Ladies and Gentlemen, WWE Raw is coming soon, but first it’s the always exciting Pre-Show!
First up it’s the newest member of the Raw roster, fresh from his competition in the CWC Tournament, Consequences Creed!
In his first match for the red brand, and his opponent will be…
In a pre-show bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, Samoa Joe defeated Xavier Woods in 8:35 by pinfall.
In a pre-show bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, Ashley Flair defeated Mickie James in 9:21 by pinfall after using a foreign object.
BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!
Welcome one and all to Monday Night Raw!!
Joey Styles, Booker T and Mick Foley have to get through their introductions sharpish because halfway through they get interrupted by music.
YES YES YES!
It’s Daniel Bryan! We haven’t seen Daniel since he was betrayed at attacked by his so called friend John Cena just moments after winning the Royal Rumble two weeks ago.
Daniel gets on mic, and you can tell he’s struggling with what to say, “John Cena.”
“John Cena… last week you stood in this spot and in ten minutes changed the entire landscape of Raw. With one move you ousted Christian, you dismantled The Gilded, just like we talked about. Just like we planned. Just like we’ve been discussing since Survivor Series. But then you went off script and instead of running The Gilded off you put yourself in the empty throne and renamed the golden empire as the Cenation. I’d say I was surprised, but last week I still hadn’t gotten over the surprise you had in store for me at the end of The Rumble.
I wasn’t here last week, and I want everyone to know it’s not because I was injured. It’s not because I’m afraid of you John. It’s because I was so disappointed. Disappointed in you John because despite what you might think, these people look up to you. They chanted YES when you won the World Heavyweight Title because they were happy. Happy for you, happy to see Christian taken down. The Yes Chant doesn’t belong to me, anymore than the What chant belongs to Stone Cold. It’s a mark of respect for who ever’s in the ring and that was the crowd showing you respect.”
These people look up to you John and so did I. You’re the prototype superstar. You’re the face of the WWE, but you turned your face away. Turned your heels and put your back to these people and you raised your fists to me. But here’s something… something that may have escaped everyone’s attention, but not mine. See John I know that don’t just do things on impulse. You’re a smart guy, so you must have been planning to attack me some time ago. You must have decided to take whatever “revenge” on me you felt necessary weeks, maybe even months, before you pulled the trigger. But here’s my observation… if you wanted to really screw me over John you would’ve come at me during the Rumble. Take me out of the match, take me off the Road to Wrestlemania… but you didn’t do that did you?
You waited until after the match, you waited until outlasted everyone else and you waited until my hand was raised as the Winner of the 30th Royal Rumble before you made your feelings known and I don’t think it’s because you hate me. Or because you’re jealous. I think you did what you did when you did because… you want to FIGHT ME!”
The crowd chuffing love it.
“You want to FIGHT ME John! You want me on that Road to Wrestlemania and you want me in that Wrestlemania Main Event against you for the World Heavyweight Title because you know as good as you would be with anyone on Raw, that you can bring the house down with Daniel Bryan!”
It’s the former World Heavyweight Champion and former leader of The Gilded, Christian’s here!
“Did you forget about someone Daniel?
Did you forget about me? Because while you’re out here talking about taking on John Cena at Wrestlemania, about fighting John Cena at Wrestlemania, about competing in the Main Event of Wrestlemania for the World Heavyweight Title what you’re failing to recall… is me!
John Cena may be the Champion right now, but he still owes me a one on one rematch! Since he kicked me out of the group that I FOUNDED it seems like the whole world has forgotten about me but let me tell you something Daniel… I don’t forget. I remember everything and I always come out on top in the end so before you get to have your little moment at Wrestlemania 33, John Cena needs to go through me first! And I’m invoking my rematch clause in two weeks at Lockdown! And I know he has the Cenation or whatever the hell they’re called now by his side, and I have not forgotten about those snakes let me assure you, and I know he CLAIMS that there’ll be no interference and that they all have to stand on their own two feet but I know that people. I know them better than anyone and they may not be able to help themselves, so to make sure no one can rob me of what’s rightfully mine, at Lockdown I challenge John Cena for my title rematch… Hell… in… a… CELL!!!
