Raw, Week 2 March 2017


Paige and Bayley have a heated confrontation and eventually come to blows. Security swarms the ring to break them up before they can hurt each other.
In a decent pre-show match, Bayley defeated Paige in 9:43 by pinfall with a Hug–Plex.
Main Show
We start the show with Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett already in the ring.
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Bad News – Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Monday Night Raw. I am your Intercontinental Champion Wade “Bad News” Barrett. A couple of weeks ago I set an open challenge to everyone in the Raw locker room, to qualify for the traditional Wrestlemania Ladder Match, for my title! People have asked me since then why would I put my belt up in this sort of match. Why not a one on one? Surely allowing 5 other men into the match simply allows five times more chance that I could lose the title. The nature of the ladder match is such that I don’t even have to be involved in the decision. I could lose the belt without even being in the ring.
And to all those people, I say Shut Up! Bad News idiots, because I will NEVER lose this title! I set this match because I am the greatest Intercontinental Champion of ALL time! No champion on Raw has held their belt longer than I have. Even Christian has been replaced by a more worthy champion in John Cena, but there is no more worthy IC Champion than me!
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Jericho – Barrett.. would you please, shut the hell up! I am Chris Jericho and I am a record breaking Intercontinental Champion! The fact that I’m not automatically entered into your little ladder match is RIDICULOUS! I’m the greatest of all time! I invented the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, which was the actual tradition at Wrestlemania before it got it’s own stupid PPV show.  You want to prove yo’re WORTHY of that title? I’m the guy you need to go through.
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Shelton walks down, turns to Jericho on the ramp, and drops him with a stiff punch to the face.
The two start brawling and Barrett just laughs.
Bad News – See look. Everyone wants this belt. Everyone wants in on this match. These two are knocking seven shades of shit out of each other and they’re not even in the Mania match!
It’s The Snake Agency; Rusev and Big E. Two men who actually HAVE qualified for the Mania Ladder match!
Big E goes right after Shelton, Jericho piles in and Rusev is about to join the fray himself…
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Sami Zayn has had his problems this year with Rusev, for reasons we’re still completely in the dark about, and Sami kicks the beard off Rusev’s face with a Helluva Kick, levelling the Bulgarian Brute.
Big E gets dropped with Pay Dirt on the outside by Shelton, but he eats a Code Breaker himself from Chris Jericho. Jericho turns into Helluva kick of his own!
Joey – Jesus Christ! Everyone’s Down! Sami Zayn is the last man standing!
Jerry – Except the Champion of course.
Bad News eyes Sami from the ring, fallen bodies all over the outside. He starts giving him a round of applause.
Bad News – Well played son. Only one man in your way now, but I there’s still two more people to add to this match. I’d save your energy for Wrestlemania pal.
Joey – Well he’s absolutely right folks. Still two spaces open for the IC Title Ladder Match at Mania, you have to think both Shelton and Jericho are gonna lay claim to those places.
Mick – Doesn’t work like that though does it Joey? Spirit of Competition is alive and well on Raw, and if you want a place you have to earn it.
Joey – Unless you piss off the boss, in which case he puts you in a match with Kane where you might get set on fire. And if you’re Christian, you also have a match tonight against Sami Zayn. If he can take a break from attacking Rusev for 15 minutes.
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Back from commercial, having all snapped into some Slim Jims, we find WWE Universal Women’s Champion Amazing Kong in the ring.
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Kong – Give me competition! NOW!
Joey – Well Kong has been on a fucking tear in the women’s division, defeating everyone on Raw and several women from NXT, called up apparently just to be fed to Kong. She dislocated the jaw of Tamina Snuka and last week she sent three women packing all at once. The only woman who’s been able to give her any real problems is former Women’s Champion Mickie James.
Mick – Mickie isn’t here tonight Styles, so whomever is being sent out here next has got a lot to prove.
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Shit me it’s Nikki Bella!
