We open the show with John Cena already in the ring. The crowd are in the middle of chanting “LET’S GO CENA!” and “CENA SUCKS!” at each other, and John John is taking it all with reasonable good humour. Once the marks have calmed down, he gets right to the point, “Last week on Raw I made a mistake. A huge mistake. I can’t hide from it and I can’t run from it, and I shouldn’t. A man confronts the things he’s done, good or bad. So, let’s see it again.”
Cena cues up a video of him clattering Daniel Bryan in the head with a chair last week.
The crowd boo so hard Cena’s hat moves.
“Now I know y’all might hate me for that. Everyone loves Daniel Bryan and last week I cost him a shot at the World Heavyweight Title. By hitting him with that chair, it allowed Big E to pin Daniel and take him out of the proposed Triple Threat Match at Royal Rumble 30.”
Just for pointing that out, the crowd book him even harder.
“I know. I know. I’d be disappointed too. But I have something that I hope will get you to forgive me and that I hope Daniel will come down here himself to receive. Daniel?”
There’s a brief moment where it looks like The American Dragon might not turn up, but then his music hits and the crowd goes chuffing mentile.
They’re doing YES arms all over the shop as Daniel, wearing a neck brace and with a couple of plasters stuck on his forehead in a cross, comes on down to the ring.
Bryan gets on mic and tells John that he doesn’t need to apologise. He has nothing to apologise for. Daniel has seen the footage and it’s clear that John didn’t mean to hit him with the chair, so there’s no problem here. Cena cuts him off, “No Daniel, there is a problem. I have a problem. My problem is that I took you out of what could’ve been one of the best Royal Rumble main events in history! John Cena… Daniel Bryan… The World Heavyweight Champion Christian! Triple Threat! One on one on one for the highest prize in our industry! And now we won’t get to see it.”
Bryan shrugs it off, but you can tell he’s disappointed.
“So Daniel, I went back last week after I put you in the ambulance and I spoke to Paul Heyman. Now Paul agrees with me that what could’ve been would’ve been a HUGE main event match, and so to replace the one I ruined he wanted to set one up for the future.”
Cena takes a small envelope out of his pocket.
“In two weeks time, it’s the 30th Royal Rumble, and superstars from Raw and Smackdown have already qualified and thrown their hats in the ring to compete in the Royal Rumble Match! Superstars like… Sami Zayn! Like Stixx! Like Sheamus! Like Shelton Benjamin! And that’s just the S names. How about this, how about like… The Undertaker! And now… like Daniel Bryan.”
Cena hands Bryan the envelope.
“Paul Heyman has automatically entered you into the Royal Rumble and that right there is your number Daniel!”
The crowd are loving it. Daniel doesn’t know what to do. He looks at the envelope, deciding whether to open it or not. He smiles at Cena and looks at this number quickly. He seems very happy.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce to do you the winner of the 30th Annual Royal Rumble Match…”
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!
It’s Edge! The Rated R Superstar Edge is out here, mic in hand, clapping for himself.
“That’s a lot for that introduction John, it really means a lot coming from possibly my greatest nemesis in this industry and a guy I’ve beat so many times. That’s just great. But you’re right John, because I WILL be the winner of the 30thRoyal Rumble!”
Daniel leans over the ropes to look Edge in the eyes. “I don’t know Edge. I mean… are you sure your boss is gonna let you?”
Edge doesn’t like that. Not at all.
“Or maybe he doesn’t mind. Come to think of it, because maybe he knows he’s gonna LOSE to John Cena at the Rumble, and whomever gets a guaranteed Wrestlemania Main Event won’t concern him at all, because he won’t be Champion anymore!”
Oooooooh! go the crowd of loud-mouth babies in the arena, holding up signs with Mr Bean on and whatnot, like that means anything.
Edge does that thing where he pulls his hair down because he’s angry. “Well how about this Daniel! How about I come in there and I make SURE John Cena doesn’t make it to that match, just like John Cena made sure YOU wouldn’t make it to that match!”
Before Daniel can reply, Cena just screams YOU’RE ON! And throws his t-shirt into the crowd.
Edge backs away, “It’s not that simple John, even if you are. I’m not the ultimate opportunist for nothing, and I’m sure as hell not dumb enough to get into the ring two on one with guys like you. How about this… tonight you take on me and Uso in a tag team match? And just as a reminder John, you’re supposed to hit the guys on the OTHER team!” (100!)
