Power Hour, Week 1 April 2017

In a terrible pre-show match, Naomi defeated Becky Lynch in 8:06 by pinfall with a Nightfalls.


In a pre-show bout that had decent wrestling but non-existent crowd heat, The Briscoes defeated Free Ryder in 9:03 when Jay Briscoe defeated Brian Freeman by pinfall with a Crucible.


We see a video hyping the events of the massive European Title Fatal 5Way match, specifically Jay Lethal being put through a fucking jeep window and Rusev retaining his title by submitting Samoa Joe.

Renee – Ladies and Gentlemen we are barely 24 hours removed from Wrestlemania 33 and there is A LOT to be getting on with. Paul Heyman and Smackdown General Manager

Jim Ross made it clear there’s to be a Superstar Draft next week beginning on Monday Night Raw, so this could be one of the last times you see some of these superstars here on The Power Hour.

Regal – You’re bob on Renee. I spoke to Paul and all the trades are done and dusted. The only people who know who’s going where are Paul and Jim themselves. Until then, we’ve got some other things to deal with.


It’s Stixx!

The Heavyweight House of Pain makes his way to the ring and cuts a promo on how amazing it was to wrestle in his first ever Wrestlemania match. Stixx says it’s been a dream of his since he first stepped in the ring and even though he came up short, he’s grateful to have been able to perform on the grandest stage of them all.


The EU Champion, flanked as ever by his manager Jake “The Snake” Roberts, interrupts Stixx.


Jake – For those of you who only speak one language, my client the European Champion would like to know what exactly this LOSER is doing standing in HIS ring! See there’s a precedent here Stixx. The European Champion runs this show. The former champions… well they go away. Take Jay Lethal for instance.

The crowd chant GET WELL JAY, but Jake ignores them.

Jake – Rusev made him go away, and he will make YOU go away if you don’t make yourself go away first.

Stixx considers this. Rubs his chin. Weighs up the idea.

Stixx – How’s about I make my fist go away, down your client’s throat! How about I make my boot go away, up your clients arse! And how about after that I tie my laces in the middle of him.

Rusev starts charging to the ring, but Jake gets in his way. They have a quick, angry conversation. The Snake calms Rusev down and turns back to Stixx.

Jake – Boy, you’re an idiot, but you’re a tough idiot and I must say I respect that. Unfortunately my hands are full what with managing TWO of Raw’s premiere champions, so I’m afraid I won’t be able to take you on as a client. But my client will be happy to take you on as an opponent tonight!

Stixx – Bang on!

Renee – There it is! Our first match made post-Mania. The former EU Champion Stixx will go one on one with the current EU Champion, Rusev!

Regal – That’s a main event and a half Renee. Stixx is a good lad, and he’s a big lad, but Rusev is a chuffing monster.

Renee – Oh great, speaking of monsters… hello Jake.

Jake “The Snake” joins Renee and Regal at the commentary desk, taking up the 3rd position.

Jake – Hello to you Renee, and to yourself also Mr Regal. Isn’t a damn fine night to associated with me?

Regal – I suppose. Big E and Rusev are doing well for themselves.

Jake – Indeed. And I’m not finished.

A video plays hyping the unbelievable match between Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena for the World Heavyweight Championship last night. John cemented his position as Champion by outworking Daniel and reversing into a Code Red for the pin, which left the Mania audience livid and Cena himself delighted.

Renee – Tomorrow night on Raw, defending Champion John Cena will…

Jake – Tomorrow, tomorrow, we’ll love John tomorrow. We live not in the past, Renee, but the present. Now is the hour, and the power is mine to wield. Watch, as my influence works its magic on another of my clients.

Paige is here, following a big win at Wrestlemania in the preshow Women’s Division Battle Royal.

Paige – Hello. My name’s Paige and I am a former Divas Champion and a former Universal Women’s Champion. Now I know there’s already been an English wrestler who lost their title out here tonight, but unlike the Heavyweight House of Pancakes, I actually won my match last night at Wrestlemania!


Paige – Yeah yeah, chant all you want. If I come down there and talk to one of you face to face you’d get such a rock on you wouldn’t be able to shut your eyes. So button it.

Regal – Lovely girl.

