Joey Styles – Ladies and Gentlemen WELCOME to the most important Monday Night Raw of the year! Tonight is the start of the 2017 Kernowverse Draft. Over the past two weeks, both our General Manager Paul Heyman and the Assistant GM of Smackdown, Jim Ross, were locked in secret negotiations to trade five superstars between them. That means Five superstars from Raw will move to Smackdown and vice versa.
Mick Foley – We’re not eligible as a broadcast team, meaning JBL and Corey Graves will be staying on Tuesday nights. Plus the Raw Women’s division was not discussed as currently Smackdown doesn’t have an equivalent division.
William Regal – More fool them. Our Women’s Division, particularly Universal Women’s Champion Amazing Kong, are a real feather in our cap on Raw.
Joey Styles – And apparently Jake “The Snake” Roberts has been able to work out a deal with Paul Heyman by which his clients, The Intercontinental Champion Big E Langston and the European Champion Rusev were not up for grabs.
Regal – Good for us I reckon. That means the IC and EU titles are going nowhere.
Joey – Speaking of which…
Mick – The Snake Agency.
Jake – Good evening, WWE Universe. My name is Jake Roberts and I am the greatest in-ring psychologist this business has ever seen. Since I retired, I have chosen to take on clients in a management agency and pass on my skills and know-how to the next generation. As you saw from my client last night on Power Hour, The European Champion Rusev, and as you can see from my client in the ring now, The Intercontinental Champion Big E Langston, my methods are sound.
Big E – Doesn’t matter what happens tonight. Doesn’t matter who comes at me! I took out five men and scaled a 16 foot ladder to pull down this title. I’m never giving it up. Last week I beat Sami Zayn, and he’s one of the best wrestlers in this generation. I’ve beat Shelton Benjamin, and last week he beat the World Heavyweight Champion straight up. I beat…
Joey – OH MY GOD!!
Mick – Dean Ambrose!
William – It is Dean Ambrose as well. The former Apostle!
Ambrose – You haven’t beat me.
Ambrose – Hi. My name’s Dean Ambrose. I’m er… I’m new here. I used to be Intercontinental Champion myself actually. It’s a good looking belt right? Maybe… maybe I take it back from you? How does that sound?
Big E doesn’t think it sounds too good, but again Jake holds him back like he held back Rusev on Power Hour.
Jake – My client isn’t accepting challengers right now.
Ambrose – Oh, oh ok. That’s cool, I’m sorry. Like I said, I’m new, don’t know all the rules. Things must’ve changed a lot because back when I was champion I used to fight people, but I guess now the champion just kind of stands there sort of displaying the belt. Like a shelf. Hey don’t be mad. You’re a real meaty looking shelf man.
Big E is pretty upset by this, and bellows for Dean to come and get him, but Ambrose just smirks at him and waves, then leaves the stage.
Joey – Ambrose said he was new.
Mick – Does this mean what I think it means?
Joey – Well that graphic is pretty on the nose. Looks like Dean Ambrose is here to stay! (95)
Backstage, Amazing Kong is watching the broadcast while standing up next to the TV instead of sitting down like a normal person would. She seems amused by the news of Dean Ambrose being drafted to Raw. It’s at this point she’s confronted by Becky Lynch.
Becky – Hey! You put me out for weeks! Nearly wrecked my career.
Kong – And you learned nothing. Stay in your lane woman, or you get run down.
Becky – Yeah well, I’m happy to step back out into traffic, since you can’t exactly run us all down.
Natalya Neidhart and Mickie James! Before Kong can do anything, they go for her. All three women have been injured by Amazing Kong before now, and it looks like they’ve realise the only way to take down a mammoth is in a pack. They attack Kong together and manage to get her down to one knee, but the Women’s Champion is still a fucking tank and she throws them off, forced to make her escape rather than take them all on at once.
LETTUCE!
Back from commercial, Amazing Kong bursts into Paul Heyman’s office kicking off about being attacked.
Paul – Look, I absolutely sympathise but you had to know this would happen. You’ve been beating up every woman who crosses your path for almost a year. One, two, three at a time in the ring. You’ve been defending your Universal Women’s title, but what you’ve also been doing is creating enemies.
Kong – I don’t give a shit about that! I beat every one of these women before when it was just business, but now it would be my absolutely pleasure to do it again. Book it.
