Royal Rumble 30 – The Rumble

“The following contest. IS THE ROYAL….. RUMBLLLLEEEE MATCH!!!!

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“In this match up there are 40 participants. Participants enter at 2 minute intervals, and the only way to be eliminated, is to exit the ring over the top rope, with both feet landing on the ground. The last man to be eliminated, will earn a World Championship opportunity, in the Main Event, of Wrestlemania 33!”

Introducing participant Number One…

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It’s Sami Zayn, representing Monday nights!

The underdog from the underground will be the biggest underdog in the match, entering at number one. Well. Equal biggest underdog… Because he has to face whoever number two could be…..

……

…..

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Of course it fucking is.

United States Champion and former Cruiserweight champion THE Brian Kendrick, who’s walking down to the ring with a mic.

“Sami, I feel bad for you man. Because you’ve had to start the rumble right at the beginning. With me. The United States Champion. THE future Wrestlemania number one contender to the WWE Championship, THE BRIAN…KENDRICK.

Kendrick stands on the turnbuckle to soak in some boo’s.

DING DING DING. The 30th ROYAL RUMBLE IS UNDERWAY

HELLUVAKICK.

Kendrick was still in the corner, Sami obviously didn’t appreciate how lightly Kendrick thought of him. The moment Kendrick got down, He gets whacked with a Helluva kick. But he’s rolled out of the ring. No elimination! Sami takes in the applause for a while before he heads out to collect Kendrick. He throws Kendrick back into the ring, who just about manages to get to his feet. He ducks a clothesline. grabs the head. SLICED BREAD! Sami is down. What a way to start. Kendrick is collecting his breath, and we get the countdown..

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Welcome to the ring, the former number one contender to the WWE Championship. Kofi Kingston!

Kofi arrives and hits the ring to find both men getting to their feet. No eliminations thus far. But Kofi looks to amend that, he goes to flip Kendrick over the top rope, but he contuners by hooking his leg on the rope. Kofi then tries to capitalise on Sami’s weak position, by he counters in the same manner.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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The Prince of Pretty is here. The CWC Cruiserweight Championship tournament semi finalist is making his rumble debut!

Well. He would do. But he spends the full two minutes take selfies on his way down to the ring. he finally gets to the ring, circles it with his phone, taking pictures of himself with prone enemies as Kendrick, Sami, and Kofi do a number on eachother.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Next up is not quite heel. Not quiet a superhero, Adrian Neville!

He runs down making a be-line for his fellow . The CWC Cruiserweight Championship tournament semi finalist, forcing Breeze to enter the ring under the bottom rope. Neville swiftly follows, and goes at Breeze. Throwing his selfie stick down the ramp, and ripping off his fluffy waistcoat. His attention is spent on Breeze for too long though, as in turns into TROUBLE IN PARADISE FROM KOFI! But then Kofi gets Blue Thunder Bombed By Sami and still. NO ELIMINATIONS.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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And all of a sudden. Shit has just got real.

At number 6. It’s Samoa Joe.

He makes his way down to the ring in a typically methodical manner. When he does arrive. He shows off his strength and athletisicm to the crowds awe, by throwing Breeze from one turnbuckle, nearly to another. Hitting Kendrick with an enziguri, and then locking in the coquina clutch on Sami Zayn. This angers the referee’s, announcers, and fans greatly. Joe picks up Sami as the next claxon starts going, but doesn’t quite throw him over before

3….2…..1….

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

IT’S FUCKING STING! STING HAS ARRIVED TO THE KERNOWVERSE ROYAL RUMBLE.

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Joe has completely forgot about Sami Zayn. He’s just dropped him, he turns his head to see Stinger on the ramp doing his signature battle cry. As the crowd are popping balls. The rest of the competitors in the ring are just coming around, and realise what the hell is going on. Sting gets into the ring. Ducks a clothesline from Joe, twists around. SCORPION DEATHDROP. JOE’S DOWN! Breeze goes for the Beauty Shot. SCORPION DEATH DROP. Breeze is down! Kendrick stands and double takes. Shit’s it. SCORPION DEATH DROP. Sting stands tall as the count down goes. Everyone that’s been deathdropped has rolled to moderate safety.

STILL NO ELIMINATIONS!!!

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

And as if the crowd couldn’t pop anymore. A very familiar face to Samoa Joe and Sting has arrived. The Bullet Clubs own. AJ STYLES.