Now remember THAT!”
Daniel mulls it over and gives Christian a round of applause, “Lot of fire in your today huh tough guy? Where’s this Christian been for the past six months? Where’s this fire been aye? I tell you what, you want me to wait till John gets through you, how about John waits till you get through me TONIGHT!?”
“Oh I’ve been waiting to say this I took the belt off you last year… Daniel Bryan… YOU’RE ON!!”
Well it looks like we’ve got our main event here tonight, which suggests we went on air with no final match booked, but never mind that now because tonight we’re gonna see Christian take on Daniel Bryan. Plus hopefully we’ll get an answer from John Cena about Christian’s challenge for the first Raw exclusive PPV of 2017, WWE Lockdown.
Well earlier this week our newest tag team alliance, Big Day, were out to promote anti-bullying karate initiative “Choppy Choppy Your Bullies”
Big Day are in the ring talking about this worthy cause when they’re interrupted by The Briscoes, who jabber and jump around like hillbilly apes, making a mockery of the charity and Kofi and Big Show themselves.
Kofi isn’t happy, and he gets the bell run and this match is suddenly happening!
In a bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, Big Day defeated The Briscoes in 9:53 when The Big Show defeated Mark Briscoe by pinfall with The World’s Tallest PowerBomb! (which is a new finisher I’m toying with.)
After the match, Big Show chops Jay Briscoe and tells the kids at home to Choppy Choppy Your Bullies!
A video plays hyping Jay Lethal and his “takeover” of WWE Power Hour. The European Champion declared Power Hour his show and put every superstar in the division in a kind of adhoc tournament to decide who will face him for the title. Damien Sandow defeated Mr Kennedy and Carlito beat The Miz, to move forward and face one another tonight on Raw.
Here they are then, the two men who fought to get to Raw, to get one step closer to facing Jay Lethal for the European title…
Oh, here he comes. Just like last night at Power Hour, Jay Lethal is here to join Styles, Booker and Foley on commentary for this match.
Throughout, Lethal points out the impressive moves of each guy. He’s scouting here by the sounds of it, putting over both Carlito and Damien for their in ring skill. Seems like he’s trying to decide who he’ll enjoy wrestling most.
In a bout that had good wrestling and a decent reaction from the crowd, Damien Sandow defeated Carlito in 12:51 after punching Carlito’s apple into his face when the ref wasn’t looking, then planted him with the Prophecy (Reverse Death Valley Driver) for the pin.
Sandow points at Lethal again, making it clear he’s coming for the European title. Jay gets up and tells Damien that beating Carlito doesn’t mean he gets a title shot. There’s still plenty more work to be done yet before Lethal puts up his belt at Lockdown, and he’ll see him at Power Hour next week.
Backstage, Paul Heyman is in his office when he’s eclipsed by a shadow. He looks up and sees amazing Kong standing before him blocking out the light. Kong tells Paul that she’s beat Bayley. Twice. She beat Paige. She beat Becky Lynch. She wants… competition. She’s the Alpha Female, Amazing Kong, and she demands competition. Paul says he understands and he’ll make arrangements. She can have some competition tonight on Raw. He’ll sort it. Jesus, just leave me alone. Kong seems satisfied for now and stalks off.
Next up, continuing their rivalry from the Royal Rumble, one half of the Universal Tag Team Champions reDragon takes on one half of the most decorated team in wrestling history, The Dudleyz! It’s Kyle O’Reilly v D’Von Dudley
In a bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, D-Von Dudley defeated Kyle O’Reilly in 9:40 by pinfall after a distraction from Bubba Ray Dudley.
(poor chemistry note for reDragon, even though as a team they’re A* experience)
The announcers put over the fact that Paul Heyman has booked a match for Lockdown for the Universal Tag Team Titles; reDragon v The Dudleyz. 2 on 2 for the first time in WWE!
Amazing Kong , who is also Awesome, waits in the ring for her “competition” as promised by Raw GM Paul Heyman.