Paul – I’m not booking you in a 3 on 1 handicap match. Not again. What I will do is book you in a SINGLES match with any of the women who attacked you, next week. Your choice.
Kong – Lynch. Give me Becky Lynch, but just so you know… I will be back for the rest.
A video plays recapping the Power Hour, where recently signed Christopher Daniels interrupted EU Champion Rusev, making his intentions on Power Hour pretty clear.
Joey – Last week we saw the return of Edge & Christian to the tag team division when they answered reDragon’s challenge for Challenge Night. E&C took a pinfall win over the Universal Tag Team Champions, and while they’re all still Raw, at least for the time being, I think it’s safe to say Edge and Christian are after the belts. As Christian makes his way down here for this singles match with Bobby Fish of reDragon, it’s worth noting that he’s not being accompanied to the ring by Edge.
Mick – And Bobby is without Kyle O’Reilly here. Any chance this is going to be a straight up match?
In a decent match, Christian faced Bobby Fish but when it became clear Christian was taking Fish lightly, he became frustrated and grabbed a chair. The ref made him drop it, but Edge rushed the ring and distracted him so Christian could hit a Killswitch onto the chair, for the 1, 2, 3. Christian defeated Bobby Fish in 11:47.
Kyle O’Reilly runs in and runs off Edge and Christian, for now.
WWECW Now available on the WWE Network! Remember when Sandman used to cane a vampire or a mummy every week, and we got a teenage girl to pretend to strip off? WWECW! Shitting on the legacy.
Bully Ray – Do you know who I am? I’m Bully Bubba Ray Dudley, and I am the ECW Champion! I’m the guy that beat Damien Sandow, that beat Jey Fatu, that beat Consequences Creed, that beat Samoa Joe, that beat Finn Balor to finally claim what has been mine all along, the ECW Title. I’m the guy that put his own brother, his oldest friend, out of commission FOR GOOD just to get ahead in this business.
The crowd chant D’VON! D’VON! D’VON!
Bully Ray – Chant all you want. He’s not coming back.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bully Ray – Shut up! Don’t talk! I hear you all running your mouths about how Chris Jericho handed me this title. He didn’t hand me nothing the same as no one ever handed me nothing. I am a 26 time Tag Team Champion, a TNA World Heavyweight Champion and a whole bunch of other titles you marks haven’t even heard of. It wasn’t last week, it would’ve been this week. If it wasn’t Heatwave 99, it would’ve been Money in the Bank 2017. If it wasn’t ECW on TNN it would’ve been Monday Night Raw on the USA Network it doesn’t matter when! I was ALWAYS going to be ECW Champion. See unlike… Edge. Unlike Goldust. Unlike Matt Hardy. I was actually in ECW. The real ECW. The ECW where a guy got stabbed in the ring. The ECW where a guy got paralysed. The ECW of Sandman, of New Jack, of Lance Storm, of Super Crazy, of Shane Douglas, of Taz and of me, Bully Ray Dudley!
Goldust may have had the thought in the bucket of broken glass he’s using for a mind that somehow he NEEDED the ECW Title. Well I don’t need it. I EARNED it!
Balor – You earned nuttin mate. People are saying Chris Jericho handed ya the title because he basically did. You’re out here going on and on about what ECW was, but if it was so great, if you were all so great, why’s that title in this company? Now I may paint my face on occasion, but I’m not Goldust. And I’m not Edge because my neck works and I’m not Matt Hardy because, as you can see, I’m not in rehab. You’re the ECW of the past, and thanks to Chris Jericho you’re the ECW of the present… but I’m what comes next.
Bully – Well why wait Balor. Why not make yourself the present, by getting your ass handed to you right now!
Balor doesn’t need much more invitation than that, and the brawl in the ring until Balor hits a shotgun dropkick on Bubba, and sends him rolling out of the ring and away. Bubba grabs up his ECW Title and makes for the back as if he’s bored of this whole encounter.
CABBAGE! Different to lettuce.
Joey – It’s been a mad night tonight so far, and we’re not even halfway through. Now I’m being told that, rather than appear as a surprise, that there’s a draft pick waiting in gorilla position to be introduced…
Mick – Well who Joey?
The NWA Champion, John Morrison!
Joey – Morrison won the NWA Championship Rumble at Mania to win one of the most prestigious titles in the business.