Joey – The Last of the Divas, Nikki Bella is a former champion herself here in WWE, but that was back in a time of more simplified women’s wrestling, where all you had to do to win the belt was have the biggest tits.
Jerry – I loved that era Joey.
Joey – We know you did King. Go on, say it.
Jerry – PUPPIES!!
Joey – Christ.
Nikki Bella makes her way into the ring, pulling off her FEARLESS cap to throw to the fans, but Kong snatches her off the ground and throws Nikki Bella to the fans!
She javelins Bella right out of the ring and into the crowd! The disgusting perverts on the first few rows catch Bella and crowd surf her back to ring side, where Kong is waiting. MONSTER CLOTHESLINE bends Nikki in half like a novelty straw. Kong throws her back in the ring, climbs to the top rope, drops a huge AMAZING PRESS SPLASH. But she doesn’t go for the pin.
It actually looks like Kong is pissed off that Nikki Bella is even out here. She’s screaming in Bella’s face that she doesn’t belong in the ring. Kong ties Nikki up on the ropes and chaps her back down to a C-Cup before kicking her face first over the ropes and to the outside. Nikki just lies there like a deflated sex doll with half a pint of water in it, and the ref calls for the bell.
Kong screams that she demands competition! Competition or ELSE!
She takes Nikki and batters her with another clothesline on the outside as officials and Finlay in a purple shirt come out to try and get Kong away from the now essentially killed Nikki Bella.
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Joey – Fucking hell. Kong just dismantled Nikki Bella.
Jerry – I hated every second of that. Nikki is a former Divas Champion!
Mick – I think Kong’s point in this match is that Amazing Kong is the Women’s Champion, and Nikki Bella just can’t hang.
Kong leaves ringside, stepping on Nikki’s chest on the way past.
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Backstage, Bubba Dudley is already roughing up Paul Heyman.
Bubba – what about now then Paul aye? You don’t get back to me all week? I put my brother, my oldest friend, in the hospital and you can’t get back to me? I want my shot Paul! Give me my shot!
Paul – Bubba, we’ve known each other a very long time, and you know that I don’t always get back to people right away, but you should also know that I do always eventually get back to them. I didn’t forget abut you Bubba, but it so happens that this week I was visiting your brother, your oldest friend, in the hospital. D’Von is out, possibly for good, after what you did to him last week.
Bubba – He gets it. D’Von knows how this business works. He was holding me back, and he had to go. But now Paul, it feels like you’re holding me back. So what am I supposed to do?
Paul – You get your shot Bubba. Alright? Does that make you feel better? Does that help you to rationalise assaulting your brother and now putting your hands on me? You get your shot, but I’, not just putting you in the match. I can’t condone what you did, but I can’t ignore it either, so tonight you get a qualifying match and if you win, you go to Wrestlemania in the Ladder match.
Bubba – Who?
Paul – What?
Bubba – WHO?!
Paul – Jericho.
Bubba sucks his teeth, glares at Paul, punches the wall and takes off, not very happy.
Joey – There it is. Tonight it’s gonna be Bubba Dudley vs Chris Jericho in an IC Title Ladder Match qualifier.
Mick – I’ve known Bubba for a long time, and I’ve never seen him this scary.
Joey – I was thinking the same thing Mick. He’s always been loyal if nothing else, but obviously the past is just the past for Bubba now, and he’s looking out for his own future.
Jerry – Jericho is not gonna just roll over though. He’s made is very clear since returning at the Royal Rumble that he wants to break his own record by winning the Intercontinental title for a tenth time. He was out here at the top of the show to remind everyone how much he wants that title.
Joey – Well speaking of titles, our next match is reDragon taking on The Ascension. The Universal Tag Titles are not on the line tonight, but The ascension have been dominant on Power Hour in recent weeks and they will definitely be eyeing those belts.
In a bout that had decent wrestling but little heat, reDRagon defeated The Ascension in 11:55 when Kyle O’Reilly defeated Viktor by pinfall with a Chasing The Dragon.
