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Big John Stud rocks the mic and thanks the people of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Home to WWE Legend and Smackdown Deputy General Manager Good Ol’ JR! The crowd pops for the town name, and then even bigger for mention of JR. John Boy does some mental calculations and realises something… “You know what guys. I just worked it out. Seems like this is the second Raw of the year and the second Raw of the year that I’ve opened. Now some people might call me part time, which is getting harder and harder to say with a straight face since I done been here every damn week, but I think more accurately you might call John Cena a Curtain Jerker!”

The crowd love that. Bit of inside talk.

“I’m out here at the top of every show, every Monday night, just to let all y’all haters know that The Champ Is Still Here and let all the boys in the back know that if they still want some, they can still come get some!”

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It’s Jake Roberts! The WWE Hall of Famer and manager of The Snake Agency. Seems strange to see him coming out by himself without either of clients, Big E or Rusev.

“You see that’s just the trouble John. You’re still here!”

Some boos, but mostly a lot of cheers from this Tulsa crowd. They love them some legends.

“Week in and week out John, you’re still here. Getting in the ring, running off at the mouth, throwing away your merch for free. Well I’m afraid John, that you may be there to give some, but aint nobody want none boy.”

Cena smiles this off. He’s in full white meat babyface mode tonight. It’s like 1998 Rocky Maivia style. Jake continues…

“Take it from an old timer John… you’re just taking up space. You’re done. You gotta know when to walk away kid. The crowds have turned on you. They’re tired of the same old shtick, shaking hands and taking vitamins and saying prayers. You’re a hack John. What happended to your Ruthless Aggression?”

John sets his jaw and glares at Snake.

“You wanna find out what happened to it?”

The crowd go OOOOH like a bunch of marks. Jake chuckles.

“Not me son. You see I knew when my time in the ring was up. I knew to change paths, make way for the new blood. The Next Generation of Superstars. Trust me.”

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YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!

Daniel Bryan has arrived and the entire roof of the BOK Centre just left, into space, because he is over as fuck.

Bryan lets the applause die down and gets on the mic himself.

“Jake, you’re one of the best in ring psychologists this business has ever seen, but you’re also a manipulative cunning sleazy lying scumbag. You may have Big E and Rusev coiled around your finger, but you’re gonna have to do a lot better than this to get under the skin of John Cena!”

Bryan rolls into the ring to join Cena, and gives him a nod. “He’s as mentally strong as he is physically strong Jake, just like me and just like our team here. I am the best wrestler in the world right now, and John Cena is the biggest WWE Superstar on the planet! Even with your two gigantic lapdogs, there’s no force going that can put us down.” ( 100! )

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That rad ass music plays and here comes WWE Champion Christian and former Universal Tag Team Champions Edge and Uso. Christian lifts the mic to speak, but throws it down the three rush the ring and start battering Cena and Bryan. The face put up a good fist of it, but the numbers advantage of The Gilded gets the better of them. Christian clotheslines himself and Cena over the top rope, and Edge gets Daniel up on his shoulders. Looks like it’s gonna be The Gilded Edge for The American Dragon. ( 83 )

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Christ on a bike it’s Kyle O’Reilly and Bobby Fish; the WWE Universal Tag Team Champions reDragon! They peg it to the ring, and even things up, saving Bryan and putting the boots to Edge and Uso. ( 70 )

In a bout that had good wrestling and a decent reaction from the crowd, reDRagon defeated The Gilded in 13:09 when Kyle O’Reilly defeated Edge by pinfall with a Chasing The Dragon.

Jey Uso was the weak link, struggling to keep up with everyone else’s in-ring performance. ( 76 )

The Gilded back up the ramp after their defeat, with Christian and Jake Roberts in tow, but this isn’t over.

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Shitting Crikey it’s The chuffing Briscoes! They make a fast break for the ring, but reDragon run out to meet them and everyone starts kicking the piss out of each on the entrance ramp. ( 53 )

Hang on…

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It’s that pain freak masochist Awakened Goldust! What the hell is he getting involved for?

Goldust throws himself into the fight, hands behind his back, begging anyone to hit him. He screams in Jay Briscoe’s face, “WAKE ME UP!”

This is sick. Goldust is doing anything he can to get hurt!

Jay shrugs and drops the awakened one with a Superkick. ( 53 )

BOOM!

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The place catches fire for a moment and everyone is blinded. When their eyesight returns we find Kane and Rob Van Dam standing together.

Goldust takes one look at the pair and climbs to his feet, running right at them and screaming “WAKE ME UP!” over and over again, until Kane takes a casual step forward and clotheslines him 450 around and flat on his back.

