“BOOM! BOOM! BOOM-BA-BOOM! BOOM!”
The show starts with an impressive opening of pyro, before the lights are raised and several sections of the excited crowd are shown waving various signs. The focus then switches to the announce table where Joey Styles, Booker T and Mick Foley welcome you to Monday Night Raw!
Joey – Here we go! Daniel Bryan looking to kick off this Raw early!
Booker T – Man, Daniel Bryan has some serious explaining to do after last night.
Daniel – So first off… I guess I should say sorry? Not sorry to Christian, who obviously deserved it. Not sorry to John Cena, who I’ll get to in a second, but sorry to all of you! I know you wanted to see a Main Event calibre match last night at Lock Down, and I denied you that, and I’d like to explain why…
Joey – Well here’s another man who’d probably like an explanation.
Mick Foley – Yeah, he does not look happy.
Cena marches on down to the ring, face like a smacked arse.
Daniel – Oh, Hi John. I was just getting to you. Can you give me a minute?
The World Heavyweight Champion doesn’t look like he’s dishing out minutes.
Daniel – You wanna know why I did it John? Why I SAVED your title for you?
John – Shut up Daniel. Just… shut up. You didn’t save a God Damn thing for me. I could’ve had Christian beat at Lock Down the way I had him beat at The Rumble.
Daniel – Yeah, maybe. But I guess now… we’ll never know will we? You’ll never know! And that’s why I did John. I didn’t do it to deprive these people of a match, I did it to deprive YOU of a match! You pride yourself on competition and giving it 100% and if people want some they can come get some right? Well not last night! Maybe you would’ve beat Christian and kept the title, maybe he’d have beat you and got it back, but because of me you’ll never EVER find out!
Cena squares up to Daniel, and they grit their teeth at each other. Then Cena punches Bryan in the fucking beard and we’re off to the races. Trading hands until Bryan gets some distance and manages to kick Cena in the chin, knocking him back and allowing the referee to pull them apart before they kill each other.
Joey – They’re not waiting until Wrestlemania!
Mick Foley – They should! I know people want to see these guys finally go at each other in the ring, but this issue between them has already cost us one PPV Main Event. If someone gets injured here, we could lose the main event of Wrestlemania!
Booker T – Mick Foley is the voice of reason. That’s it. I don’t understand the world anymore!
This advert for fuck knows what, which is real, isn’t gonna help you make more sense of the world, but look here now!
The Man from Power Hour, Damien Sandow, is here on Raw!
The crowd are pretty into him, and he rides the wave of the pop right to the ring.
His opponent doesn’t get the same friendly reception.
The former World Champion hasn’t been on Raw for several weeks, and the fans have not missed him. They boo pretty hardcore, but Del Rio whips towel sweat at them and calls them cunts in Spanish. They don’t know.
The match gets underway and Alberto Del Rio is beasting it. He’s been gone for a while but he’s fucking back now and he is wrestling the piss out of Damien Sandow.
Sandow is on the back foot the entire time, Del Rio snaps back with an exploding German suplex, and hits the bridge for the pin.
1… 2… 3!
Del Rio raises his hand for the win, but the ref tells him to calm his nuts because he didn’t just win.
Sandow drops his weight, lifted his own shoulders and was then pinning Del Rio! So here is your winner… DAMIEN SANDOW!
(Sandow pulled an 81. The kid’s going places)
Del Rio is kicking off at the referee and Sandow doesn’t give two shits. He celebrates like the winner it turns out he is.
Paul Heyman is in his office, typing some shit out, when the former World Heavyweight Champion Christian storms in, hot as fuck.
Christian – Heyman! You little rat faced son of a bitch! Do your damn job and FIRE Daniel Bryan! My contract states I am entitled to a one on one rematch for the World Heavyweight Title and Daniel Bryan screwed me out of my shot last night! Get off your ass and fire him!
Paul leans forward on his elbows calmly.
Paul – Christian, you need to calm down. You’re not operating with all the fact of the issue, so allow me to enlighten you. I’m not going to be firing Daniel Bryan because no matter how angry you are at him, I assure you it’s misplaced anger. Daniel Bryan doesn’t deserve to be fired and he doesn’t deserve your hatred, because Daniel Bryan didn’t screw you over at Lock Down.
I SCREWED YOU OVER AT LOCK DOWN!
Christian smashes his fists into the desk, and Heyman gets right in his face.