Jay Lethal, your European Champion and the man who apparently runs Power Hour, is swanning around backstage looking mint when he bumps into old friend turns challenger Consequences Creed. Before a word can pass between them, Stixx appears. He looks like he’s gonna say something, but everyone’s eyes all move towards…
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Samoa Joe spits on the floor.
Jay – So look, about the other night…
Joe punches him in the face. He looks at the other two and says “See you in the ring.”
Well he’s exactly right, because next up we have a triple threat match. These three men are all vying to be the next contender to the European Title over on Power Hour, and whomever wins this match tonight will obviously have a huge leg up.
In a decent match, Stixx defeated Samoa Joe and Consequences Creed in 11:49 when Stixx defeated Creed by pinfall with a Stixx Bomb.
Consequences Creed was the weak link, struggling to keep up with everyone else’s in-ring performance.
The former European Champion Stixx just made a pretty big statement here tonight.
Big Show and Kofi Kingston, The Big Day, are being interviewed backstage;
The Big Day talk about how much they’re looking forward to Wrestlemania, taking on the Universal Tag Team Champions reDragon and cementing their position as a team on Raw. They’re a new team, but they’ve worked their way almost to the top in short order and they are absolutely planning on walking out of Wrestlemania 33 as the new Universal Tag Team Champions.
It’s at this point the two men are attacked a couple of massive lads in ski masks.
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It is a complete mugging. Despite the speed Kofi and the power of Show, the two mystery assailants use the element of surprise and batter the Big Day, chucking Kofi through the set and bringing Big Show down to his knees with hard kicks before double savat kicking him to the ground.
Joey – Who the hell are they?
Jerry – Whoever they are they just took down The Big Show like he was nothing.
Mick – That was like watching wolves take down a buffalo. Jesus.
Joey – Well we’re gonna get some more information on the condition of the Big Show and Kofi Kingston momentarily, but for now we have a match made earlier tonight. Bubba Dudley last week put his tag team partner D’Von in the hospital, for a chance to get into the Intercontinental Ladder Match at Wrestlemania. General Manager Paul Heyman made the qualifier, with Bubba taking on Chris Jericho here tonight.
Mick – Now Chris has been wanting this title back since he returned at The Rumble. He wrestled a Triple Threat with Shelton Benjamin at Lock Down and came damn close to relieving Bad News of his belt.
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Chris Jericho is a nine time former Intercontinental Champion, the most reigns of anyone with that belt. He’s had his problems recently with Shelton Benjamin, with the two participating in that out of hand brawl at the top of the show, but tonight he’s going to have to take on a newly reinvigorated Bubba Dudley for a spot in the ladder match.
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Shit me Bubba looks hench.
Straight away shit gets violent and Bubba is going right after Jericho, but Chris is no fool and he’s able to keep pace with his old ECW buddy pretty well.
After a time, Chris hits a strong combination and rocks Bubba in the corner, dropping him with a bulldog and hitting the Lionsault off the middle rope.
1.. 2… KICK OUT!
Bubba throws Jericho off and goes on the offensive, hitting a quick Brother Bomb.
1… 2… KICK OUT!
Jericho gets the shoulder up and stays alive.
This is a teeth knocked out stiff as a board kind of affair, with both guys paintbrushing the fuck out of each other. They obviously both want in this match at Mania and are willing to do severe damage to get there.
Jericho hits it and Bubba falls back, Chris locks in The Wall of Jericho in the middle of the ring! Bubba’s hand goes up, he’s screaming in agony…
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Jericho lets Bubba go and starts screaming at the ramp. What the hell is Shelton Benjamin doing? Get him out of here!!
But Shelton doesn’t actually turn up. The music stops. Jericho looks confused and turns right into another Brother Bomb.
1… 2… THREE!!!
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Jericho is fucking beside himself. Kicking the ropes, punching the turnbuckle, throwing a fit in the ring.
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Then Shelton appears at the top of the ramp, smirking his head off.