The brawl stops and the assembled workers stare up at the flaming entrance as Kane gets down to one knee, Rob jumps up and vaults off Kane’s shoulders to hit Goldust with a Five Star Frog Splash on the ramp.

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OH MY GOD! Did you see that Mick? RVD just used Kane as a springboard for that attack!

Kane and RVD walk purposefully down the ramp, and the other teams part to let them through. They don’t want anything to do with this.

The former tag team champions get into the ring. Rob points his thumbs and the pyro flashes for R V D, with Kane dropping his hands and bursting the turnbuckles into flame a moment later.

Does Kane look bigger to you somehow Joey? I know Kane has always been a machine but from where I’m sitting he is a terrifying behemoth! What’s gonna happen to the WWE with these two maniacs working together? Who’s possibly going to oppose them? ( 88 )

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OH OH YEEEEAAAH!!!

It’s the ECW Champion Matt Hardy! He is a fucking IDIOT to be coming out right now. What the hell is he thinking?

Matt grabs a mic and tells us exactly what he’s thinking, “Rob Van Dam! One of the most successful ECW Champions of all time! Until now!”

Matt pats the belt on his waist, “Last week I suffered The Sandman and I came out victorious! At New Year’s Revolution I SHREDDED Raven in barbed wire and I walked away with this ECW title. You see I’m on a quest to become the most Extreme Champion in ECW history, and that path runs right through YOU!” ( 64 )

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ECW TITLE MATCH

In a decent match, Matt Hardy took on Rob Van Dam for the ECW Title. Rob gave Kane a silent signal, and the Big Red Monster just stepped out of the ring and left the area. Looks like RVD was able to tame the beast somehow!

Rob is much more aggressive than we’ve seen him in this company, and there was none of this trademark smirking and showboating. He got right down to business and Matt looked like he might have underestimated this new Rob Van Dam. RVD hit Matt with a spinning heel kick to the chops, then instead of leaping to the top rope he vaulted from the second turnbuckle, just like he did from Kane’s knee, and plants himself on Matt with the Five Star Frog Splash!

Rob goes for the pin… 1… 2…

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Edge runs in from the crowd and pulls RVD off Matt by the legs, drags him out of the ring and then SPEAR! SPEAR TO RVD! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON TONIGHT?!

There’s no love lost between Matt Hardy and Edge, so why Edge helping Matt now?! We don’t find out, because Edge gives Matt a sarcastic salute and then disappears back off into the crowd.

Matt doesn’t know what just happened. He just stands there looking stupid as the referee gets to TEN and counts RVD out.

Kane comes charging back to the ringside area, but Edge is long gone. The big red machine gets into the ring and makes Matt Hardy pay, punching him in the throat and lifting him upside down. Kane , holding Matt in place with one massive arm, cuts his throat with his thumb and then jumps around and dropping Hardy with a Spinning Tombstone. ( 73 )

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“That’s enough! This night has gone from mayhem to madness and I have had enough! WWE Raw is MY SHOW and I will not allow it to fall to chaos, no matter who the bringer of that chaos may be! I’ve got a huge announcement to make tonight, one that’s going to have an enormous impact on The 30th Rumble Royal, but I can’t do that with people running around and going into business for themselves. So I’m going to do some business of my own.

This year’s Royal Rumble Match is momentous, in that it will be a FORTY MAN ROYAL RUMBLE! Triple H and JR on Smackdown have already begun matches to decide who will take a spot in the Rumble, and tonight we will begin ourselves. If you want to be in the Rumble, you have to earn it!

That is unless… you’re a Deadman. ( 74 )

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GONG!

The Undertake is here!

Paul stands aside, “Allow me to introduce Monday Night Raw’s first official entrant into the 30th Royal Rumble… The Undertaker!”

Kane and RVD don’t want to deal with Taker right now, and when Kane’s pyro fades down this time they are both gone. ( 95 )

Haha, I love that you can teleport and I want to ask you exactly how it is you get out of the ring without the crowd seeing you, but as you know I was almost out of the ring myself before I stared doing DDP Yoga.

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We’re back to WWE Raw and we’re abouto to see our first Royal Rumble 30 Qualifying Match between Mr Kennedy and The Miz!

The winner of this will be entered randomly into the Rumble at the end of the month.

In a bout that had decent wrestling but little heat, Mr. Kennedy defeated The Miz in 6:49 by pinfall with a Mic Check. ( 65 )

Mr Kennedy is celebrating while Miz looks proper hacked off, when the HD Set quickly flashes the message “SAVE THE RUMBLE”. ( 76 )

No one knows what that means, or even that they really saw it, so Joey Styles tells us about some of the great charity works the WWE are doing for sick children all over the world, then we get back to the action as Sami Zayn takes on Ryback in another Royal Rumble Qualifying Match!