Styles walks to the ring and stops. Sting welcomes him into the ring, and AJ enters with a smug smile. The crowd go mental as both guys stare each other down in the ring. AJ says that this is his house, and sting retorts something equally as witty. Both men start going to blows, with Sting starting on the upper foot.  Styles ducks a big right. PELE KICK. Sting goes groggy. Zayn appears and goes to kick styles in the face. AJ ducks and Zayn hits Sting! Stings bounced over the top rope. But is holding on the apron. Sami almost apologises to the legend, which is just long enough for AJ to flip him over the top rope! FIRST ELIMINATION.

AJ gets rid of Sami!

Sting watches the action unfold long enough for AJ to bounce of the ropes and drop kick Sting! 2 ELIMINATIONS FIR SJ. Who is currently being booed mercilessly for eliminating the two biggest faces in this match.  He soaks it up. Points st the bullet club logo. And we go to

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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BOOM!

OH MY EFFING LIFE IT’S KANE!

The Big Red Maniac stomps down the ramp, but stops when he comes face to face with Sting! The two iconic men stare at one another, and Sting nods to Kane before carrying on up and out into the back.

Kane hits the ring and AJ immediately takes a back seat. He clearly wants nothing to do with Kane, ever. Breeze and Samoa Joe both goes for the monster, but Breeze is easily swatted away. Joe is more difficult to deal with, but the madder Kane gets the stronger Kane gets and he hefts Joe up with both hands and slams him back to the mat! Kofi leaps off the top turnbuckle for a cross body, but Kane catches him with ease and throws him over the top rope , over the mat and crashing through the Russian announce table! Jesus Creezus Kofi is broken in half along with the table he went through!

Kane carries on his path of destruction, chokeslamming Tyler Breeze out of the ring and eliminating him. Neville hits a strong series of kicks to the monster, who doesn’t even flinch. He picks Neville up over his head and tosses him out of the ring like a sleeping bag full of muffins.

AJ is staying back by the turnbuckle, but he attracts Kane’s attention anyway and the man with the most career Rumble eliminations zeroes in on AJ, but here comes Joe! Together, Samoa Joe and AJ are able to battle Kane back to the ropes and they struggle to lift him over the top.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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The Lone Wolf Baron Corbin makes his way to the ring as Kane shoves free of AJ and Joe. Corbin gets right in there, showing no fear of Kane, and the two big men trade blows back and forth until AJ attacks Corbin and Joe gets the boot into Kane. The former TNA rivals separate the biggest threats in the match and isolate them, fighting to the corner and trying to wear the men down.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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It’s the Rated ECW Superstar, Edge! Coming in at Number 11, Edge is cautious making his way to the ring. That’s smart on the part of the ECW Champion. He knows he can take his time getting in that ring.

As he makes his entrance, Kane chops Samoa Joe in the throat and tosses his ass out of the ring, and he is ELIMINATED!

Corbin throws AJ over the top rope, but the Phenomenal One catches the second rope down and heaves himself back onto the apron to stay alive.

In the ring, Corbin and Kane go at each other and Corbin gets the upper hand, pushing Kane back but the big lad only goes through the middle ropes, and grabs Corbin’s arms to drag him out too.

The ring now free, Edge is feeling brave and grabs a mic and jumps, “This Rumble just became Rated ECW, and if which ever one of the idiots in the back who drew Number 12 can eliminate me before Number 13 comes out, then they will win the ECW Title! So bring them on!”

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Edge is clearly very unhappy. The Unhinged and Masochistic Goldust rushes the ring! The Bizarre One has made no secret of his desire, his NEED, for the ECW Title. He feels that regaining that belt will finally make him whole again and Wake Him Up from this nightmare. He’s fucking nuts, frankly.

Goldust whips his spikey coat off to reveal his body is strapped up with various weapons; kendo sticks, handcuffs, brass knuckles, a 2×4… all lashed to his costume with duct tape.

Edge freaks right out and tries to escape the ring, but AJ Styles hits him with the Phenomenal Forearm! Goldust is in the ring, and he pulls the 2×4 off his back and twats AJ over the dome with it, sparking him clean out.

He goes to work on Edge’s ribs, but the Rated ECW Superstar rolls away from the attack. Goldust throws the plank away and pulls the handcuffs off himself, clapping one around Edge’s wrist before he can move. It’s a mad scramble between the two as Goldust tries to lock in the second cuff and Edge struggles wildly to escape. Ultimately they end up cuffed together! Edge is handcuffed to that pain freak Goldust and he looks like he wants to chew off his own arm!

Goldust is beside himself because he can’t eliminate Edge, so he pulls the Kendo Stick off himself and just starts wailing on the ECW Champion.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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SHAME SHAME SHAME!

