Raw, Week 1 March 2017

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In a pre-show bout that had sub-par wrestling and little heat, The Good Brother Jey Fatu defeated Apollo Crews in 9:51 by pinfall with a Rikishi Driver.
We start the show proper in Paul Heyman’s office. He’s shuffling papers around when the ECW Champion Edge walks in. Edge has a shit eating grin on his shovel face, but it soon slides off when he sees the bigger shittier grin on Heyman’s face.

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Edge – What are you so happy about Heyman? You run another company into the ground?

Heyman – Funny you should bring that up, as the ECW Champion. When Ezekiel Jackson retired that belt way back when, I thought that was truly it for my title. The title I made relevant, that title I made big. But then Raven turned the WWE Hardcore title into the ECW title and suddenly my creation was back.

Edge – Yeah yeah yeah. Poetic Paul Heyman promo. What do you want?

Heyman – To the heart of the matter then. You’re a Champion on Raw, and that means you can exercise your champions rights to decide who you face for the belt. However the belt in question, your belt, is my belt. The WWE might own my company, but it doesn’t own ECW lock stock and barrel. I still own the barrel, and I’m giving you both of them Edge.

Edge – Get to the frigging point.

Heyman – You interfered in my plans last week, spearing Goldust when he was meant to be brutalising your friend Christian. When you did that, you got my attention and you got factored into my agenda. In case it’s not clear, you don’t want that. Not only have you made things worse for Christian, and you have, but you’ve made them worse for yourself.

I have a controlling interest in the ECW title, and while ever that belt is on this show I own it. That means I own YOU and that means I decide who you battle for the belt and I decide when. Still… in the spirit of competition I’d like to make it interesting, so tonight you’ve got a match.

Edge – Whatever. Bring on whichever busted ECW “extremist” you can dig out of New Jersey and I’ll crush them like I crushed Ian Rotten and Axl Rotten and Matt Hardy.

Heyman – … with Goldust.

Edge goes white.

Heyman – And I know, you don’t want to fight Goldust again. He tore strips off you at Lock Down and he beat you senseless with weapons taped to his body at the Royal Rumble. He’s a mental case, so I see your problem, but here’s another. If Goldust beats you tonight, you WILL defend the ECW Title against him at Wrestlemania in a match of his choice. And if you don’t, I will strip you of the ECW Title right here tonight!

He takes a massive breath in, ready to scream and curse the place down.

Heyman – Thank you. That will be all.

Edge clenches his jaw, then storms out.

Heyman – Prick.

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The cameras hurriedly head to the backstage parking lot, where Shelton Benjamin is kicking seven shades of shit out of Chris Jericho. He gives him a snap suplex onto the bonnet of a car, which buckles and dents under the impact.

Shelton – I made this pretty clear Chris. There aint no stoppin’ me.

William Regal, Fit Finlay and Raw’s newest road agent Diamond Dallas Page get between Shelton and the fucked up Jericho, Regal leading Shelton away.

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In the ring we see Jake Roberts, flanked by his clients Rusev, Big E and Paige. Paige is holding a briefcase.

Jake – Sami Zayn. Sami Sami Sami… you’re all expecting old Jake to come out here and cut some shoot promo on how Sami Zayn is a piece of trash and a fly in the ointment and a Canadian scumbag and so on and so on into oblivion, but let me give you the straight truth; I love Sami Zayn.

I think Sami Zayn has future World Heavyweight Champion written all over him. I’ve been following that kids career from the indies and he is tremendous. I love Sami Zayn, so that’s why this is so difficult for me. You see lately he’s had issues with my client, the Bulgarian Brute, Rusev!

It’s been real violent and real disruptive, and it’s been great, but now it’s starting to get in the way of business. Rusev and Big E are both entered into the traditional Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match at Wrestlemania 33. I guarantee that one of my clients will be reaching up, up, up and grabbing the white and gold. They’re both powerhouse competitors in the WWE, but it never hurts to gain an advantage.

So tonight I’d like to offer a deal. A deal to everyone in the back, and the deal goes like this… take out Sami Zayn, and you get what’s in here.

Paige opens the briefcase to reveal it’s full of cash.

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Jake – Cold, emotionless, cash. See I’m a professional, and I have to look after the interest of my clients. So like I say Sami, I think you’re great kid, but this right here… this is business. (100)

Joey Styles – Hello folks, I am the voice of Raw Joey Styles and it’s taken me until 20 odd minutes into this packed show to get a word in edgewise.