Paul – For half a year you and your Gilded goons have made it your business to make my life a miserable nightmare. You refused to wrestle on Television, you interfered in every match you could and you cheated and stole your way to keeping your World Heavyweight title, and there was nothing I could do about it because you went running to the Chairman and got Champions Rights… well Christian… you’re not a Champion anymore, but I’m still the Raw General Manager, and you will do what I say!
Since you’re so tied up with your former tag team partner Edge, maybe you should follow in his footsteps one more time tonight. I’ve booked a match for you, employee! So go get your stuff, because you’re about to get woken up. By Goldust!
Joey – Oh my word! Christian is stepping into a world of danger with Goldust tonight! We saw what Edge had to go through last night at Lock Down to escape with his ECW title in that steel cage, and now Christian has to walk the same deranged path here on Raw!
Christian knows he can’t do shit all about this, so he storms out of the office. Heyman looks properly delighted.
Joey – So we’re set for our Main Event tonight, but next up is a non-title match between the Universal Tag Team Champions reDragon, and the new number one contenders Big Day.
Booker T – Kofi and Big Show won a tag team turmoil match at Lock Down to become number one contenders, but we’re gonna see what they got against the tag champs here tonight.
Mick Foley – Well both Kofi Kingston and Big Show are both former tag champs in their own right, but this unit of Big Day is still brand new so they may not have the cohesion yet as a team to get this job done.
In a bout that had good wrestling and a decent reaction from the crowd, Big Day defeated reDRagon in 13:24 when Kofi Kingston hit a Senton Bomb off Big Show’s shoulders and pinned Bobby Fish.
Big Day just picked up a HUGE upset over the tag team champions! reDragon look like they got a little wake up call here tonight, to take Big Day seriously as contenders!
Backstage, Shelton Benjamin is racing through the corridors talking anxiously into his phone. He’s telling someone he’s leaving now, he’ll be right there and to just hang on. He seems really worried. He gets into the car park and blips his rental car open, then stops.
Shelton – Wait, what do you mean Stupid Idiot?
It’s Chris Jericho! Jericho blindsides Shelton, putting the boots to him and ragdolling him around. The element of surprise has rocked Shelty and he doesn’t even get a lick in before Jericho slams him head first into his car door, leaving a massive dent.
Jericho – Idiot!
Jericho make his escape before the authorities turn up.
Bad News – Good evening Raw! In case you didn’t know, my name is Bad News Wade Barrett and I am your Intercontinental Champion! Last night at Lock Down I beat Shelton Benjamin and I beat Chris Jericho, arguably two of the best IC Champs in recent history, in the same match! I’ve held this belt since October last year. Four months the champion and in that time I’ve defeated the quick in Sami Zayn, I’ve defeated the Powerful in Stixx, and now I’ve defeated legends of this business! I don’t think it’s overstating my ability to suggest that I might be the GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME!
Except… I’ve not done it all have I? There’s one more challenge left to me before I can be declared the G.O.A.T, and I don’t need John Cena to set this one for me. You see next month, it’s Wrestlemania 33!
And at Wrestlemania, the greatest show of shows, there’s a tradition. The Intercontinental Title Ladder Match! The last great challenge between me and Immortality as the Greatest Intercontinental Champion in WWE History! This match frequently steals the show at Mania and I know every superstar on Raw wants their Mania Moment, so I’ve got some good news for a change. I’ve spoken with Paul Heyman, we’ve squared this all away and he has granted me the power as Champion not only announce that this year at Wrestlemania 33 there will be a Six Man Ladder Match for this IC Title, but also to declare tonight’s Raw NIGHT ONE of the Road to Wrestlemania Ladder War Tournament!
Step right up, take the test and prove yourself worthy to face me at the showcase of the immortals this year!
Your first Qualifying match is later tonight, when the Heavyweight House of Pain Stixx meets Big E in the middle of that ring. Good luck lads, because the top prize is the closest seats in the house to watch me retain MY Intercontinental Title at Wrestlemania! (100!!)
Joey – Well Jesus effing Jeff, HUGE announcement from Bad News Barrett! The first Wrestlemania match of 2017 has been announced! Barrett will take on seven other superstars in a Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Title!
Booker T – Huge balls on Barrett to put his belt no the line in that match. This guy really knows no fear.
Mick Foley – Yeah speaking of no fear, our next match is another member of the Cenation, the Universal Women’s Champion Amazing Kong’s open competition.