Here comes the the winner of the 2012 Royal Rumble, it’s Sheamus! This man has been tearing it up since his return to Smackdown this year and he is primed and fired up to make this Rumble his Second Chance.

Sheamus arrival also means the end of the ECW Title Match portion of this Rumble, a fact that Goldust does not respond well to. In the ring Edge has picked up the 2×4 and the two men are on the ground laying into each other, still handcuffed. AJ gets back in the ring to make a move, but so does Kane! AJ gets right back out the ring again! Edge hasn’t noticed Kane, but Goldust has!

The Bizarre One is fucking TERRIFIED of Kane! Since they fought at Hell in a Cell both Goldust and Kane have gone off the deep end, but that match has left in Goldust a pronounced fear of the Big Red Maniac. Goldust drops his weapons and throws himself out of the ring!

But Edge is hanging on! Edge, handcuffed by a that mad long chain they use, is still in the ring and he’s hanging on to Goldust, keeping his feet from touching the ground and keeping himself from getting pulled out the ring! But Kane is coming! Sheamus is on the outside, and Goldust is screaming at him “WAKE ME UP!”

Sheamus has no idea what to make of Goldust, hanging by the arm over the ropes. He starts battering Goldust in the guts as Edge tries to keep himself in the match but keep is eyes on Kane! Eventually it all becomes too much and Kane grabs Edge by the neck! GOOZLE!!

Sheamus hits Goldust with a big boot. He drops and the deadweight pulls Edge right out of Kane’s hand and over the top rope!

Edge and Goldust are eliminated!

Sheamus gets in the ring and teams up with Baron Corbin and AJ Styles to try and beat down Kane.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!

Daniel Bryan is here and crowd fucking love it! He rushes to the ring and we suddenly find ourselves watching a Daniel Bryan vs AJ Styles match!

The three big men smash each other over the head in the corner as AJ and Bryan tear the fucking house down with a straight up wrestling match in one half of the ring.

Running knee, Pele Kick, Enziguri, Shining Wizard! Bryan and AJ are putting on a show stopper which is then show stopped by Sheamus, who double clotheslines them both to the mat.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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It’s one of those damn Dudleyz! Bubba Ray gets right in Sheamus face and hits the shake rattle and roll jabs, grabs his crotch, does a dance, and gets a boot to the fucking glasses.

He goes down like a sack of dented bells, still roughed all the way up from his hellacious Ladder match earlier tonight. He looks like he might be sick, and Sheamus and Corbin start laying into him as Kane is battled back by former Tag Partner Daniel Bryan and Smackdown’s Phenomenal AJ Styles.

Corbin gives the gesture and he and Sheamus lift Bubba up to toss him out the ring.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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D’VON IS HERE!

He’s not fast, but he limps down and gets into the ring, saving his brother from elimination and kicking Corbin the balls. Bubba drops Sheamus and the Dudley Boyz grabs Baron Corbin by the neck and throw his ass out.

Baron Corbin is eliminated!

AJ tries to push out both Dudleyz, but they shrug him off. Big mistake!

Bubba and D’Von give AJ a few shots to the face, then feed him into the middle of the ring where Daniel Bryan hits the Running Knee, Sheamus scoops him up and plants him with the Irish Curse Backbreaker, Kane lifts him by the throat and throws him at the Dudleyz who hit the 3D on AJ!

Kane lifts Styles up and everyone in the ring crowd surf him over the top rope and AJ is eliminated!

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Former Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio in the house!!

He’s been busy dealing with Primo and Epico, with his Lucha pals over the last few weeks, but what he wouldn’t give to headline Wrestlemania one more time. He gets in the ring and lays kicks into Kane. A man he has a storied history with. He and Bryan team up to take down the big man, with double drop-kicks to the knees. The small men fell the big man. But can’t get him up over the top rope. Sheamus breaks away from the Dudleys, and breaks up the little man team, as we got to countdown

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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What…In…The…World…

It’s SHARKBOY!

Only…Only.. In the Rumble.

The Dudleys laugh as Sharkboy makes his way to the ring. As he arrives in the ring, Bubba lifts him up to set up the 3D. But he squirms out of it. He ducks under D-Von. STUNNER! He stunners Rey Mysterio! TO a hugely comical pop! he soaks in the adoration of the crowd. Before he turns into Kane. Who swiftly chokeslams him out of the ring.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Lucha Lucha Lucha Lucha!