Booker T – Edge would have been wise to keep out of Paul Heyman’s way.

Mick Foley – True enough, although the pun is terrible.

Joey – To recap, tonight we’re looking at the ECW Champion Edge taking on Goldust in a match he does NOT want anything to do with. Plus Shelton just battered Jericho in the parking lot as revenge for last week, and now Jake “The Snake” Roberts has put a hit out on Sami Zayn.

Mick Foley – Yeah, it’s pretty great so far. Plus tonight’s main event is a clash between the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Title, Daniel Bryan, and the man from the power hour, the intellectual saviour of the masses, Damien Sandow!

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Next is the WWE Universal Women’s Champion Amazing Kong in the middle of the ring, waiting on her competition.

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It’s the daughter of WWE Legend Tully Blanchard, Tessa Blanchard.

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Granddaughter of baseball Hall of Famer Babe Ruth, Betsy Ruth.

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And Swiss powerhouse Sarah Backman!

Booker T – Is Kong taking on this women one a time?

Joey – I don’t think so Book. Kong is an all or nothing kind of Champion.

In an abysmal match, Amazing Kong defeated Sarah Bäckman, Tessa Blanchard and Betsy Ruth in 8:51 when Amazing Kong defeated Tessa Blanchard by pinfall with an Amazing Bomb.

Amazing Kong carried the match in terms of in-ring performance.
(Tessa Blanchard 19, Betsy Ruth 8, Sarah Backman 6)

Having completely buried all three local women, Kong returns to the timekeeper’s desk to retrieve her title belt, when she gets it strong over the head. The time keeper pulls their hoodie down to reveal that she’s Mickie James!

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Mick – Ho ho! It’s Mickie James! The only woman to give Kong some real competition this year.

Mickie leaps over the table and twats Kong with a Mick-Kick, sending the big lass reeling on bendy legs. She leans back, then drops Kong with a running Hurricanrana!

Joey – She’s down! Amazing Kong barely leaves her feet but Mickie James just took her down!

Mickie grabs the title belt, holds it up high, then drops it down as Kong sits up like the Undertaker, looking fairly fucking miffed. Mickie rolls over the barricade and disappears into the crowd.

Booker – I think her intentions are pretty clear here guys. Mickie James wants another shot at the top.

In a bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, reDRagon defeated The Briscoes in 13:18 when Bobby Fish defeated Mark Briscoe by pinfall with a Chasing The Dragon.

Kofi Kingston and The Big Show; Big Day, are interviewed by Renee Young backstage. The number one contenders for the Universal Tag Titles remind everyone that they beat reDragon last week, and they look forward to facing them again at Wrestlemania for the titles. Big Show has had plenty of Wrestlemania moments, and so has Kofi, but being able to take on a team like reDragon on the grandest stage of them all is a golden opportunity, and one they intend not to waste.

Paul is in his office when Bubba Ray and D’Von; the Dudleyz, walk in.

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Paul – Hey boys, what’s up?

Bubba – Hey Paulie, look man, we got a request to make.

Paul – Yeah? Ok hit me.

Bubba – Well last week you asked us to take on Rusev and Sami Zayn, and those guys won thanks to Jake the frigging Snake, and they both went into the IC Title Ladder match.

Paul – Absolutely right, yeah.

Bubba – So… what about us? They win last week, and it’s straight to Wrestlemania, but even though got screwed out of the match you didn’t offer us nothing to begin with. If we won, what? What about us Paulie?

Paul – Well guys, like you say, you didn’t win. I’m not saying it was clean, but the W goes down in the books for Sami and Rusev. What can I do?

D’Von – You can give us the same chances you been giving everyone else. We want in on that IC Title ladder match man.

Paul – Guys, I see your point and I get that you want to have full careers… but the Intercontinental Title is a singles belt, and you’re… you’re a tag team. You’re not eligible.

Bubba doesn’t look happy with that.

Bubba – Not eligible huh Paulie? Alright. Be seeing you. Come on brother.

The Dudleyz storm off, not too pleased.

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Backstage we see Sami Zayn arrive at the arena and go to enter a locker room, only to find Adam Rose standing guard.

Sami – What’s up Rose?

Adam – Partying cost money man. All those dancers have to be paid.

Sami – … so just bring less dancers.