Backstage reDragon are kicking around enjoying being Universal Tag Team Champions. They grab some food from the catering table, when The Dudley Boyz rock up. “Well look at this D-Von… it’s the CURRENT Universal Tag Team Champions, very carelessly standing so close to a table with no care for their own wellbeing.”
reDragon look at each other, then pie face Bubba and D’Von with their food. Hot lasagne drips down Bubba’s face, and the two teams start a-brawling. Referees and officials break them up, but Bubba screams that they’ll see them in the ring. Then he eats some of the lasagne off his face and tells reDragon that dinner is served, because their table is ready!”. (72)
In a bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, Kyle O’Reilly defeated Bubba Ray Dudley in 9:33 by pinfall while using the ropes for leverage. (65)
(Kyle O’Reilly and Bobby Fish are a very poor combination? The Fuck?!)
We see Kofi Kingston wandering the halls of the arena looking for someone. He asks a couple of stage hands, who point him in the direction of The Big Show.
Show is just stood there glaring at a cardboard cut-out of Shaquille O’Neal. Kingston asks him what he’s doing, and Show pretends it’s nothing. “Listen Show, we’ve both been Tag Team Champion before, and right now some of the hottest teams in the world are competing on Raw. reDragon and The Briscoes have made huge names for themselves in Japan, The Dudley Boyz are the most decorated tag team in the business and guys like The Vaudevillians are only gonna get better. I want to get back in the division but I got no partner. What do you say? Do you wanna be Tag Team Champion again?”
Big Show doesn’t even hesitate. He shakes Kingston’s hand punches the Shaq cut out in half, then he walks off. Kofi looks pleased, “Well… looks like it’s gonna be a big day.” (76)
In a bout that had sub-par wrestling and little heat, Kofi Kingston and The Big Show defeated The Vaudevillains in 8:02 when The Big Show defeated Aiden English by pinfall with a Choke Slam. (50)
Raw General Manager Paul Heyman is at a podium on the entrance, giving us all a few stats for the Royal Rumble.
“This year marks the 30th Anniversary of the Royal Rumble Match! This year we’re doing things a little differently, since there are so many superstars across both Raw and Smackdown, the Royal Rumble Match will involve not thirty, but FORTY men competing to eliminate everyone else and put themselves on the Road to Wrestlemania!
You all know the rules about going over the top rope and feet touching the ground, but you may not know that since it’s invention by Pat Patterson, 867 men and 3 women have competed in the match. Of those, only 23 have won the Royal Rumble and of those 23, 13 men have gone on to Main Event Wrestlemania and WIN the World Title! Interesting fact… 30% of all Royal Rumbles are won by Stone Cold Steve Austin.
As you already heard, former World Champion Daniel Bryan has entered the match, as well as former European Champion Stixx, multiple time Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin and my personal pick to win this year, Sami Zayn! All top talent superstars here on Raw, all find themselves with an equal chance of rising up and taking on the champion and the showcase of the immortals.
The superstar with the most eliminations in this match however is not from Raw. It’s Smackdown’s Roman Reigns, who beat the previous record holder Kane… (79)
Oh shit here comes the previous record holder Kane.
Rob Van Dam pulls the mic out of Paul’s hand, “Hi Paul. Kane wants in the Rumble. Kane wants to introduce his brother The Undertaker to his destructor. Kane wants to remind The Undertaker that he is The Devil’s Favourite Demon and he wants to eliminate The Undertaker from the match and from the WWE!”
Kane just stares hard at Paul, who looks to about shit himself. “Rob, you and me go way back, and I’ve seen you at your most aggressive, but what you’re doing recently has been nothing short of insane. Why would you antagonise The Undertaker? What do you hope to achieve?”
RVD grins, “He’ll show you. Kane wants in the Rumble and he’s happy to qualify just like everyone else. Get his opponent out here right now, and meet The Destructor! (85)
Fucking hell mate, Apollo… what are you thinking? Heyman pats Apollo on the back and wishes him luck.
In a poor match, Kane defeated Apollo Crews in 6:22 by pinfall with a Spinning Tombstone Piledriver. After the match Kane lifts Crews up for another Tombstone, and RVD leaps off the turnbuckle to drive Apollo down by the feet. He’s more or less dead. (53)
Backstage, Bayley is chatting to Becky Lynch who’s sporting a smashed nose and Cody Rhodes style face mask after their match at Power Hour. Amazing Kong walks by, stops, shines up her Universal Women’s Title belt, and then carries on walking. (66)
She walks by Mr Kennedy, who’s telling Darren Young and Zack Ryder all about his career in TNA. He’s going on about how mint he was, about how he was champion and about how he basically carried the company on his back for years while the other guys just collected paycheques like it was WCW in the 90s.