Next up It’s Kalisto. Who gets down to the ring just in time to save Rey get eliminated by the Dudley’s. Swift, quick kicks do the job. And when Rey gets to his feet. He, Rey, and Bryan knock Sheamus over the top rope. Who holds on. Kane runs at the three smaller men, who all duck. Kane clatters into Sheamus, and that’s the end of the Irishmans night.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Of course it is.

All three of WWE’s Luchadores reunite in the ring. Bryan has been 3D’d by the Dudleys and proceeds to hold on for dear life. the Luchadores knock down the big man Kane. Sin Cara and Kalisto signal for Rey Mysterio to go to the top rope for some Frog Splash action. Rey duly obliges. BUT HE’S DOUBLE DROP KICKED OFF THE TURNBUCKLE BY THE LUCHA DRAGONS! Rey Mysterio has been stabbed in the back here! Huge boo’s ring out around the arena, as Rey makes his way back up the ramp in disbelief.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

European Champion, and Gilded member Jay Lethal is up next, and it turns out the gilded aren’t the most popular faction around at the moment.

He gets into the ring and out of nowhere gets blasted in the side of the head by Danial Bryan. A man who’s had issues with The Gilded. Kane is fighting with D’von. Bubba comes to his aid but gets chopped by Kane. Like absolutely nothing, D’von is hoisted onto Kane’s shoulders and launched out of the ring like he was nothing. The Lucha Dragons have now turned on Bryan since their apparent heel turn. Bubba comes to get some payback on Kane, but he backdropped out to meet his brother. That’s both Dudleys eliminated.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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AND HERE COMES…. THE PAIN.

Even Kane stops what he’s doing as Lesnar’s music hits. The Beast walks to the ring with intensity and purpose. Kane, Chokeslams Kalisto as Lesnar gets into the ring, never taking his eye off the big man. Lesnar responds. By picking up Sin Cara and giving him a wicked F5. Both men then pick up their Lucha foes and dump them out of the ring simultaneously. The Lucha Dragons are history. Bryan, Lesnar, Kane, and Jay lethal have the corners of the ring. Brock hoists up each of the smaller men for German Suplex’s. With Kane then eating a takedown.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Carlito should realise that this is probably not the right time to come to the ring with his apple. 3 men have been laid waste to, And lesnars watching the Puerto Rican head down to the ring. He gets in. Squares up to Brock. Has a strong think about what he’s about to do. Goes to take a bite of his apple……

Lesnar NAILS him in the face with a closed fist. Carlito falls to the ground. clutching his face, chewed apple everywhere. He gets German’d hard. F5 twiced. And deposited out of the ring. Lesnar throws the rest of the apple at Carlito, and then we get the countdown…

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Things Just get a bit more serious. Big E comes down, and unlike his peers. Heads straight for the beast incarnate. He gets him off his feet and the crowd pop. Lesnar’s back up, and both men battle back and forth. Kane meanwhile goes to chokeslam Bryan, who’s unwittingly saved by Lethal, as the European champion jumps onto Kane’s back and puts the big man in a sleeper. Bryan shoves Kane against the ropes, who swats Jay lethal off as he rebounds. Lethal falls outside the ring but only onto one foot. He literally hops back onto the ring apron, and crawls back in.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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It’s one half of Ko-Mo. And one of the men Lesnar’s pissed with right now. John Morrison!

Lesnar is infatuated and is ready to pounce. He takes his eye of Big E. BIG ENDING! BIG E HITS THE BEAST WITH THE BIG ENDING. Morrison rushes into the ring, as Lesnar has risen miraculously back to his groggy feet. MOONLIGHT DRIVE. TO THE BEAST INCARNATE! Lesnar is absolutely reeling here.

Big E hoists up Brock and gets him over the top rope. But Brock’s fighting back with big punches. He sets Big E back a few steps, and it’s Daniel Bryan who takes advantage again!. He attempts to fling Big E out of the ring. But the Big man uses Lesnar as a rebound. He’s safe….

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Former European champion. The heavyweight house of pain Stixx hits the ring.

Stixx sets his eyes on Morrison…. And quickly lays him out. he then locks eyes with Bryan, who eats a spear for his troubles. He then tries his luck on the big red demon. who catches him by the throat. Chokeslam out of the ring!

Good bye Stixx.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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And just as Lesnar has finally got his hands on Morrison. KO makes his way around the corner. Lesnar is hitting Morrison with huge shoulder tackles in the corner. Wrenching into his chest. Owens gets a wriggle on, but Lesnar has knocked all the life out of Morrison. he waits until the exact moment that Owens gets to the apron. Before dumping the carcass of John Morrison out of the ring. KO-MO won’t get to team in this match :(. KO’s jaw drops and Lesnar smiles smuggly. Owens climbs into the ring, before getting kicked in the chops by Kane.