Joey – She took out Mickie James at Lock Down to retain that title in the most competitive match we’ve seen her have in a long time on Sunday. She was close to losing a couple times in that match, but the sheer power of Kong overcame the challenger. Who’s gonna be in the line of fire tonight?
Tamina Snuka! That’s NXT’s Tamina Snuka!
In many ways Tamina is the Awesome Kong of NXT, running over every woman they put in her path every Wednesday on NXT!
In a bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, Amazing Kong defeated Tamina in 5:47 by pinfall with an Amazing Bomb.
(Dislocated jaw for Tamina. Soz duck.)
After the match, Tamina is helped to the back cradling her fucked up jaw, and Renee Young gets into the ring to speak with Amazing Kong.
Renee – Amazing Kong, you are undefeated here on Raw since capturing the Universal Women’s Title. Tonight you showed your dominance over Tamina Snuka, but last night it seemed like you may have met your match against Mickie James.
Kong – Listen here toothpick… Mickie James gave me some real competition FINALLY, but met my match? Hardly. She barely took me off my feet last night. Now I respect Mickie James as a six time Women’s Champion, but six time or no time, this is MY TIME and I think I proved there’s not a woman in this company who can match me, let alone take this title away. That being said, just because no one can beat me, it doesn’t mean I don’t want you all to TRY. You bitches know where I am.
And then she steams off, leaving Renee looking scared but relieved.
Paul Heyman is still in his office, shuffling his papers around, when Sami Zayn enters.
Sami – Hey Paul, sorry to bother you here. Nice waistcoat by the way.
Paul – Thank you Sami, what is it I can do for you?
Sami – Well Paul, it’s like this… I want in on that IC Title Ladder Match at Mania! I don’t care who I have to beat to get it, I want my shot!
Paul – Well Sami… not to belabour the point here but the management of WWE are not happy with you right now after what happened between you and Rusev at Lock Down. I mean they typically like matches to have an ending, you know what I mean? You and Rusev beat the hell out of each other, which I obviously loved, but it’s starting to go too far even for me. What exactly is the problem between you two?
Sami – It’s pretty simple… Rusev…
Jake – Rusev is none of your concern, Mr Zayn. Rusev, unlike you, is a man who relishes challenges and rises to meet those challenges. Paul, my client Rusev is the obviously choice to go forward to the Wrestlemania Ladder Match. You already have Big E, another of my clients, competing tonight and I assure you all winning tonight and moving on to Wrestlemania. I think it’s only prudent and right that Rusev be afforded the same opportunity… to succeed.
Before Paul can get a word in, this happens…
Rusev and Sami go mentile and start chucking each other all over the office and smashing each other in the face over and over. Paul and even Jake gets into the middle of them to separate the two. Jake tries to calm his client, and Paul does likewise with Sami, but you can see he’s pissed off.
Paul – ENOUGH! You two want your shot at the IC Title Ladder match? Then you need to decide what you want more, your Mania moment or to keep beating on each other because tonight you’re going to TEAM UP! Rusev, Sami Zayn… against The Dudleys! If you can put whatever the hell your differences are aside and be a cohesive and beat The Dudleys then you’ll BOTH be entered into the Intercontinental Ladder Match. If you don’t cooperate, you will absolutely lose! Now GET OUT!
Jake takes Rusev away, who is kicking off in Bulgarian, and Sami waits one before leaving himself. No one is happy.
A video plays showing the doings and goings on from Power Hour this week between European Champion Jay Lethal, his former tag team partner Consequences Creed and the Samoan Submission Machine Samoan Joe!
Joe makes his intentions on the European Title clear by pasting Creed in the main event of Power Hour and then smashing Lethal with the belt shortly after.
Joey – Tonight we’re going to see, for the first time, the new challenger Samoa Joe take on European Champion Jay Lethal in a non-title match.
In a decent match, Jay Lethal defeated Samoa Joe in 10:06 by pinfall with a handful of tights AND his feet on the ropes. Lethal full on cheats his way out of this match, and afterwards Samoa Joe is not ignorant to this fact. He superkicks Lethal in the chops, then sets him up for the Muscle Buster!
It’s Consequences Creed!
He runs in and hits Joe in the guts with a Dragonball Punch! Joe drops Lethal and falls to his knees and Creed slaps on a Shining Wizard to Joe’s chest.
He turns and gets a Lethal Combination, bouncing off into the corner. Lethal grabs his title belt and fucks right off! Looks like Creed doesn’t consider himself out of this contest!
