Joey – Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to Monday Night Raw! We are only two weeks out from Wrestlemania 33 and things are really hotting up. Last night on Power Hour we saw Jey Fatu and Stixx entered into the European Title match against Jay Lethal, and tonight we’ll see Samoa Joe take on his “hand picked” opponent for the last spot in the match.
Mick – Also our boss Paul Heyman is gone for two weeks to deal with “something” he won’t tell anyone about, so tonight our General Manager is none other than World Heavyweight Champion John Cena.
Jerry – This is great Mick! Cena is all about competition, so I cannot WAIT to see what he’s got in store, particularly for Daniel Bryan who he absolutely hates.
Cena is here, and the crowd get down to some serious booing. Women, children, men. Everyone united in their hatred for the World Heavyweight Champion.
He doesn’t seem to give a shit this time. Massive smile on his face as he approaches a podium on the ramp.
Cena – The Champ Is Here!
The Champ, and the General Manager, because for one night only I’m gonna run this show the way it should be. Contest, competition, back to the real Monday Night Raw of old where wrestlers wrestled and probles got sorted out in the ring. Or by throwing someone through a window backstage.
We already have two matches booked on the Road to Wrestlemania, where I will retain my title against internet darling and flash in the pan favourite Daniel Bryan.
YES! YES! YES! YES!
Cena – You’re just proving me right. You chant Yes now, but you used to chant WHAT and before that you chanted for Hogan. Everyone’s time comes and goes, but no one in the history of this business has been on top as long as me. 15 years at the head of the table. Austin was out in in 7 years. The Rock even less than that. And once Daniel Bryan is gone from the WWE and from all your memories I will still be in this ring, holding this title, being the best.
NO! NO! NO! NO!
CENA SUCKS! CENA SUCK! CENA SUCKS!
Cena – Yeah yeah. I got plans for your boy Daniel tonight, but as I said we already have some matches booked. Samoa Joe takes on a mystery opponent, plus Damien Sandow has a match with Shelton Benjamin for a place in my right hand man Bad News Barrett’s Intercontinental Title Ladder Match! Let’s get on with this.
In a bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, Paige defeated Mickie James in 8:24 by submission with a Scorpion Cross Lock.
As Paige celebrates getting a W back over Mickie James, Joey Styles lets us know that tonight we will finally hear from The Undertaker!
Not seen on Raw since his Hell in a Cell match with Kane at Lockdown, The Undertaker appeared at Smackdown’s Elimination Chamber show and has since been haunting the Icon Sting. Well apparently tonight, we’re gonna find out why.
Next up we have a hold over from The Power Hour, so let’s pass the mic to your European Champion, Jay Lethal.
Lethal – Yes now! I am Jay Lethal, your European Champion and the grand master of the Power Hour, now shown in America. Last night I put together a little tournament to decide my opponents for Wrestlemania, and so far Stixx and Jey Fatu have made it through the specially chosen superstars. Unfortunately my old friend and tag team partner Consequences Creed was unable to get the better of the NXT Champion Bo Dallas, so he is OUT! Too bad. So bad. Goodbye.
To tonight, the final man to maybe get into the match. His name is Samoa Joe. So let’s get him on out here! JOSEPH!
Joe stomps to the ring, already looking pissed off even though nothing’s happened yet. Lethal keeps his distance in the ring.
Lethal – Samoan Joey, welcome to Raw! So last night I told you I had the perfect challenger for you, and that he’d be ready to face you here tonight, and I don’t tell no lies Joe. He’s here! And if you can beat him, you’ll join the three of us to make that Mania match a Fatal 4Way Elimination for the European Title! Exciting isn’t it?
Joe just glares at him.
Lethal – I think it is. So without further ado, I’d like you to meet your challenger…
Somebody gonna get they wig split!
It’s the World’s Strongest Man, former World Heavyweight and ECW Champion, Mark Henry!
Mark’s been training our next generation of Superstars down in NXT and he looks ready for a real fight here tonight.
Jay – So yeah, good luck.
EUROPEAN TITLE QUALIFIER!
In a bout that had decent wrestling but didn’t have much heat, Samoa Joe defeated Mark Henry in 11:14 by pinfall.