Lesnar goes to Owens, but gets distracted by Big E, as the big man won’t leave him be. Owens is getting to his feet. Kane is wailing on Bryan. and Lethal is having a breather…..

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Tyson Kidd heads to the ring to take the total number of participants to 6. He dives under a flailing Kane, and gets to lethal. CODE BLUE. Beautiful move!

Lesnar and Owens have finally come to blows. Both trading punches like for like. They’ve parted the ring in two, as the other competitors just let them go at it. Lesnar teases a German. But Owens ducks out of the way. LOW BLOW. OWENS COCKSHOTS LESNAR. He did that two weeks ago on Smackdown! He grabs him by the scruff of the neck.

OWENS ELIMINATES LESNAR!

To one of the biggest pops of the night!

Owens and Lesnar are both in disbelief. Lesnar jumps back into the ring, to Owens’ dismay. F5! Owens is laid out. The referees can’t do anything about it. He picks up Owens again.. It’s a second F5. He leaves him in the ring, and leaves the arena…

 

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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ONE OF A KIND!

Kane’s tag partner in madness is here at Number 29! This would be an enviable position to be in if this was a regular 30 man Rumble, but it’s chuffing not! Even so RVD is not entering this match alone! He gets in the ring and joins Kane. They go high and low on Kevin Owens. RVD sweeps the leg and Kane hits a thunderous clothesline! RVD comes off the ropes and lands on Owens, ROLLING THUNDER! And Kane lifts KO up and over the ropes!

Owens is gone!

Jay Lethal kicks RVD in the stomach and goes for the Lethal Combination, but on the backspring RVD catches him with a backstabber and Kane throws the European Champion out by his hair!

Jay Lethal is eliminated!

That makes 13 eliminations for Kane! That’s the record! Kane has recaptured the record!

Kane and RVD look unstoppable here! This could be the most dangerous team on Raw, perhaps even in the entire WWE! Who the HELL is going to challenge Kane and RVD when they’re working together like this?

10, 9, 8…

Entry number 30 on the way. This WOULD be the final entrant in any other rumble. Who’s it gonna be?

7, 6, 5…

They turn their attentions to Daniel Bryan…

4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

The buzzer doesn’t sound. .

Nothing happens.

Then…

GONG

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… shit.

It’s The Undertaker!

Taker is coming for Kane and RVD! He gets in the ring and the duo go straight for him, but Taker battles back and drops RVD, then trades hands with Kane back and forth. Rob gets back in it, hitting Taker with a few swift kicks from those educated feet, taking the Deadman to one knee. Kane grabs him by the throat, but Taker has the same idea and they end up in a test of strength!

Kane gets the better of it, flipping Taker’s arm over and readying him for the Chokeslam, but Taker grabs Kane’s head and drops him with a planting DDT! He  picks up Kane like he was nothing, tells his brother to Rest in Peace, and clotheslines him over the top!

KANE IS ELIMINATED!

Van Dam comes off the turnbuckle and dropkicks Taker, who goes over the ropes!

Taker is eliminated! RVD just eliminated Taker!

Elsewhere Tyson Kidd and Daniel Bryan are trying to lift Big E over the top and failing miserably.

The Undertaker is absolutely fucking furious! RVD does his thumbs with an angry snark on his face, and Taker grabs his feet and drags him out of the ring. The Phenom paintbrushes RVD with hard chops, punches, boots, everything. He is just beating his ass on the outside. Kane joins in the fight, and the three disappear off into the crowd.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Luke Gallows!

It’s Gallows of the Bullet Club in at Number 31.

Gallows gets in and goes right for Big E, dropping Big E with a throat chop.

Outside on the apron Undertaker, Kane and RVD have fought through the crowd, with Taker kicking the fuck out of Rob, slamming him into a pile of loose wires and cables and shit. Kane batters Taker in the kidneys, but the Deadman is on a mission tonight. He grabs at Kane’s mask! Kane recoils, protecting his face, but it was all a ploy! With his guard down Kane is open! Taker grabs him up, spins him upside and PLANTS HIM with a Tombstone! Tombstone Piledriver on Kane!