Old John-boy gets in the ring, hands over his NWA title, takes off his coat and glasses, and poses on the ropes.
Mick – Looks like he’s ready for a match here.
John Morrison – I’m ready for a match!
Mick – Knew it.
John Morrison – I’m not wasting a moment on Raw. I am the NWA Champion and that means I work! I beat some of the best people on Smackdown, from Impact, from New Japan, from Progress, to win this title! But I haven’t beat anyone from Raw, so send out who ever you got here.
BOOM!
John – Shit.
Joey – Shit indeed, because we haven’t seen Kane since his Inferno Match against Christian at Wrestlemania.
Mick – An inferno match he lost when Christian sprayed him with lighter fluid and set him on fire.
Regal – He lit him up a treat, and the effects are still showing look. Kane’s wearing a vest for the first time since he unmasked, most likely to protect his burns.
In a good match, NWA Champion and new Raw Draft Pick John Morrison took on The Big Red Machine, taking advantage of Kane’s injuries. John continued to chop, punch and rake Kane’s chest to inflict maximum damage to his burned skin. Kane battled through the pain like genuine maniac, dropping Morrison with a big boot and stomping his fucking teeth out. He lifted the NWA Champ for the Spinning Tombstone, but the friction on his skin caused him to let Morrison go. John ripped the vest off Kane and hit a slapping SUPERKICK to his red raw chest for the pin.
Joey – Well now, John Morrison has made a huge statement on his first night on Raw, picking up a win over Kane.
Regal – Not without its cost though. I think John might have a slight concussion from that boot by Kane. He looks like he’s having trouble focussing.
Mick – Kane should never have been out here Joey. I’ve been with guys like Terry Funk and Abdullah the Butcher after C4 matches and whatnot, and they’ve not been medically cleared for weeks.
Those collegiate drums can only mean the entrance of one man; Smackdown Assistant GM Good Ol’ JR Jim Ross!
Regal – Hang on, don’t tell me we’ve drafted their General Manager have we?
JR – It’s been a long time since I’ve been on Monday Night Raw, and I’d like to thank Paul Heyman for allowing me this time. You see when we agreed our trades for this draft, most of the paperwork was signed and locked prior to Wrestlemania weekend. I agreed to trade you, John Morrison, before I decided to put you in the NWA Rumble. I’m ashamed to say that with the wealth of international talent in that match, I saw your odds of walking away with the strap to be pretty slim. But you did it, you won, and that’s great for you. But I’m afraid it’s bad for Smackdown.
JR – When you came here, you brought the NWA Title with you, and that’s something I can’t have. I’m sorry to do this to you John, and I’m sorry to do it in this way, but business is business. I’ve been authorised to put you in a match for the NWA Title, against Smackdown’s first draft pick from Raw.
Joey – Samoa Joe! Samoa Joe is going to Smackdown!
Mick – And he might be going with John Morrison’s NWA Title. Morrison’s in no position to wrestle right now, he just took on Kane!
Joey – Doesn’t look like he’s got much of a choice.
In a decent match, Samoa Joe defeated John Morrison in 9:06 by pinfall, illegally using the ropes for leverage.
Samoa Joe wins the NWA World Heavyweight title!
Joey – And just like Raw loses the NWA Title back to Smackdown!
Mick – That’s pretty devious by Jim Ross though. I’ve never known Jim to be that cut throat a guy. Maybe the workings of Smackdown have changed him. I see Triple H’s influence there.
Regal – We may have lost a title belt, but we’ve gained John Morrison!
Your man Kofi Kingston is having a right old time in the back playing on a Wrestlemania arcade machine they’ve got set up there, probably by Consequences Creed. He’s just decided to play as Road Warrior Animal when these lads rock up…
Kofi puts his hands up, but there’s two of them and one of him and he’s soon getting his head bounced off the arcade. The GoD are about to put Kofi through the screen, when a big old hand grabs the back of Tama Tonga’s head.
Big Show – Remember me?
Big Show hurls Tama Tonga across the corridor like a half-filled sack of burgers. Tonga Roa throws some hands, but Show shrugs them off and punches the fucker in his painted face, knocking him spark out.
Joey – Big Show is back! And he’s not too keen on Guerrillas of Destiny!