Darren and Zack look sheepish and Kennedy turns round to find himself face to face with Samoan Joseph! Kennedy tries to talk his way out of the confrontation, but Joe is having none of it. He punches Kennedy in the face and says, “Let’s take this out there.” (56)
In a bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, Samoa Joe defeated Mr. Kennedy in 10:23 by pinfall after a Muscle Buster, which is a move he should not be allowed to do every again. (65)
Samoa Joe is walking back up the ramp when Goldust comes out! Joe gets ready to brush off the pain loving maniac, but Dust races right by him without even looking.
He gets a mic and gets in the ring, “I’ve tried everything! I can’t think. I can’t THINK anymore! Everything’s so fuzzy around the edges it’s like I’m drugged but I’m not drugged! I’m asleep. You’re ALL ASLEEP! This isn’t real! Look around you! LOOK AT ME!
I need to wake up and I’ve tried and tried and tried and tried and nothing wakes me up and I just keep dreaming this horrible horrible dream all day all NIGHT!
I need to take extreme measure. I need to take the most extreme measures… I need to take the ECW Title! I had it! I had it and I lost it and since then I’ve been sleeping my life away but NO MORE! NOT ANYMORE!
Matt Hardy! Come down here and WAKE ME UP!”
Matt’s music hits and he comes out, but he does not look like he’s about it. He’s already shaking his head. “Not a frigging chance. No. You’re mental! I’m not getting in the ring with someone as broken as you. I’m the ECW Champion and I might not be Gilded but I still get Champion’s Rights. You may have been WWE Hardcore Champion, but that belt is gone man. This is the ECW Title and unless you were in ECW I got no time for you.
Come back to me when you’re Super Crazy, and not just super crazy.”
Matt walks off, leaving a screaming Goldust bouncing his own head off the turnbuckle. He keeps screaming that he wants to wake up, and now he looks really really angry.
Damien Sandow’s music hits and down he comes for their match, looking pretty anxious about the whole thing. (75)
In a decent match, Goldust defeated Damien Sandow when Goldust brought a chair into the ring, handed it to Sandow and then demanded over and over again that Sandow hit him with it. At first he didn’t want to, but instead of staying on his knees Goldust got up and attacked Sandow.
Pummelling him into the corner, The Bizarre One kept physically goading Sandow until he couldn’t take it anymore, picked up the chair and despite the referee yelling at him not to, he hit Goldust so hard the chair bend over his head.
Referees pulled Sandow out of the ring as the motionless body of Goldust is checked on by EMT’s and ringside Doctors. After a moment, Goldust sits bolt upright and then screams his head off because he’s still asleep. (77)
Carlito cuts a promo on Jay Lethal, berating him for being afraid to face anyone for the European Title because he’s scared he’ll lose it. The Miz interrupts, claiming he’s the clear choice for number one contender because he’s AWESOME, and Stixx charges down to make it a Triple Threat. (78)
In a decent match, Carlos Colon Jr. defeated Stixx and The Miz in 12:13 when Carlos Colon Jr. defeated The Miz by pinfall with a Backcracker.
The Miz was the weak link, struggling to keep up with everyone else’s in-ring performance. (72)
A video airs showing Sami Zayn being mint all over the place and wrestling the likes of Big E, Bad News Barrett and Shelton Benjamin. He’s not on Raw this week because he’s off in Florida training NXT guys, but this video is just a reminder of how dope Sami Zayn is. The last thing you see is Sami qualifying for the Rumble by beating Ryback last week on Raw. (85)
And now it’s time for The Bad News, with your Intercontinental Champion Wade “Bad News” Barrett.
“Bad News for America this week as maniac president and WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump decides to ban people from Muslim countries just for the fuck of it, and the Supreme Court tell him he’s not allowed. Bad News from across the pond as British Prime minister and unelected hag Teresa May cosies up to Trump like a scalded dog, making everyone very uneasy.
In local Bad News, I am your Intercontinental Champion and there’s not a single person on this roster who can take the title from me, because I don’t have to let them. I decide who I face and when I face them, and if you don’t like it that’s just… bad news!