Gallows and Big E knock lumps out of each other.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Gallows’ Bullet Club partner Machine Gun Karl Anderson, rushes down and gets into it, the Bullet Club getting the upper hand on Big E first, knocking him down, then on Kane, dropping the big red monster. Tyson Kidd is next, and since he’s the only one they can lift the poor sod suffers the consequences of being a small man in Vince McMahon’s Muscle Mansion…

MAGIC KILLER!!!

Tyson Kidd is fucked right up, but before they can toss him over Big E reasserts and everyone gets into a big ass fight.

We cut back to Undertaker, who drags Rob Van Dam up onto the entrance ramp. Rob fights back, but he’s been beaten down and looks a mess. Taker grabs him by the throat…

OH MY GOD!! The Undertaker just Chokeslammed Rob Van Dam right to holy shit hot hell!!

He’s dead down there, for absolutely sure.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Big E’s associate in The Snake Agency is here, evening up the score in the ring as they face off with The Bullet Club.

On the ramp, Taker isn’t finished! He throws Rob over his shoulders, carries him back to the ring and throws him over the top rope rope back into the ring!

Rob rolls into the centre of the ring and Rusev and Big E back away from him. They’re not stupid it seems, and they don’t want to raise the anger of Kane back on Raw tomorrow night. They hold up their hands and gesture to Gallows and Anderson to do what they want.

The Bullet Club know a gift when they see one, and Gallows and Anderson pick up RVD, give Taker a nod of respect, then MAGIC KILLER!!

MAGIC KILLER TO VAN DAM and The Bullet Club eliminate RVD!

While we were watching that, Big E grabbed Tyson in a back bear hug and Rusev kicks in the face

Big E and Rusev suddenly get dropped by Daniel Bryan flying through the air and kicking their heads off! Daniel has had some serious issues with The Snake Agency, who have dogged him and John Cena for months on Monday Night Raw. Bryan showing no fear of either of these guys, whipping Big E into one corner, Rusev into the other, and running back and forth with a knee to the face train!

ooooooo YEAH!

ooooooo YEAH!

Big E staggers out of the corner and Bryan hits a high drop kick and out goes the Big Lad!

He runs back across the ring and oooooo NO!

Bryan gets folded in half by a Gallows big boot.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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The Big Dog from Smackdown!

Rusev and Bryan kick the piss out of each other as The Club await Roman Reigns in the ring.

The Bulgarian Brute runs at Bryan, but he drops the lowbridge and Rusev is eliminated!

He is less than happy, getting back in the ring and throwing Bryan through the middle ropes. Rusev and Daniel brawl on the outside as Roman Reigns takes on The Bullet Club!

The numbers game takes it’s toll on Roman, but he keeps fighting back, finally dropping Gallows with a Superman Punch!

He tries for another on Anderson, but is drop kicked out of the air!

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

Here comes Number 35…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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That’s Austin Aries! The Greatest Man Alive from NXT is here at the Rumble!

Aries leaps into the ring, hitting a 450 Splash on the fallen Roman Reigns. He’s straight back up as Anderson goes for him, but Aries Leaps over the corner, swings around the turnbuckle and dives back into the ring, performing a forward roll to the opposite corner. Anderson can barely keep up, which is how Aries hits him with a leaping back elbow!

The crowd are well into Austin Aries, chanting his name and everything. Until Gallows clubs him in the back.

Meanwhile Roman is back up, kicking down at Anderson in the corner. He whips Karl into the ropes, but he grabs them to stop the momentum. Gallows helps his partner unhook but Roman charges them. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!

The Bullet Club are ELIMINATED!!

Roman stands tall in the ring, grinning at the Club and shrugging. Soz lads.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Holy Effing Christ It’s Dean bloody Ambrose, formerly of The SHIELD and formerly one of Roman Reign’s closest allies, now inducted and brainwashed into the Nu Wyatt Family!

Ambrose gets into the ring, but something is different in his demeanour. He’s got a swagger and a smirk on his face. He greets Roman and then turns his attention to Aries, as if he and Reigns are gonna team up. Roman doesn’t know what’s going on. He’s wary, but Ambrose encourages him to join him. He can see Roman isn’t convinced, but he’s got an idea.

Ambrose rolls out of the ring, reaches under the apron and comes back inside with…

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MITCH!

Ambrose has got Mitch the plant! Could it be… is he free of Bray Wyatt’s mind control?

Ambrose raises Mitch over his head and yells for Roman to grab Aries. He does, and Ambrose smashes the plant over Roman’s head!

It was a damn dirty trick! Ambrose smirks his head off and kicks bits of pot at Roman, who is flat out on the floor.

Then Ambrose picks up Roman, props him up on the ropes and says, “We’re here.” before eliminating Reigns.