Samoa Joe has done it! He’s bested the World’s Strongest Man and he is going to Wrestlemania!
Jay doesn’t look that happy about, and he’s even less pleased when Stixx and Jey Fatu hit the ring. The four men stare each other down, then it all kicks off. Samoa Joe attacks Jay, Stixx attacks Fatu, and it’s chuffing chaos. Somehow Jay manages to extract himself from the fight and he grabs his title and runs off up the ramp. The fight calms down without him to focus on, and the remaining Wrestlemania opponents back off and each disappear their own way.
Bobby Fish and Kyle O’Reilly, the Universal Tag Team Champions, cut a promo on the attack last week on Big Day.
Kyle – We want to know who you idiots are! Because while Big Day were technically our challengers, we liked them. Kofi is a good dude and Big Show might be the nicest enormous monster you’ll ever meet.
Bobby – We were looking forward to taking them on at Wrestlemania for the titles, and whomever took them out last week has robbed us of that enjoyment.
Kyle – Big Show tore his rotator cuff and Kofi got a severe concussion, so they are both out of Wrestlemania and out of the ring indefinitely. This is a competitive division but so far everyone has stepped up to our faces to challenge us.
Bobby – It’s obvious you attacked Show and Kofi because you wanted to take their spot, but they earned that spot and all you’ve earned is a beat down. So unless you’re yellow cowards, reDragon cordially invites you to step forward, identify yourselves, and accepts this challenge…
Kyle – Us versus you, but not at Mania and not for the titles, because you don’t deserve shit. Next week on Raw. Take us on. Let’s see who you are and what you’re made off.
The Guerillas of Destiny!!
Tama Tonga and Tonga Roa burst out of the crowd and get the drop on reDragon. Tama flattens Kyle with a short arm lariat, then the brothers snatch up Bobby and drop him with the Guerilla Warfare
The Guerillas have dismantled reDragon here tonight, and to add insult to injury the latest addition to the Raw Tag Team Division grab up the Universal Tag Titles, pose like bastards, then strut off with the belts.
Joey – What the shit was that?
Mick – That was Tama Tonga and Tonga Roa, The Guerillas of Destiny from New Japan, coming in here and making off with our Raw Universal Tag Titles.
Jerry – And kicking the hell out of the champs to boot!
Backstage we find Cena, the Raw GM, strutting around looking for someone. He asks a load of stage hands, but soon runs across the man he’s looking for…
The Awakened One, Goldust!
Cena – Goldust, just the man. So check it out, I’ve got a little bad blood with Christian and his little buddy Edge.
Cena – Yeah, exactly. You hate Edge, I hate them both, so I’m thinking to myself what would a General Manager do and then it hits me… a tag match! Of course! Edge and Christian, facing off against their Wrestlemania rivals, you and Kane!
Goldust jumps back, starts to visibly shake, and collapses to his knees and starts to scream.
Cena – Er…. OK. Maybe not. Jesus. I guess I’ll find someone else. But look man, how about a match anyway? What about you take on Bully Bubba Ray instead? That make you happy?
It does. Goldust gets up, stops screaming, and walks off.
Cena – No wonder Paul needed a couple of weeks off. Christ.
In a bout that had good wrestling and a decent reaction from the crowd, Goldust took on Bully Bubba Ray. The match a straight bloodbath, with Bully going in hard to prove his new aggression and Goldust just being a pain freak maniac.
The battered each other all over the place. leaving the ring and smashing one another’s heads on the announce table. It’s like they finally find someone else who could handle all the punishment and they really got into it. Both men got busted wide open and ultimately Goldust drew with Bully Bubba Ray in 11:33 following a double disqualification. The referee demanded they stop slamming each other’s heads into the ring posts, and when neither men stopped he called for the bell.
Joey – Good lord. This was just hard to watch.
Mick – I feel sorry for Edge now kinda.
Jerry – Never mind him. What about the other poor souls in the IC Title Ladder match. Those are no DQ!
John Cena is in his office when Jay Lethal, your European Champion, comes in.
Cena – Lethal! What’s up man. Really digging The Power Hour. That Fatal 4Way at Mania is gonna be off the hook.
Lethal – Hey thanks John. Appreciate that.