Next up is the first Intercontinental Ladder Match Qualifier, booked earlier tonight by Paul Heyman. Bitter enemies Rusev and Sami Zayn will have to try and put their differences aside and team up to face The Dudleys in tag team action. If they win, they go through to Mania!
In a decent match, Sami Zayn and Rusev defeated The Dudley Boyz in 11:34 when Sami Zayn defeated D-Von Dudley by pinfall following interference from Jake Roberts.
During the match Rusev and Sami tried to were tagging each other pretty hard, with one or two being actually punches, but they managed to stay together enough for Sami to pull Rusev out of the way of a 3D attempt and Rusev saving Sami was a Bionic Elbow from Bubba.
Ultimately Jake Roberts grabbed Bubba’s leg to stop him from making the tag, and Sami hit the blue thunder bomb for the win.
Joey – Sami Zayn just got the win for his “team”, and put both he and Rusev forward to Wrestlemania!
In terms of in-ring work, Sami Zayn was head and shoulders above everyone else.
After the match, Sami Zayn and Rusev won’t stop fighting and despite the attempts by security to break them up, it’s an all out brawl to the back.
Jericho – Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. QUIET!
That’s great for Sami Zayn, and for Rusev, that they’re now going forward to Wrestlemania to compete in the ladder match for the Intercontinental Title, but what’s not great…
Jericho stops and looks around him.
Jericho – Sorry. Every time I come out here to talk, that jackass Shelton Benjamin interrupts me. But er… I guess that won’t be happening this time.
Mick Foley – Jericho alluding to that ruse, and the heinous attack on Shelton that he perpetrated earlier tonight.
Jericho – So now that I can have a moment to myself, I’d like to point out that last night at Lock Down it was Shelton Benjamin who got pinned after botching a high spot and eating shit on the mat. Bad News Barrett beat Shelton Benjamin for the Intercontinental Title. He did not beat Chris Jericho! With that in mind I intend to launch a formal campaign to Paul Heyman that he automatically enter me into the Ladder Match at Wrestlemania so I can get my rightful shot and break my own record by becoming the TEN TIME Intercontinental Champion!
Booker T – Jericho throwing his hat in the ring for this ladder match. You think Paul’s gonna give him the shot?
Mick Foley – We all know Paul Heyman pretty well, and I think we all know it’s not gonna be that easy.
Joey Styles – Speaking of not easy, tonight’s main event is still to come as Christian takes on Goldust on the orders of our General Manager Paul Heyman who is out for revenge against Christian for the months of torture he was put through at the hands of the former Gilded leader.
Joey – This next match is our other Wrestlemania Ladder Match Qualifier, between Big E of the Snake Agency and former European Champion Stixx. Stixx has a win over Big E from the intergender Tag team match at Lock Down last night when his partner Bayley pinned Big E’s partner, Paige. However Big E has beaten Stixx both times they’ve met one on one.
Mick – That may be true, but the deciding factor in those matches as Jake Roberts, who you notice is not out here with his client.
Booker T – Jake’s backstage with Paul Heyman, trying to talk some sense into Rusev.
In a good match, Big E defeated Stixx in 12:03 by pinfall with The Big Ending.
Jake Roberts and Rusev come out to the ring and join the victorious Big E. Jake Roberts begins issuing warnings to all within earshot that this stable is one of pure dominance. “No one is safe,” he suggests, “From the highest on the hill – to the ants who make it, know that We are the masters of the ship and We are the winds that guide it. Anyone who gets in our way will be pushed to the wayside. My clients Big E and Rusev will enter the Wrestlemania Ladder Match and one of them WILL be walking away with the Intercontinental Championship!” (100!!!)
Joey – There you have it folks. Three men already qualified for Bad News Barrett’s Wrestlemania Ladder Match. Two more spots left.
And now… The Main Event!
Christian is being forced to wrestle Goldust, a genuine maniac.
Goldust wastes no time, leaps in the ring and starts kicking the shit out of Christian. He’s worked up from not winning the ECW title last night and is perfectly happy to take it out on Christian.
Paul Heyman picked the right opponent here tonight if he wanted to punish Christian, because Goldust is not giving him an inch. His quest for the ECW title has been stunted and the bizarre and deranged Goldust is venting his frustrations here. Christian rolls out of the ring,
That’s EDGE! The ECW Champion Edge!
Edge spears Goldust clean in half and the referee rings the bell. Goldust wins by DQ and Edge saves his buddy from a further massacre.
Paul Heyman appears on the ramp, livid.
Paul – Good job Christian. See you next week!