It’s Alicia Fox from NXT! Kong doesn’t seem to impressed, suggesting she could pick her teeth with Alicia Fox.
It’s Adrienne Reese, also from NXT. Looks like Kong’s getting two for one here tonight!
In a match with decent wrestling but not much heat, Amazing Kong SQUASHED Alicia Fox and Adrienne Reese in 4 minutes after taking Fox’s head off with a boot and murdering Reese with a sitout powerbomb.
Amazing Kong carried the match in terms of in-ring performance. Adrienne Reese was the weak link, struggling to keep up with everyone else’s in-ring performance. After the match Kong threw Fox and Reese over the top rope and demanded more competition!
Paige, Rusev and Big E, clients in The Snake Agency, are backstage, discussing how it’s time for Bayley to go. She lost to Kong at the Rumble but she’s got her sights set on climbing back up the ladder, and Paige can’t have that. Big E suggests just snatching her ass up when she arrives and… putting her on the shelf. Paige gets the point, and they agree on the plan. Never mind the cameras. They don’t see them, we don’t acknowledge it. It’s fine.
Sami Zayn walks past, getting the shitty eye from Big E, but before anything can kick off he’s jumped by Rusev! Rusev beats the fuck out of Sami, who fights back as best he can from a position of surprise, but Big E drops him with a right hook and Rusev super kicks him through a door into a cupboard. The Snake Agency laugh their heads off and walk away, but here comes the boss!
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Heyman is livid. He calls for EMT’s to come and check on Sami and carries on laying into the trio, until their manager Jake Roberts rocks up and calmly asks Paul what all the fuss is about. Paul starts ranting, but Jake tells him to simmer down. It’s all cool. No need to get heated brother. Trust me. He says he’ll talk to his clients. Don’t worry about. Then he reminds Paul that as a manager, all discussing between his clients and the WWE must go through him. Follow the proper channels Paul. It’s call Chain of Command.
Heyman is livid, but Jake takes his clients and leaves anyway. (100 for that! Rock on Jake Roberts)
Bayley is walking backstage when Big E comes out of hiding and attacks, grabbing her in a bear hug as Paige lays into her with rights and lefts. Looks like Bayley is all but fucked, until the Heavyweight House of Pain steams in clocks Big E in the back of the fucking head!
The Big Lad wades in and the two start battling, while a now free Bayley goes for Paige. Big E ducks Stixx, grabs Paige around the waste and the two smoke out, heading for the hills. Bayley thanks Stixx for his help and he says “no bother my duck.” even though he’s not actually from Nottingham.
Watching the whole thing unfold from their dressing room is John Cena and Bad News Barrett. The two champions discuss the power of both Big E and Stixx, with Cena suggesting he’s been impressed with both. But most impressive to John is Bad News himself. Cena tells News that he’s held the IC title for a long time now, and he’s definitely made an impact with the belt, but John feels that Barrett isn’t challenging himself. “When I first came in I went straight for the top guy. For me it was Kurt Angle, and when you came in you did the exact same thing and for you that guy… was me. And you beat the hell out of me, and you’ve done well since then but if you wanna stay sharp you need to keep grinding. You beat athletic guys like Sami Zayn and Shelton Benjamin, but how are you against pure power? Pure strength? Can you fight a speeding train and win?”
Barrett thinks he can, and intends to prove it to Cena, who smiles and tells him to go get some. “Hit the ring champ. I’ll send the train your way.”
Out at the ring, Bad News Barrett cuts a short promo about how he’s faced agility and won, but now Cena has challenged him to take on power. So let’s get this going. Because who ever comes down here is going to meet the bearer of Bad News.”
In a decent match, Bad News Barrett took on Stixx in a hard fought smash mouth brawl. Stixx threw strong wrestling power moves at Barrett, hitting him with nasty suplexes, slams and drops. Barrett looked to be outmatched by Stixx raw strength, but he ducked lariat and dropped Stixx with the Wasteland for the pin.
After the match, John Cena came out and gave Barrett a round of applause and walked him to the back.
Then suddenly we’re looking at Kane.
The Devil’s Favourite Demon is somewhere. Somewhere glowing orange.