In the ring, your boy Daniel Bryan is cutting himself a promo. He says he LOVES the WWE Draft. He loves the idea of fresh competition, fresh match ups, because he loves wrestling and wrestling thrives in the new, and so does he. If Jim Ross comes out at the end of this sentence and tells him he’s drafted to Smackdown then he’ll Monday Nights, but he will be delighted. There are some great guys on Smackdown who he has never wrestled, and that’s something to be excited about.
Then he waits, looking at the titantron, just in case JR is coming. Nothing happens, no JR, so Bryan shrugs happily and steps halfway out the ring…
The crowd goes all the way mental.
Daniel Bryan pops huge.
AJ gets into the ring and the two stand face to face. AJ nods. Daniel nods, and they both step back and take off their coats and t-shirts.
DING DING DING
In a bout that had superb wrestling and great heat, AJ Styles took on Daniel Bry… no wait no he didn’t.
The bell rang, they locked up, the crowd settled in on the edge of their seats for AJ Styles v Daniel Bryan. But this happens…
Joey – Come on! What the hell is he doing here?
Mick – Wow. Sheamus is about as welcome as a snake in a picnic basket.
Sheamus hits the ring, kicks AJ’s head off, snatches up Bryan and plants him with the Irish Curse Backbreaker. We ignore completely that The Irish Curse refers to having a small knob, because we’re American and we’ve got no idea about anything. His finisher could be called The Wanker’s Whiplash and we wouldn’t bat a fucking eyelid.
BANG! Bryan is down. AJ is down. Sheamus is standing tall in his new home…
Joey – The Raw Draft picks are having a serious impact here tonight guys. By my count that’s all bar one right?
Mick – We’ve had John Morrison, Dean Ambrose, AJ Styles and Sheamus now. So yeah, one more to come.
Regal – Plus don’t forget Smackdown have already drafted away Samoa Joe, a superb talent and former NXT Champion.
Joey – Yeah, and current NWA Champion.
Jericho – Welcome to…. RAW… IS… JERICHO! Like everyone else has been saying all damn night, this could be my last appearance on this show, which means next week The Highlight Reel could be coming to you with blue ring ropes and special guest… I dunno… Perfect Plié? With that in mind, and if it’s my last opportunity, I’d like to welcome my guest for tonight! He is The Man from Power Hour, which is a show and not a place, he is the man who didn’t win the IC Title Ladder Match and didn’t win the ECW Title scramble match all in one week… he is Damien Sandow!
No music plays, but Jericho rolls out of the ring, fumbles with a large flat box, manages to get it open and pulls out a slightly bent Damien Sandow cardboard cut out.
Jericho – Welcome Damien. Nice to see you man. Have you lost weight?
Sandow Cut Out – …..
Jericho – So tell me, what’s it like to work Wrestlemania in one of the most talked about matches of the year and then lose?
Sandow Cut Out – …..
Jericho – No answer huh? Well how about losing the ECW Title Scramble last week? How was that for you?
Sandow Cut Out – …..
Jericho – Just as I thought ladies and gentlemen. Damien Sandow is a 2 dimensional one note idiot! All he does is lose. He didn’t win the European Title, the Intercontinental Title and the ECW Title. He’s only a couple of belts away from the No Win Grand Slam!
Damien – Having fun out here?
Jericho – Wait… if you’re here, how can you be there?! TWO DAMIEN SANDOWS?! This is everyone’s worst nightmare! Now he’ll lose twice as fast!
Sandow gets into the ring and stares down Jericho for some serious jaw-jacking, before turning to leave. Then obviously he turns back to smack Y2J, but Jericho pulls the Sandow Cut Out in front of him and Sandow punches its cardboard head off.
Jericho – Oh My God! You killed him!
Sandow – Shut up!
It kicks off!. Sandow pulls Jericho’s legs from under him and starts beating him about the head and face. Jericho skirts under, then both get to their feet sharpish, and Jericho goes for the Codebreaker! But Sandow sees it coming, grabs Jericho’s legs and dumps him over the ropes. He pulls the cardboard Sandow in half and chucks the halves into the crowd.
Also backstage are mentor and mentee, World Heavyweight Champion John Cena and Bad News Barrett are having a serious chat.
Cena – Listen, since you lost the Intercontinental title you’re in danger of being drafted to Smackdown.
Bad News – You reckon?