Adam – You bring less dancers!

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Adam smacks Sami in the face, and they brawl, with Sami Zayn eventually flooring Rose and leaving him down. Sami Zayn disappears into the locker room.

Sami – The hell is wrong with you?

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Shelton Benjamin comes down to the ring with a microphone. He’s smiling his head off.

Shelton – Last week Chris Jericho called me, lured me to the parking lot by telling me my wife had been in an accident, and attacked me! That shit is low, and it’s beneath me. I didn’t need to pull any bullshit like that tonight. I just waited for the idiot to turn up and then I jacked him up!

He took me out, then came down here and all he did was talk. That’s not who I am. With Jericho out the way I get a chance to express myself the best way I know how… so bring on my opponent!

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Holy Shitting Crikey it’s Charlie Haas! Shelton Benjamin’s former partner in The World’s Greatest Tag Team!

The two old friends bump fists in the middle of the ring, and it seems like Shelton has brought Charlie here for exactly this purpose.

In a great technical match, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas trade holds, reversals and counters. Shelton is putting on an exhibition of his excellent in ring ability with an opponent who knows his every move. This is a real clinic.

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Ultimately, Charlie grabs Shelton for a German Suplex, but Shelton shoves him back into the ropes, whipping him to the other side of the ring, Charlie comes back, Shelton leap frogs him, Charlie comes back and runs right into PAYDIRT!

1… 2… 3!

AINT NO STOPPING ME NOW!!!

Shelton helps Charlie up after the match and two shake hands, Charlie holding Shelton’s hand up and making the Belt motion across Benjamin’s waist.

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Joey – Shelton just came out here and showed us exactly what he’s about. This is a real message to Chris Jericho and pretty much everyone on Raw and in the WWE as a whole.

Booker – Shelton’s a great talent Joey. One of the greatest in ring athletes we’ve ever had here.

Sami Zayn makes his way through the back, saying hello to people who run away. It’s confusing, then he bumps into The Ascension.

Sami – Boys.

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Konnor and Viktor exchange a glance, but Sami clocks the meaning and smacks Viktor in the mouth before the brawl kicks off. He’s quicker than the two of them, but there are two of them, and they puts fists to the poor sod.

Viktor – The Snake put a bounty on your head.

Konnor – And we intend to collect.

The bating continues until Sami manages to kick Konnor’s knees out, duck Viktor and throw a few cases in the way to make his escape.

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Joey – Next up we’re going to see a confrontation carried over from The Power Hour last night. Samoa Joe demanded to face Jay Lethal for the European Title, but what he got instead of a suplex in the shape of the former EU Champion, Stixx.

Mick – Stixx rocked Joe and he didn’t expect it, but tonight there’s no surprise. It’s going to be Samoa Joe against Stixx right in the middle of the ring.

In a decent match, the two power players went to fucking town on one another. Samoa Joe went in angry and strong, but Stixx was able to match his intensity in a bout almost the opposite of the earlier Shelton v Haas match. There were no smart reversals or mat wrestling counters here. Just two massive boys shoot punching the bejesus out of one another and throwing each other around like no one would be able to.

Stixx defeated Samoa Joe in 12:04 by pinfall with a Stixx Bomb.

Stixx gets his arm raised, but Jay Lethal runs out and goes for him with the EU title belt. Stixx ducks it and clotheslines Lethal flat on his back. Samoa Joe is back to his feet, and Stixx suffers the consequences of being distracted by getting slammed with a Samoan Drop!

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It’s Creed! Consequences Creed is in the ring and he hits Joe with a running high knee followed by a drop kick, sending Joe over the ropes and out of the ring. Creed turns and gets the Lethal Combination right onto the dropped European Title belt, which Lethal then picks up and runs away with.

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A commercial plays for Shadow of War, coming soon! OF BAH GAWD IT’S SHADOWY!

And now it’s The Dudley Boyz!

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Joey – Bubba and D’Von were pretty pissed off earlier tonight when General Manager Paul Heyman refused to put them in the IC Ladder match at Mania.

Booker – They have a legit grievance Joey. Just because they’re a tag team doesn’t mean they’re not their own men. When I was in Harlem Heat me and my brother both knew we had it in us to be singles guys too.

Mick – And let’s not forget Bubba and D’Von have both had singles careers, both here and in other companies.