His voice is all electronic and weird like it used to be in the 90s.
“Undertaker… you’re wrong.
You see me carve a path of destruction across Raw, across the WWE, and you think that I’m mad.
You think it’s insane to cause the destruction I have. You look at Rob Van Dam, and you think he made me worse.
I made him better.
But you destroyed him, brother. And now I have to make you better. At Lockdown, I will make you better.”
Jesus H. Fuck, he is terrifying.
The Rated ECW Superstar comes to the ring and gets on Mic, “So it looks like I’m out of the Gilded. Took a while to get rid me but here we are, on my own again. I think it’s probably about time I got back to doing what I do best. You see they used to call me The Ultimate Opportunist, because where I saw cracks in the armour, where I detected weakness, where I spotted an opening I hit it, I exploited it and I took it!
But that was then, OK? Things change. I’ve changed. I retired! Remember that? Broken neck, the whole thing. But I got a second chance at this business and now I’m the ECW Champion! But I’m not the first ECW Champion to break their neck. Far from it, and so… since anything Matt Hardy can do I can do better and for twice as long (Hi Lita), The Ultimate Opportunist is out here to give someone the Ultimate Opportunity!
ECW Title… right now! The only criteria is ECW Credentials. Sorry Goldust, but if you fought in the Hammerstein Ballroom, then two step right up!
Shitting crikey, it’s Axl Rotten! Axl Rotten is an ECW Original, along with his tag team partner Balls Mahoney, one of the most dangerous men in that company! Joey Styles knows all about Axl Rotten, The Hardcore Chair Swinging Freak!
In a poor match, Edge defeated Axl Rotten in 6:41 by pinfall with a Spear. Edge makes defence number 1 of his ECW title.
(Edge had an in-ring performance of 85, Axl Rotten had an in-ring performance of 25. Woof)
Edge is celebrating his victory in the ring. Goldust runs in and attacks, beating Edge down into the mat. He tries to steal the ECW title, getting within touching it before Edge grabs his legs and drags him away. Goldust scabbles for the belt, but Edge hits him with a chair, snatches up the belt and pegs it out of the ring.
Well ladies and Gentleman we’ve just had it confirmed to us that next week on Raw, The Undertaker will be here to answer to his brother Kane’s challenge for Lockdown!
But next up, he’s back! And he’s live!
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!
“Welcome to… RAW… IS… JERICHO!!
Everyone can relax, everyone can simmer down and settle down and shut up because he has returned. Chris Jericho is back and I am here once again to Save You All! I already saved the Royal Rumble simply by being in it! And now I’m here to Save Monday Night Raw just like I did in 1999 when I dropped the Y2K Problem on the WWF and now, 18 years later, I am in the prime of my career and I am here to SOLVE your WWE Problem.
You see things have been getting stale around here. I said it. Stale! You want some synonyms? Threadbare, banal, trite, stock, run-of-the-mill, hack, flat, unoriginal, outmoded, old hat, corny and played out! Yeah, I’m sorry everyone in the audience and the idiots watching at home, Chris Jericho is here and I’m afraid it’s time to re-engage your brains! I am the man of 1004 synonyms so just shut up and maybe you’ll learn something!”
“I am part of a special breed of performers. I am part of a literal dying breed of professional that toured the world, honing my craft, touring the world, learning my skills and becoming a star before I ever set foot in the WWE. I was given nothing, and I took EVERYTHING! I was in ECW before Vince’s money started to pour in and prop the place up. I was in WCW when Goldberg was a star and he was putting in 2 minutes entrance to exit and I was putting in the other 118! And when it was time, when I decided to, I came to the WWE and unlike the rest of these sycophants and juveniles in the WWE today who have everything handed to them on an NXT Branded platter by their Daddy with the Three H’s, I had to EARN what was mine. I earned every shot and I fought wars for every title and like every grizzled old veteran who looks at the younger boys coming up and sees just another part of the old ways chipping away I have decided that the best use of my time… is to teach.
I’ve got to teach these kids a thing or two. Take someone like… Bad News Barrett.