Jake – You don’t get anywhere in this business being lovely William. Paige is the same as you. Born Naughty.

Paige – Since I won last night, and since Asuka lost, I reckon that puts me at the top of the ladder to contest for the Universal Women’s Championship. Except I’m not stupid. I’ve already wrestled Amazing Kong and she already put me through a frigging table and onto the shelf for months. Don’t much fancy going through that again, so while I wait for someone to take down the beast there’s another little irritant I want to deal with. Her name’s Bayley.


Paige – STOP SINGING! I hate that song and I hate Bayley! Why’s she also so BLOODY cheerful! This business is pain and aches and endless travel. Anyone still smiling at the end of that is either a moron or a liar. I want to find out which one Bayley is tonight! If she’s a moron, she’ll come down here and fight me. If she’s a liar, then she’ll stay back there and off the cameras in case we see her stupid cheesy grin fade off her stupid cheesy face.

Regal – Get ready for some Hug Life Renee.

Jake – I’m ashamed of you William.

Renee – That’s saying something.

Bayley dances down to the ring and faces Paige, points at her own face and grins ear to ear.

Paige – Moron it is!


In a decent match, Bayley defeated Paige in 9:19 by pinfall with a quick cradle.

Post-match, Paige is beside herself angry. She’s complaining to the ref that Bayley cheated. She’d rolled her up. It was a cheap pin. It was bollocks!

Bayley gets Paige’s attention and points at her face again, smiling her head off. She shrugs and dances off to high five little girls, leaving Paige having a massive paddy in the ring.

Kofi Kingston comes out to a huge pop, and explains that last night he taught the Guerrillas of Destiny a little something about respect. They lost to reDragon because of him, and now they’re where they should be. Bottom of the ladder. You don’t just come into the WWE and demand a title match. You have to earn it, like he and The Big Show did.

They’ll get their match with reDragon. Kyle O’Reilly and Bobby Fish have promised Big Day a title match whenever they want one. But first he’d like to put GoD behind him. Since Big Show is still injured after their attack, a tag match is currently out of the question. So whichever one of you is back there and ready to go, come on down and get some Trouble in Paradise!

In a bout that had sub-par wrestling and little heat, Kofi Kingston defeated Tonga Roa in 8:29 by pinfall with a Trouble in Paradise.

After the match, Tama Tonga came from the crowd and attacked Kofi Kingston. The GoD battered Kofi around the ring, then hoofed him up to delivery Guerrilla Warfare, but Kofi used his quickness and ring sense to grab the top rope and pull himself free, landing like a cat on the floor below.

He shakes his finger at them. No no no, not today.

Tama Tonga holds his brother Tona Roa back as Kofi taunts them from the ramp.

Renee – And we’re back. Don’t forget… Eat Mangoes.

Regal – Jesus.

Renee – Our next match is our Main Event for tonight. The EU Champion Rusev will take on Stixx after an altercation at the top of the show.

Stixx gives a tip of the cap to Regal, then flicks the V’s at Jake the Snake.

Jake – What’s that? What does that mean?

Regal – Look it up pal.

The EU Champion makes his entrance, after the challenger because that’s how it’s fucking supposed to be done, looking pumped and in the mood to smash someone’s face in.

In a bout that had good wrestling and a decent reaction from the crowd, Stixx took on Rusev in a technical British Strong Style bout worthy of the European Title. Hard hitting, stiff as a board, limb twisting, stretch match as the two big men show off their actual mat skills.

Rusev gets Stixx in the Accolade, but he plans a foot, deadlifts the Bulgarian Brute and plants him with a Fireman’s Carry, stamps on his back and locks in the Beeston Crab!

Regal – Same move innit.

Rusev tries the same trick, but Stixx telegraphs it and mule kicks Rusev’s leg out from under him, giving him nowhere to go.

Stixx defeated Rusev in 13:26 by submission with the Beeston Crab.

Jake Roberts is up, getting in the ref’s face, but there’s nothing he can say.

Renee – Stixx has prevailed here tonight against the European Champion, and if I know anything about Rusev and his manager I can’t see this being the end of it. But it is the end of the night for us on Power Hour so on behalf of myself, William Regal, and not Jake Roberts, good night and we’ll see you next time.

Score – 79


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