Today’s guest on The Bad News is IC Title Challenger wannabe Shelton Benjamin, who used to be great like 10 years ago. Welcome Shelton!”
Out comes the Gold Standard, getting nose to nose with Barrett in the ring.
“Hello mate. Just wanted to get you out here to give you the bad news. You see you’re finished. You were The Gold Standard, the best pure athlete in the WWE, but that was ten years ago. The rust’s setting in Shelton. You might be one of the best wrestlers in the WWE, but you used to be definitely the best. Now there’s this question mark hanging over you. Is he too old? Will he be able to keep the pace? Is he slowing down?”
In answer to that question, Shelton quick pops up and drops Barrett with Paydirt!
He picks up the mic, “Nope.”
Then he holds the IC title belt up high, “Doesn’t matter how old I am, or who you put in my way… I’m Shelton Benjamin and there AINT NO STOPPING ME NOW!!!!” (78)
The announcers put over the fact that we’ll be seeing Rusev take on R-Truth in a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match (58)
In a poor match, Rusev buried R-Truth in 3:25 by kicking the fuck out of him while he was still rapping and locking him in The Accolade for the tap out. (56)
A cryptic message flashes on the screen, just like last week. It reads “StR 20D”, but then the screen flickers weird, briefly showing a flash of Yokozuna, and the text changes to “StR 13D” (76)
Edge and Christian are in their Gilded Locker room, with Bad News Barrett looking fucked off, “He’s dead at the Rumble lads! I’ll put him in the dirt and bury him with my bare hands!” Christian loves it. He congratulates Barrett on his aggression, and goes on to say the same to Edge, “You went out there and you told that blowhard idiot Cena that we’re not gonna stand by and listen to him talking shit about us. I know you and Uso don’t have your belts anymore, but if you can take out Cena before the PPV then it’ll go a long way to helping your position in the group.” (83)
Before the match, Cena and Daniel come out and address the crowd, telling everyone that tonight they’ll be facing Edge, a former champion, and Uso, a former champion. Now they’re former champions themselves, and it seems a shame that every week all these former champions have to come out here and work their asses off against one another when the CURRENT World Heavyweight Champion is too chicken shit to get in the ring. He hasn’t wrestle once all year, meanwhile Cena and Daniel have been tearing the house shows down and even Edge and Uso put on some great matches during the recent tour of Japan.
But where’s the Champion?
We don’t find out, because out come The Gilded, Edge and Uso, for this match to get underway. (77)
In a superb match, Daniel Bryan and John Cena worked beautifully as a team against The Gilded. Edge and Uso kept up the jibber jabber about Cena clattering Daniel last week, even going as far as to throw a chair to Cena during the match. Cena threw the chair down and tagged in Daniel Bryan, who clocked Uso with a running knee and snatched him up with the Yes! Lock for the submission win.
Jey Uso was the weak link, struggling to keep up with everyone else’s in-ring performance. (81)
After the match. Cena gets back on mic, “Christian Christian Christian… we beat your little Gilded buddies here. We’ve beat your boys in The Snake Agency, and come The Rumble I’m going to beat you for that World Heavyweight Title you’re keeping warm for me, because you sure as hell don’t deserve it.
Christian comes out to the entrance properly beside himself. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP right now! I’m SICK OF THIS! I’m sick of you people, all of you, coming out here every DAMN WEEK and talking on and on about how I don’t deserve this title. I am a multiple time World Champion across companies and countries! That’s something Daniel Bryan can at least match me on, but you John? You’re just Vince McMahon’s pet meathead. You sell t-shirts and you talk to sick kids and you think you can talk down to me? ME?! I beat Daniel Bryan, I beat Rob Van Dam, I beat Kofi Kingston and I’m going to beat YOU! I’m not afraid of anything John, I’m just smarter than you. But sometimes being smart isn’t what a situation calls for. Sometimes you have to throw it all out and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
You’re so sure you can beat me John? You’re SO CONVINCED I can’t measure up to you in the ring?
Well let’s find out…
Christian drops the mic and Joey Styles goes nuts, “The Champion is finally going to wrestle on Raw! Next Monday, it looks like it’s going to be a Rumble sneak preview! Christian vs John Cena! OH MY GAHD! (95)
OVERALL – 87
Increased popularity in 27 regions. Boop! Boop! Boop!