Cena – Makes sense. Remove my last underling from the picture and leave me exposed. It’s not going to be a good move for you either. Maybe next year you could get drafted and make Smackdown your own, but you’re not ready yet man. I’ve taught you a fraction of what I know.
Paul Heyman wanders by at that moment, and John collars him.
Cena – Paul, look, I’m not going to ask if you’ve traded Barrett here to Smackdown. If you have it’s a mistake, but it’s done. Doesn’t mean I can’t carry on trying to teach him something. I want you to book us in a match tonight. Tag team, against whoever you like.
Paul looks at Barrett, then shrugs.
Paul – Fair enough. I’ll round some opponents up for you, you can meet the in the ring.
Cena smiles and claps Barrett on the back.
Cena – Let’s go kid!
Here comes the remains of the Cenation, World Heavyweight Champion John Cena and former Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett.
Joey – Cena has spent most of this year, apart from being champion and screwing over his friends, taking Barrett under his wing.
Regal – It’s a decent thing to do. Bring the guy up.
Joey – Well Cena got them both booked into a tag match here, seemingly without caring who its gonna be against.
Samson R Zaynsworth in the heezy! He’s had his battles with Bad News, most recently for the IC title at Wrestlemania.
Barrett looks annoyed with being put in this position, but Cena dismisses it. No big deal. They got this.
Cena loses his smile.
Joey – Oh my! Last week Shelton Benjamin scored a pinfall win over John Cena, clean!
In a decent match, Bad News Barrett & John Cena defeated Shelton Benjamin and Sami Zayn when Zayn hit Cena with a Helluva kick in the corner, Barrett tagged himself in on the sly and battered Sami with the Wasteland for the pinfall.
John raises Barrett’s hand in the middle of the ring…
Regal – What’s he doing here again? Does he know what day it is? Where did he get that podium from?
Shelton, Sami, Cena and Barrett look up the ramp to JR.
JR – Ladies and Gentlemen, a moment of your time. As Raw now comes to a close with that hellacious and awesome tag team match you just witnessed, I would like to prime the WWE Universe for more action and excitement tomorrow night on Smackdown. I have already made my first draft pick with NWA Champion Samoa Joe, but I’d like to announce my second pick right here tonight!
The crowd are into it, cheering for JR.
The men in the ring look at each other, not knowing who’s going where. Cena is talking to Barrett, giving him the same pep talk he did earlier.
JR – Smackdown’s second pick in the 2017 Draft is…
Joey – WHAT?!
John looks up at the graphic shocked and horrified. He cannot believe his fucking eyes. Sami and Shelton wave him a sarcastic goodbye and exit the ring.
Cena is on the ropes, bellowing up at JR.
Regal – How could Paul Heyman trade away John Cena?! What the bloody hell was he thinking?!
Joey – We just lost the World Heavyweight Title! Our top belt on Raw is going to Smackdown!
Cena is still screaming at JR, while Barrett is demanding answers from officials at ring side. The ref is shrugging and telling Bad News he doesn’t know what the deal he. There’s nothing he can do. News gets back in the ring to talk to his mentor, but then the ref he was talking to slides something under the ropes to him. 95
Joey – What’s that?
Joey – OH! MY!
Barrett turns Cena around and twats him so hard over the head with the briefcase that is bursts open and sends him down to the mat.
DING DING DING.
1… 2… 3
In a bout that had fantastic heat, Bad News Barrett cashed in his Money in the Bank Briefcase and defeated John Cena by pinfall. 94
Bad News Barrett wins the WWE World Heavyweight title.
Joey – Jesus Christ! I forgot he even had that case!
Regal – Barrett just made a huge mistake! He turned his back on his mentor!
Mick – What difference does that make? John was training him up to be champion one day, and he’s champion right now! Plus Cena is going to Smackdown!
Bad News Barrett poses with his World Heavyweight Title belt, properly pleased with himself.
Joey – Looks like things really have changed here on Monday Nights.
Regal – Wait wait, hang on. Hold your horses sunshine.That was a Smackdown draft pick. Aren’t we still owed one more?
HEY!
Joey – RANDY ORTON! I am literally going to explode!
In the ring, World Heavyweight Champion Bad News Barrett and Randy Orton have a heated confrontation, staring holes through one another as Raw goes off air.
Overall – 88
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