Jericho is going mental that he was robbed and Bubba should have to step aside and give him the spot, so Bubba scoops him and hits another Brother Bomb before holding up the 3D.
In a decent match, Bully Bubba Ray defeated Chris Jericho in 13:01 by pinfall with a Brother Bomb after a distraction from Shelton Benjamin.
Backstage we find The Cenation hanging out in their plush ass locker room. John Cena, the World Heavyweight Champion, is holding court.
John – I want to tell you guys I’m proud of you all. I knew you all had it in  you to be great. You were champions without The Gilded and no matter how you may have kept your titles during that time, you’ve held them since on your own and without outside help.
Kong, obviously I’m not talking about you. You won your title and you kept your title on your own every damn time. Tonight you DESTROYED Nikki Bella, which I am actually very pleased about since she decided she couldn’t be with me if I was “heel”.
You all know I’m not a heel. I just don’t like Daniel Bryan. You can’t like everyone.
Lethal, I love what you’re doing with Power Hour. I never watched that show before, but you’ve made it real and important. But though, you gotta choose an opponent man. Wrestlemania is coming and each and every one of you WILL be defending your titles.
Lethal – Don’t worry about me John. I got plans. In fact, my opponent for Wrestlemania will be announced on MY show, The Power Hour, next week.
Barrett – And I’ve got all but one of my opponents all set.
John – It’s not gonna be easy for you at Mania dude, but you’ve got it. Since I took you under my wing man, you’ve really taken a leap in your ability. Now you are most definitely the greatest IC Champion in the history of the WWE.
Barrett – Yeah, I am. In fact I’ve got a little exhibition match up next, just to show everyone in the ladder match, everyone in the back, all the young kids coming up and even you John, what I’m made of.
John – I’ve got a little surprise tonight myself. I think it’s time I got in the ring and defended my title.
John pats Barrett on the shoulder and leaves The Cenation looking perplexed. I guess we’ve got a title match here tonight! (100)
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Bad News – Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Bad News Barrett and I am your Intercontinental Champion! In just two weeks time, I will be facing five other men in a Ladder Match to retain my title, but before that I thought it was worth showcasing some skills, and putting some kid down a peg or two at the same time.
NXT is the “future” of this company, but I am the present of this company and I think it’s important that these NXT rookies get that message, so I’ve had one of them sent up to the Main Roster for tonight, for the chance to wrestle a champion on this company’s flagship show. So send him out!
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No Way Jose is here on Raw! One of the top stars from NXT and he is about to take on the IC Champion Bad News Barrett!
Jose went for Barrett, who cracked him over the head with the IC title before the bell. Jose went down like a lead church and Barrett threw him around the ring for a while before ending the suffering with a Wasteland for the pin.
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In a bout that had sub-par wrestling and little heat, Bad News Barrett defeated No Way Jose in 7:30 by pinfall with a Wasteland.
Barrett points to the Mania sign and slaps his title before stepping over Jose.
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Goldust – EDGE!
The Bizarre One appears on the Titantron. He’s in a warehouse or something. Parts of it are on fire.
Goldust – Edge Edge Edge… The Rated ECW Superstar! You hold on to your belt like grim death and yet death comes for you. The End is coming for you. You won that belt by destroying your former friend, Matt Hardy, and you won it to be allowed back into The Gilded. You won it to punish Matt Hardy. You won it for NOTHING and you hold it out of SPITE! You don’t want the ECW title. You don’t NEED the ECW title! I DO!
The Hardcore Title gave my life meaning and purpose for the first time in years and it has been twisted and changed, just like me. We MUST be reunited! It’s the one thing, the only thing, that can finally wake me up from this living nightmare! For that to happen there must be suffering, yours and mine, for only through suffering can true peace be achieved. I have chosen the type of our battle at Wrestlemania, Edge.
The House of Fun Match!
One, or both, of us will be irreparably changed. One or both of us will be forever scarred. But only one of us can be the ECW Champion. Just how much do you want it Edge?
Welcome to the House of Fun!