Then the lights go out.

The screen flickers on and shows the message…

27 StR 10

The 27 ticks up and up until it comes to a stop

37 StR 10

Then the 10 starts to tick down…

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

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BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!!!

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Chris Jericho! We’ve seen these messages for weeks on Raw, and now we know what they mean! Chris Jericho is back in the WWE!

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“Welcome to… The Rumble… is… JERICHO!”

The crowd go both banana and nut.

“Y2J is here to StR… Save the Rumble! So you idiots just sit back and enjoy… the Gift of Jericho!”

Apparently the Gift of Jericho doesn’t include him getting in the ring, because instead he stands with his arms out enjoying the reaction of the crowd.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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I BU SHI!

I BU SHI!

Here he comes, some say the brightest star of Smackdown’s CWC Show, Kota Ibushi!

Aries and Ibushi get Cruiserweighty all over the place, flipping about and reversing each other’s holds and avoiding moves like a couple of fast paced pros! Not since Bryan and AJ earlier in the match have we seen this kind of catch as catch can wrestling in the Rumble. These two are bound to cross paths on CWC now that Aries has been called up to the main roster, and this here is just a taste.

Outside the ring, Rusev whips Bryan hard into the announce table and gives him the Samoan Spike thumb to the throat before referees can drag him away.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

Here we go, number 39! Who is it?

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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It’s the Smackdown MVP and 2016’s Superstar of the Year… CESARO!

Wasting little time, Cesaro grabs Jericho from the outside and throws him into the ring. He wants all competition in the right place so he can end this thing and finally get the WWE Title shot he feels he’s been denied.

Cesaro gets into it with Jericho, Dean Ambrose fights in the corner with Daniel Bryan and Aries and Ibushi battle back and forth in the middle of the ring.

Well fuck. Big E! Big E batters Aries, he batters Bryan, he batters Ibushi, he batters Ambrose and he batters… nope. Not Cesaro.

Cesaro ducks the battering and the two stand face to face. Big E and Cesaro! This is explosive King!

Cesaro rocks Big E with a european uppercut, and Big E cracks Cesaro with multiple punches to midsection. The Swiss Superman goes for a suplex, but Big E counters and drops him with a knee lift. And another. And another!

But he’s not out! Cesaro rallies up and flattens Big E with a discuss European Uppercut! Welcome to the EU fuck face!

Big E is teeting and Cesaro tries to lift over the ropes by the legs, which obviously isn’t how this game is played. Big E grabs Cesaro’s legs and they engage in a gravity fed tug of war.

Until Daniel Bryan hits a HUGE drop kick from the opposite turnbuckle! He goes coast to coast, sending Cesaro and Big E over the top rope… but only Big E’s feet touch the ground because Cesaro is hanging on!

Big E is eliminated and the referees form a barrier between him and the ring to stop him retaliating like Rusev did. Cesaro skins the cat and lifts himself back into the ring!

10, 9, 8, 7, 6

The final entrant into the 30th Royal Rumble…

5, 4, 3, 2, 1,,,…

The last man in and here… we… go….

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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AINT NO STOPPING ME NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWW!!!!

Shelton Benjamin look PISSED OFF as he pelts it the ring, right past old adversary Big E and straight into the fray. He knocks Ambrose on his arse and the two start fist fighting. Meanwhile Chris Jericho is locked in a death grip on the ropes as Ibushi and Bryan try to hoof him over, and Austin Aries goes back and forth with Cesaro.

One of these men is going to win the Royal Rumble, and go on to headline Wrestlemania!

Shelton feeds Ambrose into Bryan, who hits him with a running knee, sending him back to Shelton who drops the Wyatt mad bastard with Paydirt!

That’s all very well, but you’ve got to get him over the top rope!

Cesaro picks up Ambrose, and it looks like we’re in for a Cesaro Swing!

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Round and round Ambrose goes, until Ibusi hits a drop kick on the spinning Wyatt man from the top turnbuckle, and Jericho lands perfectly with the Lionsault!

Aries hits Jericho from behind to break up the party, but Ibushi scouts him and hits a dropsault kick to send him over the ropes and out!

Austin Aries is eliminated and we’re down to just five men in this match!

Until Jericho grabs Ibushi and tosses him out. Goodbye Kota and goodbye CWC.

So here we are with the final four! Chris Jericho, Daniel Bryan from Raw and Dean Ambrose and Cesaro from Smackdown!

The four men stand along brand battle lines, Raw v Smackdown, staring each other out, until Cesaro makes the first move on Jericho!