In a bout that had great wrestling and good heat, Sami Zayn defeated Ryback in 7:38 by pinfall. ( 74 )

Sami gets halfway up the ramp when he’s attacked from behind by IC Champion Bad News Barrett and European Champion Jay Lethal! Looks like The Gilded want to take out the Rumble competition early! Of course Barrett and Sami have had their issues, feuding over the Intercontinental Championship at the end of last year.

The Gilded members give Sami a pasting, but it’s impossible to keep him down! Sami is fighting for everything he’s worth, but he’s not fighting on his own!

Out comes Shelton Benjamin to take on Barrett, and then Carlito to rough up Jay Lethal! ( 80 )

It’s Champions vs Challengers, until the “Special Agreement” kicks in and we see Christian at the top of the ramp directing traffic, sending Rusev and Big E to tip the scales in The GIlded’s favour! This is getting ridiculous, and Paul Heyman thinks so because he appears on the Titantron looking pissed off backstage.

“I SAID ENOUGH! Now I know I can’t make you Gilded wrestle on my show, but that same obstacle doesn’t apply to Jake’s clients! Everyone clear the ring area. We’re having a match! One on One, between Rusev and Shelton Benjamin!” ( 84 )

In a bout that had good heat and decent wrestling, Rusev defeated Shelton Benjamin in 11:47 by pinfall after Jake The Snake interfered, distracting the ref to allow Big E to enter the ring and hardcore German Suplex Shelton as Rusev superkicks him in the face. Big E quick rolls out as the ref sends Jake away, turning in time to count the pin on Shelton. ( 76 )

Following Rusev’s victory, Jake Roberts goes and grabs a bag before circling the fallen Shelton Benjamin. Roberts then pulls out his snake, Damien, and drops it on Shelton! ( 76 )

Bad News Barrett reappears as the snake slithers away and Jake coaxes it back into the bag. The IC Champion lifts Shelton Benjamin and clatters him down with the Wasteland!

The he takes off his IC Title and drapes it over Shelton, just as the snake was. “That’s the closest you’re getting to that pal!” yells Barrett at the fallen Shelton, but before he can do more damage it’s John Cena time again.

The man who buried The Nexus runs down the ring and Barrett has time to grab up his title belt before he gets the hell out of the ring. ( 82 )

Barrett rejoins Christian, Lethal, Jake, Big E and Rusev at the top of the ramp. To finish the picture, your WWE Universal Women’s Champion Amazing Kong barrels out. The men move out of her way so she can hoist her gold up and show everyone that The Gilded are still the majority champions.

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Shit me, it’s the only face even more baby than John Cena, it’s Bayley!

The men get right out of the way, because this 2017 and they don’t physically interact with the women anymore, as Bayley attacks Kong! She want her rematch for the Women’s title, and she’s come out here to force Kong into accepting her challenge!

Unfortunately for the Hugger, Kong isn’t exactly a push over, and she throws Bayley clear across the entrance with relative ease.

Kong bares down on Bayley with menace in her eyes, ready to finish her off. ( 67 )

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Shit in a bag and punch it, IT’S PAIGE! PAIGE IS BACK!

We haven’t seen the former Universal Women’s Champion for months, ever since Amazing Kong put her through a table after taking her title! And now she’s back for a measure of revenge!

Bayley is on her feet and Paige is beside her, both women staring down Amazing Kong!

And then WHAM!

She turns and belts Bayley with the Stan Lane side kick!

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON?!

Paige stomps Bayley into the ground and laughs her bastard head off.

Suddenly Jake Roberts has a mic, “Allow me to explain… by introducing the latest signing to my Snake Agency. The Youngest Women’s Champion in WWE History… Paige!”

Paige does that hair flip thing and Rusev and Big E lift her up on their shoulders as the crowd boo the fucking place down. ( 67 )

Kong picks up Bayley and tosses her down the ramp, where Cena and Shelton are waiting to pick her up. They check to make sure she’s alright and then help her to her feet. The rest of the faces, which to recap means we’re looking at John Cena, Shelton Benjamin, Daniel Bryan, Bayley, Carlito and Sami Zayn, get on out of the ring and stand united at the bottom of the ramp.

Up top, the heel faction of Christian, Rusev, Big E, Paige, Jake Roberts, Barrett, Lethal and Kong glare back down at them. It looks like it’s going to kick right off. ( 81 )

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“Hello everyone. It’s me, your BOSS, Paul Heyman!

I said I’d had enough of this constant chaos earlier tonight, and yet you continue to defy my orders in your attempts to make Monday Night Raw a mockery of madness and mayhem. Well NO MORE! You see it’s time for my Royal Rumble Announcement!