Cena – So look, you know I’m the GM for tonight right? Well last week I put my title on the line against Rusev, to pay off the shot he earned at Survivor Series, and things didn’t go down right. Sami Zayn came down, Daniel Bryan came down, the whole thing was a shitshow and that’s now the show I wanna run. Competition and contest in the WWE, so I feel like Rusev is still owed a title shot.
Lethal – Sure thing man, I agree.
Cena – Great. But since I don’t want this match falling into DQ or getting thrown out, it can’t be the WHW Title. Daniel would just come down. And it can’t be the IC title since Bad News put a huge cross on his head with five other guys. So I booked a title match for your European title against Rusev tonight. Cool?
It’s clear that this is not cool with Jay, at all, but John just says thanks and shakes his hand and leaves the room.
Joey – Well there it is! Rusev v Jay Lethal for the European Title tonight on Raw!
Mick – Lethal didn’t look too happy, but what’s he gonna do? Argue with John Cena?
Joey – GAH!
Undertaker – Sting! The Icon.
From Every Man’s Nightmare. The WCW Locker Room Leader. The Judge of TNA Wrestler’s Court.
You and I are a lot alike Sting. A long distinguished career in this industry. Mine in the WWE, yours in WCW and TNA.
But now you’re here, in my yard. There was a time when I considered not crossing our paths. You stay on Smackdown, I say on Raw, but then my brother Kane opened my eyes. He showed me that the WWE is suffering from a disease. A cancer. And the only cure is destruction.
You, Sting, are not part of that disease, but for me to begin my brother’s crusade I can have no distractions.
At Wrestlemania, I invite you to face me for the first time, and for the last time.
My career on the line, your career on the line.
Sting… there can be only one.
Joey – King, this is HUGE! The Undertaker doesn’t just want to fight Sting, he wants his career!
Jerry – Sting can, and should, say no. There’s nothing to gain from taking on The Phenom. He already retired Shawn Michaels.
Mick – The Undertaker shaved literal years off my career. Sting would do well to really consider this before he answers.
Joey – Well next up we have a match between Rusev and someone who wasn’t even given the choice, European Champion Jay Lethal.
RUSEV UDRYA! RUSEV MACHKA!
Accompanied to the ring by his manager, Jake The Snake Roberts, The Bulgarian Brute Rusev rips down the ring. He is pumped as fuck and looks like he’s ready to pull someone’s ribs out one by one.
Jay Lethal pretty slowly makes his way down to the ring. He doesn’t want to be here, but he’s making a good show of it.
Joey – Man, Lethal is not into this match at all.
Mick – I’m not surprised. Rusev is a monster, but Lethal’s been tangling with guys like Stixx and Samoa Joe on Power Hour, so he’s no stranger to going up against guys twice his size.
In a bout that had good wrestling and a decent reaction from the crowd, Rusev defeated Jay Lethal in 11:59 by submission with The Accolade.
Rusev Wins The European Title!
Jake Roberts climbs into the ring and raises his clients hand in victory!
Lethal cannot believe it. He appears legitimately shellshocked.
But who’s this…
Sami Zayn! Once again Sami gets into Rusev’s business, flattening the newly crowned European Champion and laying the boots into in a few times before Jake and some refs separate them.
Now that you’re all eating eggs, we return to Monday Night Raw where former European Champion Jay Lethal is pitching a fit in John Cena’s office.
Cena listens to him kicking off for a minute, then puts a hand up to stop him.
Cena – Look man, you can scream and shout all day long, but it doesn’t change the fact that I put you in a match and you lost. You lost your title, two weeks before Wrestlemania, and since you don’t have a title anymore…
Bad News appears out of nowhere and hits Jay with a Bullhammer, smashing him to the floor. He kicks seven shades of shit out of Lethal and pulls some shit on top of him for good measure.
Cena – Sorry Jay, but I’m not Christian and this is not The Gilded. No leeway. You lose, you’re out.
Barrett – John, Quick one but if Rusev’s the European champion now, what happens with the Fatal 4way at Mania? And more importantly, what happens with my Ladder match? He can’t be in both.
Cena – Not my problem. Let next week’s General manager deal with it.
Damien Sandow is up next, ready to face Shelton Benjamin for the final place in the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match at Wrestlemania!