Daniel Bryan leaps and dropkicks Dean Ambrose through the middle ropes

 

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TOPES SUICIDA!! MAMA MIA!!

Back in the ring Cesaro is controlling the action against Chris Jericho, twisting his arm this way and that and refusing to allow the former Undisputed World Champion an inch of ground.

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Outside the ring Ambrose fights Bryan with savage fury, throwing power moves at him akin to his new mentor Bray Wyatt. Ambrose hooks the arms and BAM! DIRTY DEEDS on the outside to Daniel Bryan!

Jericho kips up, thanks to DDP Yoga, escaping the hold and grabbing Cesaro by the back of the head and running him to the ropes.

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Over he goes!

But he lands on Daniel Bryan and Dean Ambrose! His feet never touch the ground as the two toss him over their shoulders, Cesaro winds up straddling the barrier! Cesaro is still alive in this match!

Bryan and Ambrose get back in the ring and Cesaro stands on the barrier, weighing up his options.

WWKD.

What Would Kofi Do?

Cesaro bounds forward and lands on the apron! Jericho swings for him but he ducks it, low bridging the ropes and back bodydropping Jericho out to the floor!

Chris Jericho is Eliminated!

Ambrose faces Bryan and Cesaro, and there are no brand loyalties to be had here anymore. The two faces grab Ambrose by the hair and over he goes!

We’re down to two men!

Cesaro!

Daniel Bryan!

One from Raw and one from Smackdown! And only ONE can walk out of Wrigley Field with a guaranteed title match at the Main Event of Wrestlemania!

The crowd are fucking losing their idiot minds! It’s Cesaro vs Daniel Bryan in the centre of the ring! We haven’t seen this for years!

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Boom European Uppercut!

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Bam kick in the tits!

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Crunch modified wristlock!

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Kaballmo German Suplex!

This is indeed a fucking SLOBBERKNOCKER!

Two of the best in this industry going toe to toe, giving it all of their energy, for a chance at the richest prize on offer!

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Bryan’s got him!

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Cesaro reversal!

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Bryan REVERSAL!

Yes Lock! Yes Lock! But it doesn’t even matter if Cesaro taps! That does nothing in this match!

Bryan releases the hold and sits back. Both men look utterly exhausted by what they’ve had to endure here tonight.

Slowly they get to their feet.

Both men know this is it.

The crowd seem to sense it too.

The atmosphere is electric.

They’re gonna do this the old fashioned way.

Collar and Elbow tie up in the middle of the ring.

Cesaro gets Bryan in a headlock

Bryan escapes with a chop block.

Cesaro is up.

Kick to Cesaro!

Uppercut to Bryan!

Kick to Cesaro!

Uppercut to Bryan!

There’s no YEAH BOO horseshit here! It’s all YEAH!

YEAH

YEAH

YEAH!

Back and forth they trade blows, neither giving in even a centimetre of ground until…

SUPERKICK!

DANIEL BRYAN SUPERKICKS CESARO!

SHADES OF HBK SHAWN MICHAELS and Cesaro rocks back, folds over the top rope…

AND HE’S GONE!!

DANIEL BRYAN HAS DONE IT!

DANIEL BRYAN HAS WON THE ROYAL RUMBLE!

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YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!

EVERYONE IS ON THEIR FEET AS DANIEL BRYAN  FALLS TO HIS KNEES!!

HE’S DONE IT!

Here is your winner…

Daniel… Bryan!

He points at the sign for WRESTLEMANIA 33, which goes off like a Taliban Birthday Cake with pryo and sparks for days!

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And here he is! The new World Heavyweight Champion and Daniel Bryan’s ally on Raw! Tonight they share victory over the odds, as Cena salutes to Bryan from the ramp!

Daniel beckons Cena to come down to the ring and join him, and the crowd bloody love it.

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!

Cena slides in and the two men embrace. They’ve done it King! They’ve overcome adversity and a stacked deck on Raw, taking on The Gilded and their politics and numbers advantage and now the two men stand victorious in the ring together!

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What the hell?! Wait a minute!

John Cena just attacked Daniel Bryan!

The crowd are booing the place down as Cena lays into Daniel Bryan.

What the absolute fuck is going on?!

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FU!

FU to Daniel Bryan by his “friend” John Cena!

Cena picks up the World Heavyweight Title Belt, tells a battered Daniel Bryan that he can’t see him, and walks off out of the arena to a chorus of boos so loud it gives you tinnitus for a full day.

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What the hell did we just witness?!

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