Bubba – So we’re not eligible for the Intercontinental Ladder match because we’re a tag team? That’s bullshit! We’re not just a tag team. My brother and I are the most decorated Tag Team in the history of this business! 26 Tag Team title reigns in our career, spanning companies and continents.

D’Von – My brother here is a two time TNA World Heavyweight Champion!

Bubba – and my brother here is a two time TNA Television Champion.

D’Von – Testify!

Bubba – And yet… we’re not eligible? We don’t get to go to Wrestlemania because we’re a tag team? Well I got the solution!

Bubba kicks D’Von in the guts and uppercuts him in the throat.

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Joey – Oh My God!

Bubba throws D’Von out of the ring, rolls out himself and lifts his brother up on his shoulders.

Booker – What the hell is Bubba…

Bubba answers the question by powerbombing D’Von through the announcers table.

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Bubba – Am I eligible now Paul?! HOW ABOUT NOW?!

Joey – Jesus H Jones, Bubba just destroyed his own brother!

Booker – That’s cold man, but I get the point. You wanna make a name for yourself, just yourself, sometimes you gotta separate. And that aint always easy.

Joey – Just a reminder that tonight still to come we’ve got the Rated ECW Superstar Edge one on one with the maniac Goldust, and our main event Daniel Bryan v Damien Sandow. Stick around.

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Sami Zayn makes it to the ring, looking harassed and beaten thanks to the bounty on his head.

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Sami – RUSEV! JAKE! One of you get the hell out here! If you want to put Sami Zayn down you have to do it your damn selves!

No they don’t.

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Big E stomps to the ring, ready to do his manager’s dirty work for him.

In a superb match, Sami Zayn took on Big E. The damage done to Sami was apparent from the get go, but the Underdog from the Underground just would not die. Not matter what Big E threw at him, or threw him into, Sami kicked out of every pin attempt. Big E was getting frustrated at not being able to put Sami away, but Rusev turned up as the difference maker.

Rusev tried to kick Sami in the face, but Zayn ducked it and dumped Rusev out of the ring, bouncing off the ropes and kicking Big E’s head off with the Helluva Kick!

He couldn’t get the big man up the Blue Thunder Bomb, but Big E’s reversal attempt got reversed itself into a sunset flip for the flash pinfall.

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Joey – Sami did it!

Mick – This kid’s got grapefruits like a bull and the heart of a champion Joey. If his opponents in the IC Title ladder match are hoping that Sami’s gonna quit, they’re barking up the wrong tree.

We see a video recap from the Smackdown Elimination Chamber PPV. After retaining the United States title against Baron Corbin, The Icon Sting was met by a familiar face.

The Undertaker!

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We hadn’t seen the Deadman since his brutal Hell in a Cell match against Kane at Lock Down, but the Phenom returned and pointed at the Wrestlemania sign, and you know what that usually means?!

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Edge enters the ring, tooled up. He doesn’t have his ECW title on him, but he is carrying a baseball bat. Shame he doesn’t get to use it, because the referee shoots him in the face with a glitter cannon.

Joey – Hang on… is that Goldust… unpainted?

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It fucking is as well. The ref tears off his shirt to reveal a black and gold jumpsuit underneath. He cracks Edge in the ribs with the cannon and the ECW champ rolls out of the ring. Goldust shoves his hands in his ref trouser pockets and one comes out gold and the other black.

Mick – He’s got pockets full of paint!

Joey – And God knows what else!

Goldust smears paint on his face and dares Edge to get back in the ring. Edge doesn’t seem keen, so Goldust goes to fetch him, grabbing the baseball on his way. He swings it hard, Edge ducks, and bat breaks in half across the ring post.

Booker – Jesus! He couldn’t killed Edge if that connected!

They get back in the ring, and Goldust throws the stump of the bat at Edge. He ducks it and charged for the Spear, but Goldust sidesteps and Edge goes shoulder first into the turnbuckle, so Goldust shatters his dreams, by which I mean he punts him in the bags.

Edge folds up like a fucked deckchair and Goldust locks him in the Good Night Sweet Charlotte, which is the legit name of Goldust’s submission finisher. Look it up. Anyway it’s a cobra clutch with body scissors, and he wrenches it on Edge.

Goldust – GIVE UP! GIVE UP!

Edge screams, trying to get away, but Goldust is squeezing the absolute shit out of him and eventually he has no choice.

In a good match, Goldust defeated Edge in 12:07 by submission.