Jerry – What in God’s name is a House of Fun Match?
Joey – Well if you’d ever watched ECW King…
Jerry – Extremely Crappy Wrestling
Joey – No, shut up, but the House of Fun match is utter mayhem. It was invented by Raven, who you may remember from the Barbed Wire Death Match for the ECW Title last year.
Mick – Oh it’s Chaos Joey. Edge is gonna have the fight of his life going into that match.
Joey – Well speaking of, former World Heavyweight Champion Christian has the fight of his life coming at Mania also, when he goes against Kane in an Inferno Match, but before then he’s got a challenge on his hands tonight, against Sami Zayn.
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OLE OLE! Sami was all over Rusev earlier tonight, which is hardly surprising since they’ve been smacking the piss out of each other all damn year for no reason.
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Both these men have huge matches at Mania, and both have something to prove here tonight.
The Underdog from the Underground obviously hates Christian, because everyone does because he’s an asshole, Sami mimes his arm being lit on fire and starts waving it around to put it out. Christian is not impressed, and kicks him in the legs. Sami needs to remember that Christian was World Champion for most of last year and has held damn near every title in the business.
In a bout that had superb wrestling and great heat, Christian was overcoming Sami Zayn in the ring, using his ring veteran know how to keep his momentum up. Sami is a never say die kind of dude though, and the battle is taking it out of both of them, until Christian spots an opening and BOSH… KILLSWITCH!
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The Monster Kane is here! Christian keeps his eye on Sami, refusing to be distracted, but then Kane makes the ring posts explode and it’s hard to ignore that.
Sami gets to his feet and hits a suplex, but Christian lands on his feet and dropkicks Sami to the mat. He’s right back up, on the offensive. Kane is just standing there on the ramp. He points at Christian, and the ring is suddenly circled in fire. Christian is trapped, freaking out.
Sami isn’t too happy about it either, and the two men are back to back in the ring trying to avoid winding up a-fucking-blaze.
Kane slowly walks off, leaving them to it.
The fire goes out as soon as he’s gone, and Sami spins Christian around into a Blue Thunder Bomb!
1… 2… 3!
Sami Zayn defeated Christian Cage in 12:41 by pinfall after a distraction from Kane.
(Christian 88, Sami Zayn 92)
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Back from a commercial about peas we find ourselves in Paul Heyman’s office once more, where he’s visited by The Man from Power Hour Damien Sandow!
Sandow – Hey Paul, look…
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Paul – I know why you’re here Mr Sandow. Last week you got a pinfall victory over the number one contender for the World Heavyweight title, Daniel Bryan, and now you want some sort of opportunity or boost, correct?
Sandow – You’re a smart man Paul. In fact I’d say I consider you an intellectual equal. What I want is what everyone seems to want. I want to be int hat Ladder match at Mania.
Paul – I thought you might. now obviously despite your impressive victory, I can’t just put you in that match. Even if you didn’t win by, let’s say dusty means, you’d still have to qualify like everyone else. As it happens I’ve been looking for an opponent for another superstar who wants a chance at the IC title, so next week you’ll be taking him on and whomever wins goes forward to Mania. Sound fair?
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Sandow – Fine. Fine. Just don’t do to me what you did to Bubba. I’m not taking on Jericho, he already lost tonight.
Paul – No, it’s not Jericho. You’re right, he’s already out of the match. You’ll be taking on Shelton Benjamin.
Sandow – WHAT?!
Paul just walks off.
Sandow – … DAMNIT!
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The Champ is here!
John Cena apparently has a title defence here tonight. We have no idea who it’s against though.
Cena – Ladies and Gentlemen of Raw, the Champ is Here! My name is John Cena, which you know. At Wrestlemania I will once again be in the main event, defending my World Heavyweight Title against Daniel Bryan… or will I? See since I became champion I have done everything I can to foster an atmosphere of competition and contest on Raw. Every title will be defended at Wrestlemania and that’s because of me. If you’re looking forward to the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match, then you have me to thank.