Oh… you didn’t think the qualifying matches for it did you? No No no no no… that’s just an idea I stole from Smackdown. No no no, my Royal Rumble Announcement goes like this; You see some time ago our Chairman, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, decreed that all Champions on Raw would be given Champion’s Rights; the privilege of choosing against whom they defend their titles. Members of The Gilded have chosen to exercise those rights each and every week since then, refusing to wrestle on TV and forcing challengers to jump through numerous hoops in order to be considered for a shot. Vince LOVED IT, obviously, but as we’re coming up to the 30th Royal Rumble and as yet our WWE Champion does not have a challenger, Vince decided he couldn’t wait anymore.

As such, last week’s match between Rusev and John Cena match ONE of a WWE Title Number One Contender’s tournament, if you will. John Cena won that match, and as such has advanced and will face Christian at the Royal Rumble!”

Christian is utterly frigging livid, throwing a proper shit fit at the top of the ramp. He starts kicking off at Rusev for losing his match, but Jake gets between them and tries to talk the Champ down.

Heyman continues, “Now Mr McMahon has gotten in contact with me tonight and ordered that I declare tonight’s proposed main event, between Daniel Bryan and Big E, to be the SECOND match of that tournament. If Daniel Bryan wins, he will be added to the match between Christian and John Cena at the Royal Rumble to make it a Triple Threat Championship Match! If Big E wins… well then I suppose there’s going to be an awkward conversation between Christian and his “special” associate Jake Roberts isn’t there?

Oh and also… That match is NOW!” ( 75 )

The Faces pump Bryan up as the Heels, mostly Christian, warn Big E not to lose! Jake seems to be promising Christian that their pact of non-aggression will stand if Big E wins, but it’s not doing much to make the champion happy.

Big E’s had enough of talking however, and he pegs it to the ring ignoring the assembled babyfaces, and goes right for Bryan in the corner.

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Big E’s size advantage continues to overwhelm Bryan, and every time Daniel tries to make a comeback Big E is there to power through him.

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BANG! Rock Bottom off the middle turnbuckle.

Big E Goes for the Pin!

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1…

2…

BRYAN KICKS OUT!

He gets to his feet, slowly, and whaps the big lad in the face with a swift series of kicks.

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He hits the Running Knee on Big E, and covers for him own pin…

1…

2…

KICK OUT! Big E kicks out and the heel squad up the ramp are going nuts for it.

The faces meanwhile stay at the bottom of the ramp, to ward off any potential interference in this huge match up.

Big E whips Daniel into the ropes, he goes for a High Knee for Big E catches him and dumps him out of the ring to the floor below!

The faces keep their distance, and Big E climbs out and starts hoofing Daniel into the ring post. Again and again he slams his arms and head and back into the post.

Shelton gets up on the apron to demand the referee get his head out of his ass and do something about this!

Big E goes for a chair, and Cena has cena enough (aye? aye?) He pulls the chair out of Big E’s hands from behind him, tells the big lad he can’t see him, then swings at him with the weapon… which Big E ducks.

CENA SMASHES DANIEL BRYAN OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR AND KNOCKS HIM CLEAN OUT!

OH My GAWD! A missed shot by John Cena, reminiscent of what happened at Survivor Series last year, and Daniel Bryan is hurt!

The ref starts paying attention, and Big E starts loudly complaining that Cena has a chair. The ref agrees this is not on, and orders Cena and all the faces back away from the ring!

Cena begs to be able to help Bryan, but the ref forces him away and Shelton and Sami come to persuade Big John to keep out of it.

Big E rolls into the ring, and as the Face team scream their encouragement and the Heels hoot and holler, Big E taps his temple in the style of Jake Roberts and the referee counts…

1…

2…

3…

They’re screaming at Bryan to get up! GET UP DANIEL!

He starts to stir at ringside.

4…

5…

6…

He’s on his feet, he’s woozy, but he’s on his feet! Come on DANIEL!

7…

8…

Bryan realises what’s going on and makes for the ring.

9…

He’s up the apron and…

10!

10 10 10 10 10 10 !!

The ref calls for the bell and Daniel Bryan is counted out of this match, and out of the Title Match at the Royal Rumble!

In an exceptional match, Big E defeated Daniel Bryan in 11:16 by count out. ( 82 )

The Heels are utterly utterly delighted, giving Big E a round of applause. Jake and Christian shake hands, further cementing their deal.

To add insult to injury, Big E hoists Daniel up and slams him back down with a belly to back suplex, before being run off by a livid Cena.

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Cena calls for some help for Daniel as Big E joins his fellow heels to a heroes welcome as Raw goes off air.

OVERALL – 89 ( One point shy of an A rating)
This Show Increased our Popularity in 27 Regions

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