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Paul Heyman comes to the ring looking pretty bloody pleased with himself.

Heyman – Before our main event tonight, I’d just like a few moments of your time… Christian.

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There he is. The former World Heavyweight Champion. He got under Heyman’s skin too much too often last year, and now the General Manager of Raw is getting a measure of his revenge.

Christian – What is it now Heyman? I’m suspended? You’re banning me from Wrestlemania? You’re gonna put me tonight’s main event and have Daniel Bryan and Damien Sandow try to kick the hell out of me?

Heyman – Hell. That’s very apt Christian, because Hell is exactly what you put me through and Hell is exactly what you will be put through, although not by me of course. As much as you might want to get into this ring and physically assault me, you know that if you did that you would be relieved of duty and be forced to crawl back down to Impact Wrestling or whatever it’s called now and return to the Owl of Second Place.

I’m not suspending you and I’m not banning you from Wrestlemania. On the contrary. I want you at the biggest thrill ride of them all because I want my revenge against you to be played out on the grandest stage possible. You need an opponent of course, and so we come back to that word. Hell. Because I’ve chosen one HELL of a replacement for me.

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FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Joey – It’s Kane! Two weeks ago he put his own brother through the top of the Cell, and now he’s back! No mask, just one massive angry nutter.

Booker – But why is Kane doing the dirty work for Heyman?

Well Kane gets a microphone and let’s us know.

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Kane – Christian, you and your kind are the cancer growing on the WWE. I saw it from the moment I stepped out of the Hell in a Cell at Bad Blood last year. The brutality which awakened the

dementia in Goldust has awakened the truth in me, as I have used brutality to show the truth to Rob Van Dam, and now to my brother The Undertaker.

The WWE is rotten, thanks to you and The Gilded. And when the forest is rotten, you need a FIRE to cleanse it! I am the healing fire of the WWE, and your cancer will be burned from the heart of this company and you reduced to ash… in the inferno!

Christian shits every pair of pants he’s got as Kane explodes the ring posts.

Mick – The inferno? Does that mean what I think it means?

Joey – Sounds to me like Christian’s punishment for crossing the boss is an Inferno Match with Kane at Wrestlemania!

Booker – He is fucked.

And now our Main Event!

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And we are joined on Commentary here for this one by the World Heavyweight Champion and the leader of the Cenation; John Cena!

John – Whatsup boys.

Joey – John, can we take a minute to discuss your new attitude since Royal Rumble?

John – I don’t see that I have a new attitude Joey. I won the title and I brought competition back to the Raw, just like I always do.

Joey – But you also double crossed your supposed friend Daniel Bryan at the same time.

John – Yeah I did do that, and since then everyone’s been talking about how John Cena turned heel. I didn’t turn heel. Do I interfere in matches? No. I put a stop to that. Do I run away from a fight? Hell no. I don’t come out here and trash the fans or their town. I’m doing the same thing I’ve been doing since I got here 15 years ago. The fact of the matter is I just don’t like Daniel Bryan. I’m not a heel, I’m a nice guy who got pushed to his limits.

Speaking of Danny B, or Bry D depending on how you look at it, here he comes for his match tonight with Damien Sandow.

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Bryan clocks Cena right away, but John makes it clear he’s not here to fight, he’s just here to watch. Bryan is still weary of him through, choosing not to turn his back on his Wrestlemania opponent for too long.

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In a superb match, Daniel Bryan took on Damien Sandow in the main event.

Daniel looked great out there, but Damien Sandow managed to more or less keep up with the American Dragon. It was Bryan’s match but Sandow really showed us what he can when given the chance.

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Bryan hit the running high knee and slapped Damien in the Yes Lock! Sandow’s hand came down but Cena suddenly stood up out of his chair and Bryan reflexively let go of the hold and stood on his guard. Cena shook his head and sat back down, but the damage was done. Sandow hit a neckbreaker on Daniel and flash pinned him for the Win.

In a superb match, Damien Sandow defeated Daniel Bryan in 10:07 by pinfall after a distraction from John Cena.

(Daniel Bryan 100, Sandow 76)

Sandow celebrates like he just won the Undisputed Title in his own town while his mother was watching, and Cena shrugs at Bryan from the announce desk.

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Cena – Sorry man. Just stretching my legs. You gotta keep your eye on the ball dude.

Overall… 77

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