The crowd boo and tell Cena he sucks. John twitches and grits his teeth, because he hates it, but he’s a pro so he gets back to his speech.
Cena – Bad News Barrett, Jay Lethal, Amazing Kong, reDragon and even Edge. Every title defended at the showcase of the immortals. Now what kind of Champ would I be if I didn’t practice what I preached. There’s a superstar in the back who was promised a title match a long time ago, and now’s his chance. I’ve spoken to his manager, the contracts are signed, so get him out here. The following contest is set for ONE FALL! And is for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!
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Cena – Introducing first, the champion. From West Newbury, Massachusetts, Weighing in at 251lbs… JEEEEEEOOOOOOHNNN CE-NAAAAAA!!
Cena – and the challenger. From Plovdiv, Bulgaria, weighing in at 138kg, accompanied to the ring by his manager Jake “The Snake” Roberts…
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Joey – Rusev was awarded a future title shot after being the last man standing at the traditional Survivor Series match last year, but Jake Roberts brokered a kind of peace agreement with Christian, and Rusev’s title shot went on the back burner.
Jerry – And we’re gonna see it finally here right now! It’s a Wrestlemania Rematch from a couple of years ago.
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In a good match, Rusev challenged John Cena for the World Heavyweight Title!
The Bulgarian Brute, cheers on by Jake the Snake, brought it to Cena. The two men have had countless battles in the past, and know each other very well. Rusev charges off the ropes and drops Cena with a steam train of a clothesline! He’s bringing the power to the champ, locking in the Accolade!
Rusev is one tap away from the World Title! If John Cena taps he loses the belt and we’re looking at a whole new Mania Main Event!
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The Challenger is here!
Rusev keeps the Accolade locked in, but Cena manages to get a finger on the ropes and the ref forces a break.
Cena looks like he’s gonna march up the ramp and pull Daniel’s beard off his face, but Jake begs him not to. He tells him the match goes on! He knew this would happen, and he’s planned for it.
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Big E goes right for Daniel, and the two old rivals battle back and forth on the ramp.
Jake screams at the ref to keep this match going, and Rusev gets the ball rolling by super kicking Cena in the chin.
1… 2… OOOOH!
The Champ kicks out and his title is still alive, just barely. Cena is struggling to concentrate, with Daniel Bryan so close at the top of the ramp, and Rusev manages to get a lot of offence on him as a result. It’s looking we’re gonna get a new…
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Sami bloody Zayn! He Helluva kicks Rusev and, despite Jake Robert’s screaming, the ref calls for the bell and the match is over.
Your winner by disqualification, Rusev! Meaning still your World Heavyweight Champion, John Cena!
Jerry – That Idiot Sami Zayn just ruined the whole match!
Joey – It was probably gonna descend into chaos sooner rather than later. Daniel Bryan is still fighting Big E on the ramp.
No he’s not. Daniel has broken free and raced to the ring, Cena jumps out to meet him and they start battering each other at ringside, while Rusev kicks the shit out of Sami Zayn.
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Paul Heyman marches out with a real purpose.
Heyman – Good Evening everyone. I’m sorry to interrupt this meaningless brawl, but I have an announcement. For the next two weeks, I will be taking a leave of absence from Monday Night Raw to focus on Wrestlemania preparation, and also… another thing. You’ll find out. Anyway, since I’m not going to be here and since you people keep falling into nonsense, how about this; I’m appointing a temporary General Manager for Raw next week.
John Cena.
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Cena – Great idea Paul. I’ll lead Raw on the right path to Wrestlemania!
Paul – Well, part of the way. Because while you are General Manager next week, the following week I’d like to leave someone else in charge. Daniel Bryan.
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Paul – and as far as I’m concerned, you people can do whatever the hell you want for the next two weeks. Wrestlemania is the goal, and that needs my full attention. The matches are more or less made, so you can run the asylum for a couple of weeks. Have fun. Don’t kill each other.
Overall… 85

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