Sandow defeated Daniel Bryan, in sketchy circumstances, in the main event of Raw a couple of weeks ago to get this shot.
Shelton is ready to roll here. He wants in that match.
In a bout that had great heat and good wrestling, Shelton Benjamin put Damien Sandow through a mat wrestling torture session. He stretches the poor swine all over the ring, with Sandow only narrowly getting to the ropes or wriggling out of holds. The Man from the Power Hour used his size advantage where possible to take Shelton off his feet, but Benjamin is the best pure athlete in the WWE so it’s not about knocking him down. It’s getting him to stay down that’s the problem.
Last week Shelton cost Jericho his shot against Bubba Dudley. And now here he is to get a receipt.
Shelton tells the ref to keep Jericho out of the ring, and the match actually continues. None of this distraction bullshit.
Sandow even looks pissed off, telling Jericho to get the hell out and let them have their match. Jericho calls Sandow a stupid idiot.
Damien rolls out of the ring and squares up to Jericho, who brushes him off. So Sandow hits a discuss elbow and drops Jericho on his stupid ass.
The crowd goes nuts for it, and Sandow gets back in the ring to restart the match proper.
They lock up, Shelton hits a T-Bone suplex for the pin. 1… 2… Nope!
Shelton is shocked, Sandow is up and BOOM!
Terminus straight jacket neck breaker!
Sandow pins Shelton… 1… 2… Shelton gets his foot on the rope. Jericho knocks it back off.
Damien Sandow defeated Shelton Benjamin in 15:22 by pinfall following interference from Chris Jericho.
Both Shelton and Sandow are fucked off about how the match went, and they go for Jericho. Chris runs around the ring, gets inside, meets Sandow and hits the Code Breaker!
Shelton grabs him, Jericho escapes, PAY DIRT! Jericho is down, Shelton stands tall but it doesn’t matter. Damien Sandow is going through to Wrestlemania!
John Cena bumps into Daniel Bryan backstage, and Bryan is on his guard, but Cena looks relaxed.
Cena – Easy tough guy. I already kicked someone’s ass today.
Daniel – Yeah I saw. Probably could’ve warned Jay about your shifting loyalty.
Cena – Real funny. Look here, I wanted to use my night in charge to get a measure of revenge against Christian and Edge. I know you want that too, and since Goldust had a nervous breakdown when I asked him, I’ve decided you’re gonna partner up with Kane to teach them a lesson.
Daniel – And if I don’t?
Cena – You will. Daniel Bryan back away from a fight? I don’t think so chief. Good luck out there.
Amazing Kong is in the ring with a microphone. She claims that she is so good that she cannot be defeated by anyone, and so she is making an open challenge for Wrestlemania. She wants an opponent, someone who can give her some real competition. If no one steps forward, she’ll come back there and grab the first women she sees and beat her down instead. ( 95 )
Joey – What the hell is that?
Joey – It’s Asuka! The former NXT Women’s Champion!
Asuka appears on the Titantron, grinning from ear to ear.
Asuka – I accept.
Then she disappears again. Amazing Kong could not be happier.
Kong – Deal.
Joey – Oh My God! Just like that? At Wrestlemania we’re gonna see Asuka’s main roster debut, taking on Amazing Kong for the Universal Women’s Title!
Mick – There is a lot going on tonight.
Jerry – Not least of all our Main Event, thrown at the participants by General Manager John Cena. Edge and Christian will team up again to face another former tag team, Daniel Bryan and Kane!
Here we go!
Daniel Bryan and the monster Kane, reunited, make their way down the ring. Bryan keeps his eye on Kane, who has been a force of nature in the WWE for the past year or so.
In a bout that had sensational wrestling and great heat, Kane and Daniel Bryan defeated Edge and Christian Cage in 17:07 when Daniel Bryan defeated Christian Cage by pinfall with a Busaiku Knee Kick.
(Edge 100, Daniel Bryan 100, Christian 100, Kane 89)
Cena appears at the top of the ramp and gives Bryan a small round of applause. The prick.
Joey – That’s gonna do it for us folks, and it’s a lot to take in! We’re just one Raw now away from Wrestlemania, and that Raw will be run by none other than Daniel Bryan. See you then!