Yeah, Bad News comes out here with a dead man’s name, a dead man who was a friend of mine, and he comes to this company from across the pond and lies and he cheats and he steals and he does everything that another dead friend of mine would do to get to the top. And now he stands, the Intercontinental Champion. Bravo to him. Then you take someone like Shelton Benjamin. Shelton Benjamin who has also been Intercontinental Champion here but what has he learned? He came here, under Kurt Angle’s wing, and he was given chance after chance after chance and sometimes he came out on top. He won the IC title among others but then he left and he went to Japan to perform under the imaginative name of Shelton X Benjamin, even though his middle name is James… and when he comes back what has he learned?
Not much, because he loses to Bad News again and again and he fail to capture the Intercontinental title and in doing so he attaches to it a certain air of FAILURE! He tarnishes forever the legacy of that belt by being a former champion who can’t get the job done anymore. Well I’m a former champion. I’m the NINE TIME, THE RECORD BREAKING, THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME BABY!!!”
Oh Boy! Shelton Benjamin is here, X or not, and he gets in the ring.
Jericho doesn’t like being interrupted, “What the hell do you think you’re doing kid? I was talking about you, not to you!”
Shelton snatches the mic right out of Jericho’s hand.
“First off, let me say Welcome Back Chris. We’ve missed you here. We really have, because since you’ve been we’ve had no one out here talking on and on about how good you are! These people might not have missed that Chris, but let me tell you I did. Because I almost forgot about you. You see I’ve been on the road a lot, I don’t know if you kept up with the product while you been away shooting your YouTube sitcom and dancing with the stars but I’ve been all over the world. I’ve been taking on the best the WWE has to offer. Guys like Big E, guys like Alberto Del Rio, guys like Bad News Barrett and yeah he’s a cheating son of a bitch but even I can’t deny that he’s good, so while I been wrestling every night all over the globe I really didn’t have time to give you a second thought!
But now you’re back! And that’s great because you can come out here now and remind me, remind us all, how great you are and you are great Chris. We know how good you are. Everyone knows, but maybe if I did have a problem at all it would be with you calling yourself the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. I might have a problem with that Chris because while you are one of the best, in the top 5… for sure… I’m not sure we could call you better than Mr Perfect, Kurt Hennig. I’m not sure we can say you’re better than… Bret “The Hit Man” Hart. I’m not sure… personally Chris… if we could say you’re better than Kurt Angle.
“Shut the hell up!! I have faced every legend, every future Hall of Fame performer, and I’ve beaten them all! I’ve had dozens of titles, I’ve had dozens of classic matches, dozens of legendary moments in my career and yeah, I’ve beat Kurt Angle you idiot!”
Shelton smiles and puts up a finger, “Once.”
“You beat Kurt Angle once. Whereas he’s beaten you, pinned you, time and time again and think back to what you said about me earlier. I was in under Kurt Angle’s wing. I know everything he knows, and if he knows how to beat you… then so do I.”
Shelton smacks Jericho in the face with the mic and they get into a scuffle, Shelton shoving Jericho off him, running the ropes and going for the Paydirt but Jericho ducks it and rolls out of the ring, screaming that Shelton ruined his big night and kicking right off.
And now ladies and gentlemen… is our Main Event!
The former World Heavyweight Champion Christian versus the Royal Rumble winner Daniel Bryan!
In an Exceptional match, Daniel Bryan took on Christian!
Daniel Bryan looked to be getting the best of Christian, who was letting frustration affect his performance, until…
Oh shit! It’s John Cena’s Heel Music!
Daniel Bryan turns to face the ramp and face his former friend, but he doesn’t come out.
What does happen is a KILLSWITCH!
1… 2… 3..!
(Daniel Bryan had an in-ring performance of 100!)
Oh and now here he is, the twat!
Smiling his square head off, “Sorry Daniel, my fault. Didn’t mean to distract you. I was just coming out here to answer Christian.
You want you rematch for my World Heavyweight Title at Lockdown? Hell in a Cell? Your funeral. You’re on!”
Oh My God! It’s on!
Christian, John Cena, Hell in a Cell at Lockdown!