Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to WWE Power Hour, which is taped BEFORE Raw on Mondays so the crowd don’t all fuck off home before it starts.
A video airs reminding us of the clusterfuck Raw last week, ending with John Cena batting Daniel Bryan in the face with a chair causing Bry to be pinned by Big E. (86)
Ashley Flair comes down the ring with her father and manager, Hall of Famer Ric Flair. She starts kicking off about there being no opportunity in the women’s division on Raw. Amazing Kong can pick and choose who she faces for the title, and she’s chosen Bayley? Who the hell is Bayley? Some side-pony cheerleader from development? Ashley Flair is a second generation legend in the making! If anyone deserves that title shot, it’s her!
Ric Flair says WOOO and sweat just drips off his red tomato face.
Bayley sheens out to a decent pop, telling Ashley that she hasn’t had a title shot because she doesn’t deserve one. Bayley EARNED her way to the top, and she may have come up short but at least she got to try, unlike Ashley.
That’s when Naomi raves out, twerking all the way down the ramp, and says actually SHE deserves a title shot. Bayley’s had her chance and Ashley’s Daddy can’t move her up to the front of the line.
Then old Becky Lynch dances out and says actually it is she who deserves a title shot. It’s time for a change in the women’s division and the champion needs to have straight FIRE!
At which point Mickie James rocks up, telling everyone that she’s a former Women’s Champion unlike anyone currently in the ring. She’s back in the WWE and she didn’t return to sit around watching other women win belts. She wants her title back!
TITLE BACK?! Ha!
Oh shit. It’s PAIGE! And she’s not on her own because behind her is manager Jake The Snake Roberts. Ric Flair looks fucking livid to be sharing an arena with Jake, who just smiles and waves at the old plum. Paige says if anyone is challenging for the title, it will be here because she is contractually owed a rematch. Of course The Snake Agency has a non-aggression pact with The Gilded, so she won’t be challenging Kong, but she is definitely head and shoulders and tits above the rest of these idiots.
Of course this then leads to a 3 v 3 six man tag match featuring Faces v Heels. (64)
In a bout that had sub-par wrestling and little heat, Ashley Flair, Naomi and Paige defeated Bayley, Becky Lynch and Mickie James in 10:15 when Paige defeated Bayley by pinfall after using a foreign object.
Becky Lynch was the weak link, struggling to keep up with everyone else’s in-ring performance. (59)
(Becky Lynch also broke her fucking nose. Her in ring performance was 37. She’s shit. Best two in the match? Ashley (73) and Bayley (67) and Mickie James got a 58, which is balls)
The Briscoes are out next, with about 5 teeth between them, to shit all over the tag division. They’re going to stomp reDragon at Royal Rumble 30, and take the Universal Tag Team Titles back home to Briscoville, where they’ll be kept forever because there’s obviously not a single other team in Raw who can properly challenge them. At which point Free Ryder runs out to a good pop and suggests that before the Rumble, perhaps The Briscoes might like to put up, or shut up? (48)
(48?! John Cena told me to give them mic time! Also Jay Briscoe improvised well, Mark Briscoe did a MASTERFUL job improvising. They both came across well and looked good. So… 48?!)
In a bout that had decent wrestling but non-existent crowd heat, The Briscoes defeated Free Ryder in 8:40 when Jay Briscoe defeated Zack Ryder by pinfall with a Jay Driller.
In terms of in-ring work, Jay Briscoe was head and shoulders above everyone else. (60)
Backstage Damien Sandow is complaining loudly to anyone who’ll listen that he never should have lost his Hardcore Title and that what Matt Hardy is doing with it now is criminal. Matt Hardy is an idiot and ECW is dead! Wasn’t that the show where a frigging zombie came out to get caned by Sandman and they had a teenage girl stripping on the entrance ramp?
Sandow say’s the Hardcore Title was much more interesting. It was 24/7!
Shelton Benjamin’s had enough of listening to the fool, and tells Sandow if he’s so interested in 24/7 competition then how about meeting him in the ring right now?
Sandow doesn’t seem especially up for it, but too frigging bad because Paul Heyman is passing by and he makes the match, and for adding fun he decides that this is going to be a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match! (85)
In a superb match, Shelton Benjamin defeated Damien Sandow in 11:02 by pinfall with a Paydirt. (79)
(Shelton Benjamin was penalised for declining physical ability. For real. Go tell him his physical ability is declining and then watch him Pele kick the idiot look off your face. Through a ladder)
Overall Grade… 77